


let's fabricate (me and you living under a paper moon)

by onlythegay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A lot of them - Freeform, Abandonment Issues, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anger, Angst, Christmas, College, Cuddling, Enemies, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Harry Styles Has An Anxiety Disorder, Harry Styles Has PTSD, How Do I Tag, How I Met Your Mother References, Louis Tomlinson Has Trust Issues, Louis Tomlinson Smokes, M/M, Making Out, New Years party, Rebounds, Roommates, Slow Burn, Smut, Swearing, They really hate each other, WTF, a lot of that lol, and they were ROOMMATES, but he hides it well, every chapter has a song i’ll make a playlist chapter where i put every song, fuck head and yeti boy are my otp, harry insults louis a lot, harry is a psych major, harry is gay in my story, harry likes strawberry popsicles, harry works at a bakery, he gets cold easily ok, he likes calling him fuckhead, he's also kinda dumb when it comes to love but it's fine, like by ch6 they still haven't kissed, like very slow burn, louis calls harry yeti boy, louis ends up being bi but for most of this he's bicurious, louis has a sexual awakening, louis has cold feet, louis has depression, louis is a skater, louis is a theatre major, not a lot tbh, not louis thinking he's straight, omg they were roommates, poor louis lol, so ha, this takes place in november / december / january so yeah, those are their pet names, why did this end up being a christmas fic, yes the title is an all time low song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:48:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 71,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlythegay/pseuds/onlythegay
Summary: Fake dating your college roommate who also happens to be your mortal enemy is probably not the best idea. It's probably an even worse idea when your roommate is straight and you're not, and said roommate is also really hot.-Or, the one where Louis asks Harry to fake date him to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, despite being straight, and Harry catches feelings way too quickly and loves strawberry popsicles.-TRIGGERS:- ptsd- anxiety- depression- descriptions/flashbacks involving abuse- louis has depression- harry has bad ptsd and dissociation issues
Relationships: Eleanor Calder/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 135
Kudos: 252





	1. tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Eleanor left me.” was all Louis said before breaking down in another fit of sobs. Harry felt his jaw drop slightly as Louis brought his hands up to wipe his eyes. Harry didn’t say anything, just let him cry. He needed to, needed to feel upset and cry it out and vent. If he didn’t he would probably be really snippy and he would be more upset. As much as Harry hated him, he didn’t want him to be upset. He hated it when anybody was upset, he didn’t want anybody crying. It honestly hurt too much.
> 
> “She broke up with me because of some stupid ‘I need to work on me’ bullshit, saying she doesn’t know if she fucking loves me anymore,” Louis gripped onto the windowsill, and Harry felt his heart squeezing weirdly in his chest, a weird pain bubbling up. Harry understood the ‘I need to work on me bullshit’ as Louis called it, but the ‘she doesn’t know if she loves me’ bit threw Harry off. Eleanor looked like she loved Louis, she acted like it. It pained Harry a bit that Eleanor just broke up with him out of the blue. Nobody deserved that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! the song of this chapter is Do You Want Me (Dead?) by All Time Low
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> also no luke is not luke hemmings and michael is not michael clifford but yes luke is blonde
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)

Harry honestly couldn’t tell you why he actually went through with studying psychology. 

Well, of course, he had his reasons, but _fuck._ Who knew psychology would be so fucking stressful? A soft groan left his lips as he stretched his arms up, leaning back so the back of the chair was sort of digging into his spine in a way that gave him some kind of relief from the hunched over position he had been sitting in all night. He blinked his tired eyes, which were aching a bit under his eyelids, and glanced over to check the time, seeing that it was only 6:30. It was a Friday evening, so thankfully his dickhead of a roommate was out and he didn’t have anybody there to get on his nerves.

Sitting up straight, he grabbed his phone and scrolled through the notifications on the screen. He didn’t have classes on Fridays, so he’d been neglecting his phone all day long, and he was sure his best friend would have _some_ kind of first-world crisis that he needed input on. A small yawn itched at the back of his throat, which was interrupted by a laugh that pushed through in response to something stupid his best friend sent him. 

**_From Captain Niall:_ **

_no because it’s the way that i’d let him rail me_

**_To Captain Niall:_ **

_dude_

_for a straight dude, you talk an awful lot about fucking men_

**_From Captain Niall:_ **

_im just comfortable in my sexuality_

_and you do the same shit so shut the fuck up_

_d i e_

**_To Captain Niall:_ **

_jokes on u_

_im a psych major, so i do actually want to die_

_seriously_

_knock me the fuck out i haven’t slept in like two days help me_

**_From Captain Niall:_ **

_come over to my flat or something mate_

_we can eat some junk food and watch a movie and cuddle and you can nap or just relax or something_

_since im the best cuddler you know_

_and you probably don’t want to see that shit roommate of yours_

_lewis or whatever_

_i could drop u home later_

_or luke, whoever u prefer_

His teeth sunk into his bottom lip and his eyebrows knit together as he stared at his screen. He _could_ always just take a break, go see Niall and chill out for a while. It sucked because he’s barely seen the brunette lately, both of them were swamped with work. It was strange, they honestly went from seeing each other every single day to seeing each other once a week to only being able to FaceTime or have lunch together. College was no fucking joke, and Harry wished somebody told him that. 

But his stomach seemed to be taking a liking to the idea of eating a shit ton of food and watching a movie because loud rumbling noises filled his dorm room. Harry rolled his eyes, going to type back a response.

**_To Captain Niall:_ **

_uhh can i come in like an hour or so_

_i wanna finish this chapter at leasr_

_least**_

_and im just gonna shower at your place, i don’t feel like seeing louis’ friends_

Louis, or Lewis as he and Niall referred to him as, was Harry’s asshole roommate. Louis was short, but his temper was even shorter, and he fucking hated Harry from the moment Harry walked into the dorm. Louis was two years older and had a bit of a superiority complex (well, not a bit, it was a huge superiority complex, but Harry hated saying that because he felt rude). Harry came into college hoping that maybe he’d be close with his roommate, but _no_ , he had to be stuck with the dickhead who made fun of him for his lavender fingernails and yelled at him when he played guitar too loud.

If he had one wish, it would honestly be to switch roommates. He _really_ wanted a different roommate, he couldn’t handle Louis’ attitude or his taunts and teasing about Harry painting his nails. Whenever Louis entered the room, his anxiety was up in his throat, beating against his chest, choking him, making him feel closed in and suffocated. He always had to worry about another argument with Louis every time they were in the dorm together, and god knows how crazy Harry’s anxiety goes during arguments, especially when there’s yelling involved. Louis didn’t know how to control his voice.

Of course, Niall had offered for Harry to just come and move in with him and his roommate, Luke, but Harry declined for two reasons:

  1. He didn’t have the money. He worked at a small bakery, just making enough to buy his groceries and help his mum pay his tuition (because he didn’t want her to pay it all on her own, he’d feel _horrible_. Of course, she insisted on paying, and when he refused, she settled on paying 3/4 of it, allowing him to pay a quarter just so he wouldn’t feel guilty). The bakery was amazing, and he loved it, but he didn’t make nearly enough to help Niall with the rent.
  2. He didn’t want to intrude on Niall and his friend Luke. Niall and Luke were close friends - almost as close as Niall and Harry honestly - and even though Harry loved Luke, he wanted Niall to have his space to have other friends. He grew up with Niall, meaning that they had the same friends since they were 3 years old. He just felt that it was unfair for him to intrude on his friendships with others, he didn’t want him to feel smothered. 



As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t. But he just decided to put up with Louis’ bullshit, Louis only had 2 more years of his major anyways, he overheard him telling his girlfriend the other day (and nobody needed to know that he texted Niall in all caps celebrating that Louis would be gone before him). 

Niall replied with an ‘okay’ and Harry didn’t feel like it was important for him to say anything else, so he locked his phone and plugged it in, running his cold fingers through his messy curls. He hated how cold it was in his dorm, considering it was mid-November now and it was always fucking raining in London. He hated the rain, he hated it so much. Luckily though, it wasn’t raining that day, it was just freezing cold outside. He made a mental note to bring fuzzy socks to Niall’s later so he didn’t freeze to death. 

His teeth sunk into the inside of his cheek as he picked his pen back up, turning his head to look back down at the chapter in his psych textbook. His eyebrows knitted together in concentration as he traced the pen under every line, trying to pick out the more important parts of the reading so he could finish his work faster. He started humming a tune under his breath as he scanned the page, mumbling soft tunes that he and Niall wrote for no apparent reason, just because they were bored. He liked singing when Louis wasn’t home because he didn’t get yelled at for it. 

It was nice, being alone in the dorms. He felt calm, safe, _okay_ for once. He felt like he could actually get shit done without an argument, he could be himself without getting yelled at for _breathing_. He smiled to himself loving the silence in the room.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang, causing Harry to yelp, his heart falling into his ass as his head snapped towards the door where the noise came from. He was met with a very angry looking Louis, and an even angrier Eleanor, who was Louis’ girlfriend. Harry felt his stomach twisting, anxiety flooding through his body as Louis and Eleanor stomped into the dorm room, both of them screaming at each other.

Harry took in a deep breath, swallowing thickly at the sound of their yelling, his anxiety levels rising higher as Louis slammed the door shut and turned to his girlfriend.

“Eleanor,” Louis snapped. “It’s not that big of a deal, I was not flirting with her-“

“You were!”

“I was being fucking nice, dammit! Can I not be nice to people now?”

Harry clenched his eyes shut, his fingernails digging into his palms, leaving little crescent moon shapes. It went on, he kept trying to focus on his reading, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t focus with the anger in the room. He tried his best, wanted to drown the screaming out. Scared him, didn’t like it. Didn’t want to be there. His brain felt all fuzzy all of a sudden, and he picked his phone up to see if he could pull himself together enough to text or call Niall or Luke to pick him up because he honestly didn’t know if he could handle the yelling. With shaky hands, he pulled up Niall’s conversation, feeling his fingers going a bit numb as he typed out a quick _come get me please_ and sent it. Not even a second later, Niall read it and replied _omw._

He hated that he reacted like this every single time Louis and Eleanor came back to the dorm arguing, but he couldn’t control what his anxiety did to him. Especially when there was anger like that involved, he really couldn’t handle it. On shaky legs, Harry grabbed his phone and shut his textbook, getting up to go and grab his coat and shoes, not even wanting to stay in the room any longer than he already was. 

Harry didn’t even say anything to Louis or Eleanor, he didn’t even think he could talk properly. He reached for the door with a shaky hand, opening up the door and stepping out. His knees were wobbling from the anxiety, the screaming now muffled behind the closed dorm door. Harry dropped down onto one of his knees, slipping on his sneaker, then switched knees so he could slip the other one on. He didn’t even bother tying them, just tucked in the laces and stood up way too fast, causing stars and black dots to form in his vision. “Fucking iron deficiency,” Harry grumbled in irritation. He started to make his way down the hallway, pulling his coat on in the process because _fuck_ it was even cold in the fucking dorm hallway. 

He didn’t even want to wait for Niall to text him and say he’s outside, he just kept walking until he reached the elevator, and he clicked on the button so that he could go down to the lobby and meet Niall in the student parking lot. He was glad that Niall understood his annoyance and anxiety, he never asked any questions regarding Louis when Harry asked to be picked up. Harry left his car back at home in Manchester, he didn’t think he’d need it very much. But then Niall just fucking _had_ to move out at the start of the semester. Of course, Harry complained for weeks on end while helping Niall and Luke move in. He wasn’t actually angry, but he was upset he would have to either take the bus or uber to Niall’s place if he wanted to see him.

The cold November air hit Harry’s face, making his eyes water up slightly. His pink cheeks reddened at the cold, which was nipping at his nose now too. He was sure Niall would annoy him and call him Rudolph. He felt himself calming down a bit, though, the cold air bringing him clarity and a bit of relief because now all he could hear was the sound of the wind and not screaming. 

He was stood with his back against the brick wall for not even five minutes before headlights shined in his eyes, and he squinted a bit as he looked at the car. Noticing it was Niall’s, he quickly walked towards the vehicle, a chill going up his spine from the temperature difference between the car and the outdoors. A short breath of relief left his lips as he sat down in the car and shut the door. 

“What even happened-“

Harry didn’t even let him finish.

“I swear to fucking god, if Louis doesn’t start fighting with his girlfriend elsewhere, I will report his ass, I don’t give a fuck.” Harry spoke fast in his fervor, feeling irritated at the mere _thought_ of the situation. It wasn’t like Louis was unaware of Harry’s anxiety disorder, he’d seen him take his pills more than once because sometimes Harry left them out on the table instead of in his closet. “He’s just so fucking self-centered, christ, he doesn’t care about anybody but his fucking self.” Harry ranted, his cold hands coming up to rub his cheek and his eyes, trying to get himself to calm down.

Niall blinked, not even responding immediately as he drove off slowly, making his way down the road. His apartment was only 15 minutes away, which was good. “You really hate him, don’t ya? Honestly,” Niall chuckled, trying to be a bit lighthearted about it, but Harry just glared at him in response.

“I cannot stand him. I want to choke him-“

“Pretty kinky, if you ask me.” Niall joked, and Harry took in a sharp breath, squeezing the bridge of his nose and shutting his eyes.

A soft laugh left his lips, and he glanced over at Niall. “You’re absolutely insufferable.” Harry shook his head, then looked down at his lap, picking at his fingernails a little bit. “I’m just really sick of his shit. I don’t know if I can put up with two more years of this shit,” he admitted, resting his head back against the seat.

Niall coughed, resting one hand on the wheel and the other one on the gear shift. “The offer still stands, mate,” Niall stated with his eyes on the road. “Luke and I have an extra room, and you know he loves you-“

“Ni,” Harry interrupted with a sigh. He felt way too guilty and intrusive to do that, he simply did not want to. He knew it would be better, but he would feel guilty about intruding on their friendship for like, ever. “You know I’d love to, but I’m not making enough money right now,” he explained, just like he had a million and ten times to Niall. He always left out the part about feeling intrusive, though. He knew Niall would lecture him about how he isn’t a burden, he deserves to feel safe in his home, blah blah, therapist shit, because Niall was also a psychology major, but he was studying to be a therapist instead of going into social work like Harry was. 

He stared out of the window, watching the road ahead turn when Niall took a right, turning onto the block of his apartment building. “You know you could pitch in whatever you can, and-“

“Ni,” Harry interrupted again. “I love you, but I _can’t_ .” He said seriously, looking at Niall with a deadpan expression. He felt bad, of course, but he just _couldn’t_. 

Niall bit the inside of his cheek, taking in a deep breath through his nose. Harry held his breath, ready for Niall to start lecturing him like he was his father or something like he always did.

But it never came. Niall pulled into the parking lot of the building, parking in his usual spot before turning off the car and turning to Harry silently. Harry was already looking at him, an apologetic expression on his face. 

“Just know that we always have space for you.” Niall smiled gently at Harry, and his tone was even gentler than his smile. It made him feel okay, warm, safe, and most importantly _happy_. He knew he could always depend on Niall for that.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Harry only spent a few hours at Niall and Luke’s place. He wanted to get back to the dorms before 12 a.m., mainly because he wanted to squeeze in just _one more chapter_. Of course, he ignored Niall and Luke’s protests and ignored the way Luke grabbed onto his arm and pouted at him to stay. He loved Luke, of course, he wanted to spend time with him, but he just had so much fucking work to do. So, by 11:13 p.m., Harry was hugging a very sleepy and clingy Niall goodbye.

“Nialler.. please,” Harry chuckled, but his laugh was cut off by a yawn because of how late it was. His best friend had his arms wrapped tightly around Harry’s torso, his face pressed into Harry’s shoulder. He pushed gently at the koala like boy, just wanting him to get off so he could bury his head in his textbook again.

“But I love you.” 

“Niall-“

“Why can’t you stay?” He whined, and Harry looked over Niall’s shoulder to Luke. The blonde was standing there with his keys in hand, a smile on his face as he tried to bite back his laughter. Niall was like this every time Harry went home, he was upset that he couldn’t be with his best friend all the time because of his busy schedule. Harry thought it was adorable, and honestly, he felt the same way. If he could, he’d hang out with Niall forever. 

“Because,” Luke interrupted. “He has work to do, Ni, let go of Harry.” Luke laughed, placing his hands on Niall’s shoulders and pulling him back a little, the brunette detaching himself from Harry in response. 

Niall pouted at Harry. “Fine.” he sighed, waving at Harry, who couldn’t do anything but roll his eyes at how Niall got when he was tired. 

“Bye, Niall.” Harry grinned tiredly, fixing his coat on his shoulders before he followed Luke out of the door and into the hallway.

Luke laughed breathily as they made their way to the lobby, not having to take stairs or anything since they were on the first floor. “I honestly think he’s being like that because he’s worried about you.” Luke assumed, holding the door open for Harry, who mumbled a soft thank you with his eyebrows knit together in confusion.

Worried? Worried for what? Niall had no reason to be worrying about Harry. Harry was fine, maybe a bit sad, but he was fine for the most part. He hoped he didn’t do anything to stress him out. 

The pair made their way to Luke’s car, their hot breath creating clouds in the air. Luke seemed to catch onto Harry’s confusion as they got to the car, and he smiled softly. “He doesn’t like the way Louis acts towards you, and he thinks he’s ruining your mental health a lot more,” Luke explained, and Harry felt a weird pang in his chest. “And I agree. That Louis kid is so rude, I can’t stand the way he talks to you.” Luke continued as he and Harry got into the car. Harry didn’t reply, just chewed on his lip as he buckled himself up and watched Luke start the car. 

He hated that Luke and Niall were right about that, right about the fact that Louis was disrespectful, right about the fact that it wasn’t helping his anxiety. But he just, he had to deal with it. It was just two more years. He’d be fine. 

“Yeah,” Harry sighed in agreement as Luke pulled out of his parking spot. “He fucking sucks, but what can I do? I got stuck with him, now I have to deal with it.” he shrugged, watching Luke’s hands on the steering wheel.

“Well,” Luke sighed. “We’re always here. You can always crash at our place, you know, when Michael isn’t in the guest room-“

“Yeah, why isn’t he living with you guys yet? He practically lives with you guys, and aren’t you guys kind of serious? Why does he even sleep in the guest room-“

Luke groaned jokingly, a fond look on his face. Harry smiled at the way Luke’s face softened when he brought up Michael. It always made him feel warm and fuzzy to see the two of them together. 

“Michael and I aren’t even official-“

“You’ve sucked him off like fifteen times, and one of those times Niall and I were in the same room.” He reminded Luke with a raised eyebrow. 

Luke’s face flushed in embarrassment, causing Harry to burst into a fit of laughter, his eyes screwing shut. He enjoyed making fun of Luke, it brought him pure joy, honestly. 

“I hope you fall when you get out of my car,” Luke grumbled under his breath, pouting as he kept his eyes trained on the road ahead. “Mike and I aren’t official for personal reasons-“

“You should be because if you keep making out with him, you’re gonna get your heart broken.” Harry mumbled, raising an eyebrow at Luke, who just rolled his eyes. They had this conversation every time they were together. Harry just wanted to keep his friend from getting hurt, honestly. 

Luke shrugged. “I know,” he said softly, licking his bottom lip. “But pain’s a consequence of love, I guess. I love him, I do, but I feel like getting together officially will complicate things so much more. We just want to take it slow.”

Harry understood, but he still felt a bit of worry for Luke. Watching his friends get hurt was quite possibly the most painful thing to him, especially because they always made him happy. It really hurt him when he couldn’t make somebody happy. He just wanted everyone to feel okay and feel like they could breathe, he didn’t want anybody drowning in sadness.

The pair didn’t talk much for the rest of the car ride back to the dorm buildings, they honestly didn’t have much to say. It was really late, Luke was falling asleep, and honestly, Harry didn’t want to distract him from driving. Harry rested his head against the window, watching the trees as Luke drove down the road, and he took in a deep breath. He honestly felt like he had to mentally prepare himself to go back into the dorms, not knowing what to expect. He hoped to _god_ he didn’t walk in to a naked Louis and Eleanor, because god only knows how many times that fucking happened. They were honestly so fucking indecent and so god damn annoying. Harry usually didn’t wish for breakups, but god did he want them to fucking break up.

Luke pulled into the parking lot of the dorm buildings, a small sigh leaving his lips. Harry turned his head towards the blonde with a tired smile and a yawn. “Thanks, Lukey pookie.” Harry teased, causing Luke to reach over and smack him on the shoulder. A snort left Harry’s lips as he moved to open the door to the car.

“No problem, Hare bear,” Luke replied in a teasing tone, rolling his eyes to emphasize his annoyance. Harry just chuckled, his chest bubbling with fondness as he raised his left hand to flip Luke off as soon as he shut the car door. All Luke did was smile and shake his head, looking down before he raised his hand to wave Harry goodbye. An exhausted sigh left Harry’s lips, followed by a shiver up his spine from the cold night. Quickly, Harry rushed to the door and shuffled his way to the elevator, another yawn leaving his lips. “Fuck,” he mumbled to himself as he stepped inside. He thought to himself as he rode up to his floor, wondering if he would even be able to squeeze in another chapter of his reading before bed. He thought that it might be better for him, that way he wouldn’t have anything to do the next day, but the other part of him knew if he overworked himself he’d get sick. 

Ultimately, he decided he was just going to go straight to bed. He was already in comfy clothes - well, he was wearing Luke’s sweatshirt and sweatpants. Luke offered them to him after seeing that he was wearing jeans and an ugly t-shirt. Harry flipped him off for calling his shirt ugly, but he took the clothes from Luke anyways and put them on, so now he smelled and looked like Luke, but he was comfy so it didn’t matter. 

Harry finally made his way to their floor and he groaned as soon as he stepped out of the elevator, stretching his arms over his head and cracking his spine. A satisfied hum left his throat as he quietly tread down the hallway, pulling his dorm key out of his pocket. It was quiet, which surprised him a bit. He honestly expected more arguing or whispers from Eleanor, but there was just...

_Sniffles?_

Harry scrunched up his face, his lips pouting in confusion as he pushed open the door quietly, softly calling “Tomlinson?”

No, they were not on a first-name basis. They hated each other too fucking much for that.

The smell of cigarettes hit Harry’s face like a fucking freight train, and he grimaced and coughed when the smoke hit him. Quickly, he walked over to where Louis was sat at the window and took the cigarette out of his hand, ignoring his protests of “Styles, what the fuck” and “give it back, you tosser”. Harry felt irritated - no - he was angry now. Louis was aware of his asthma, he was made aware during the first week of living with Harry because Harry had a severe asthma attack. How fucking stupid of Louis, though. Smoking in the fucking dorm when one, they could get in serious trouble, and two, his roommate could die. 

“Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Harry snapped after he put the cigarette out on the windowsill and threw it out of the window. He felt his eyes watering with the need to cough again, feeling a little bit suffocated from the smoke. His jaw was clenched tightly, and his fist was balled up at his side. He stared at Louis, who was staring at the floor. There was silence between the two, just breathing and Louis’ sniffling.

Harry focused on Louis’ body for a second, noticing that his shoulders were slightly bouncing up and down, and Louis let out a cough. Despite his anger and hatred, Harry immediately felt himself soften and he dropped down to his knees to be level with Louis, who was sitting on a chair in front of the window.

“Look,” Harry breathed out, suddenly feeling guilty for snapping at Louis like that because now he realized that he was _fucking crying_. Harry didn’t even know that Louis could feel emotions, let alone sad ones. “Tomlinson, why are you upset? C’mon.” Harry spoke gently, trying to coax the crying man into talking. Louis didn’t say anything, just turned his body away from Harry. Harry pursed his lips, then traced the inside of his cheek with his tongue. 

“Why the fuck do you even care?” Louis said through sniffles. “Just fuck off-”

“You’re sad-”

“Great, you have eyes, now fuck off,” Louis replied with snark dripping in his tone, and Harry couldn’t help but dig his fingernails into his palms to prevent himself from yelling at Louis for being an uncooperative asshole. He had to remind himself that Louis was upset.

So he took a deep breath and shut his eyes, trying to find the words to say to Louis.

“You’re upset, I’m a psych major and I understand feelings. Tell me what’s wrong. We don’t have to hug or anything like that,” he shuddered in disgust at the thought of hugging Louis. Gross. “Just,” he sighed. “Just tell me what’s bothering you. I’d rather not hear you sniffling all night, I kind of need my rest.” He muttered, which seemed to coax Louis into turning his body back towards Harry. 

He watched Louis pull his hands away from his face to reveal his puffy, tear-stained cheeks, and red eyes. He felt a tinge of worry as Louis’ eyes watered more, the tears spilling out slowly, his body jerking a bit, which Harry assumed was from the crying. Louis wanted to talk, he needed to talk, and Harry could see it in his body language. 

Louis ran a hand through his already scruffy and messy hair before breathing out a few times, trying to calm himself down a bit. Harry settled himself cross-legged on the floor, staring up at Louis with a gentle face, an expression telling him ‘it’s okay’. Louis looked down at him, the tears welling up again.

“Eleanor left me.” was all Louis said before breaking down in another fit of sobs. Harry felt his jaw drop slightly as Louis brought his hands up to wipe his eyes. Harry didn’t say anything, just let him cry. He needed to, needed to feel upset and cry it out and vent. If he didn’t he would probably be really snippy and he would be more upset. As much as Harry hated him, he didn’t want him to be upset. He hated it when anybody was upset, he didn’t want anybody crying. It honestly hurt too much.

“She broke up with me because of some stupid ‘I need to work on me’ bullshit, saying she doesn’t know if she fucking loves me anymore,” Louis gripped onto the windowsill, and Harry felt his heart squeezing weirdly in his chest, a weird pain bubbling up. Harry understood the ‘I need to work on me bullshit’ as Louis called it, but the ‘she doesn’t know if she loves me’ bit threw Harry off. Eleanor looked like she loved Louis, she acted like it. It pained Harry a bit that Eleanor just broke up with him out of the blue. Nobody deserved that.

“She told me she loved me literally fucking yesterday, told me I’m her everything and her world and she’ll never leave.” Louis got out through his gritted teeth, trying his best to hold back the sobs.

“You’re allowed to cry, mate, let it out.” Harry coaxed, and Louis looked down at him with irritation before standing up. Harry stood up at the same time, looking down at the smaller man, who was trying his best to keep everything in.

“Why the fuck do you care?” Louis spit. “You want to see me cry? See me being weak so you can hold it against me? Huh? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck Eleanor and her stupid _fucking_ lies and stupid _fucking_ smile, _fuck_.” Louis let out a loud sob, falling back down onto the chair, his hands covering his eyes as sobs raked his entire body. Harry felt relief rush through his body as Louis let out the tears, knowing that holding it in hurts more than anything.

And so he let him cry. He didn’t say anything, just _sobbed_. Harry sat back down next to the chair, placing his hand on Louis’ forearm for comfort. Louis’ skin was warm, which also shocked Harry. Harry was surprised that Louis wasn’t some cold-blooded alligator or something of the sorts. 

Harry couldn’t even tell you how long they were sitting like that; Louis on the chair sobbing and Harry on the floor rubbing his arm to calm him down. It was weird, extremely weird. But Harry was glad he could help in some way. 

But Louis didn’t say much, honestly. Harry figured it was because Louis hated him or didn’t trust him or whatever, but he didn't want to bring that up. Harry’s back was beginning to ache from the position he was in, but luckily at that point Louis had finished crying and just resolved to small coughs and hiccups. Harry pulled himself up off of the ground, Louis’ eyes following.

“Where y’goin?” Louis sluggishly questioned, another hiccup cutting off his sentence.

“Gonna get you some water and some painkillers because I know for a fact you have a headache,” Harry muttered in response, making his way to where their mini fridge was in the corner. He opened it, pulling out a bottle of water, and then grabbed his bottle of painkillers off of the table before walking back over to Louis and handing him both.

Louis took them, and Harry just watched him swallow the water before Louis looked back up at him in confusion. “Why are you being nice to me?” Louis questioned genuinely, making Harry chuckle softly.

“You’re sad,” he admitted with a shrug, and Louis scoffed, a smile breaking through. “Wow,” Harry laughed in surprise. “Didn’t know you were capable of smiling at me. What a nice surprise.” he said sarcastically, and Louis just rolled his eyes.

“Fuck you, Styles,” Louis said softly, drinking a bit more of his water before placing it down. Harry’s back was against the wall, arms crossed over his chest as he looked at Louis with a raised eyebrow. 

After a few short minutes of them blinking at each other like literal cats, Harry pushed himself off of the wall and yawned softly, He reached into his pocket to check the time, seeing that it was now almost 12:35 a.m., and he scrunched up his nose.

“You should go to bed.” Louis cleared his throat, and Harry’s head snapped up to meet Louis’ face, and he went to speak, but Louis put his hand up. “I know you’re tired. I can handle myself, promise.” Louis added, and Harry pondered on that for a second before nodding.

“Go shower or something. It’ll make you feel better.” Harry yawned, walking over to his side of the dorm room and flopping down on the bed. “And you can wake me up if you need to talk, I guess,” he said slowly, almost like he didn’t believe what he was saying. 

Louis just nodded as Harry pulled his blankets over himself and put his phone next to his head. Harry didn’t bother waiting for Louis to respond before he shut his eyes to go to bed, feeling far too exhausted to even wait. But it was weird, and he felt a weird kind of worry in his stomach as he heard the door open when Louis left the dorm room. 

Never in his life did he think he’d be comforting his mortal enemy over his girlfriend leaving him, but here he was, lying in bed, hoping that Louis was feeling alright. He fucking hated that so much, he hated being so caring that he cared for people who treated him like shit, but whatever.

He couldn’t be bothered to think about that.

He just wanted to sleep, sleep, _sleep_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> word count: 5779
> 
> -
> 
> hiii! i hope you all enjoyed the first chapter of the story! I'm very excited for this one and I cant wait to see where it takes me. leave feedback, i'd love to know what you guys think. 
> 
> all the love!
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	2. can we pretend that we're in love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I need you to date me,” Louis said quickly, almost so fast that Harry didn’t catch it, but he did and his jaw dropped, the air being knocked out of his lungs all at once, causing himself to cough so hard he was doubled over because he choked on his own saliva.
> 
> “You need me to what ?!” Harry questioned, his voice getting higher with the pure shock he was feeling. His face started turning bright red, his eyes widening. Date him ? Harry didn’t even want to breathe next to him, let alone kiss him, what the fuck? And he just - “Aren’t you straight-“
> 
> “Yes , but that’s not the point-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! sorry this took awhile, i've been so mentally drained with school and just my own sadness. how are you all? tell me in the comments!
> 
> feedback is appreciated!!!
> 
> song of the chapter: Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't) by All Time Low
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)

Growing up, Harry's mother always told him that if people were mean, it was because their heart was sad. When somebody’s heart is sad, they want to make other people feel their pain. As a result of going by that his whole life, Harry helped people even if they never helped him; even if they treated him horribly. He remembered that when he was a little kid and people were mean to him, picking on him for small things, he would always give them whatever they wanted. When his father would scream at him, he would bite his tongue. If somebody was unhappy with him, he’d say sorry even if it wasn't his fault. Harry was a people pleaser. He always had been because he figured that if people were unhappy with him, they were unhappy with themselves, and that made him feel sad too. But despite all of that, he always wished that he knew how to properly stick up for himself. He honestly wished that people would stop stepping all over him like a fucking doormat because he was way too nice. 

Even when it came to Louis, Harry struggled to stick up for himself. The thought of somebody being angry with him made a pit grow in his stomach and the dark feeling would creep up his body and stay there all day. Louis treated him like shit, there was no doubt. But Harry was nice to him more than half of the time. Louis was a dick, but Harry assumed that he had an emotional wall up because of something that happened to him.

So, that’s why Harry actually decided to help Louis out. That’s why Harry didn’t just let him cry on his own, he comforted him and made sure he cried out the pain. He _wanted_ to help. He _wanted_ Louis to be happy for some reason. Because maybe if Louis was actually happy, they didn’t have to fight. They didn’t have to like each other, didn’t have to be friends, they could dislike each other, but Harry just wanted to be fucking _civil_.

On Saturday morning, Harry woke up with one leg off of the bed and his arm tucked under his head, drool trailing into a pool on top of his arm. He cracked one eye open, grimacing at the wet and slimy feeling of his drool on his arm. “Gross,” he rasped, his voice thick from sleep. Harry blinked hard, trying to get his bleary eyes to focus as he sat up in his bed, wiping the drool off of his arm with his comforter. Soft snores came from the other side of the room, and Harry looked over to see Louis laying on his back under his blanket, his head to the side. He sighed to himself, feeling a bit proud that Louis was actually able to sleep that night, considering Harry could never sleep the night of a breakup. 

Harry pushed himself out of his bed, shivering as the cold air in the room hit his arms. He looked down on the ground, seeing Luke’s hoodie. He assumed he took it off during the night, or something. He reached down, grabbing the hoodie, and pulling it over his t-shirt clad body before putting on his slippers and grabbing his phone, going to head to the bathroom that they shared with Louis’ friends. He shut the door to the bathroom, a yawn escaping his lips as he reached for his toothbrush. He decided he’d just take a shower later on that day, not really wanting to (also because he forgot his towel in the dorm). 

He turned the tap on to wet his brush and then put on some toothpaste, brushing his teeth quickly before rinsing his mouth with some water and some mouthwash. He reached for his face wash, washing his face before drying it off with the hand towel in the bathroom and putting on some moisturizer. 

He felt good for the first time in a few days, having properly slept and eaten (because Niall forced him to). It felt good to be feeling healthy. He even looked the part, which was pretty nice. Harry left the bathroom and made his way back to the dorm, wanting to just go lay down and watch something on his laptop. He seriously needed a break from his work, his brain was just exhausted. He had to go to work around 3 anyways, so he figured he’d just chill out this morning. 

Harry quietly opened the dorm door open, trying his hardest to not wake Louis up, but when he peeked inside, he saw the man sitting on his bed with his legs on the ground, his head resting in his hands. Harry took a deep breath, tippy-toeing into the room because he didn’t want to get yelled at. 

Talking to Louis was always like walking on eggshells, honestly, and if he was in a bad mood Harry didn’t want to agitate him further.

“Tomlinson,” Harry cleared his throat a bit, testing the waters with him as he walked a bit closer to sit on his bed, which was right across from Louis’. He bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for the messy-haired brunette to lift his head.

There was a cough from his throat before he looked up, his eyes ringed red with tears. Harry felt his heart wrench a bit, hating the sight of a sad person. If anything, he would rather be the one crying. He was too empathetic at times, and he hated it. 

“Styles,” Louis croaked out, sniffling slightly. His sleeves were pulled over his hands, and he brought one of his sleeves up to wipe at his nose. Harry grimaced. _Gross,_ he thought, before mentally slapping himself because he honestly does the same gross shit. “‘wha’dya want?” Louis slurred through his stuffy and choked up voice, and Harry bit the inside of his cheek.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” he paused for a second, choosing his words carefully. “If that’s alright,” he spoke awkwardly. You could honestly cut the tension in the room with a knife, it made Harry nauseous. 

Louis shrugged in response, which was a lot more than Harry was expecting. He was honestly just expecting a middle finger and a ‘fuck off’, so a shrug was _great._

But then Louis spoke up again, which honestly shocked Harry even _further._ “Hurts a bit, to be honest.” Louis’ voice wasn’t any higher than a whisper, and Harry noticed that he’d never seen the man so damn _vulnerable_ before. He stared at Louis, his eyes filled with a bit of worry, the room falling so silent that you could hear a pin drop. 

And what was even stranger to Harry was that Louis had never bothered to actually speak to him. He and Louis always bumped heads, their default form of communication was arguing no matter what the topic was. He felt a bit used, to be honest. He’d always been the therapist friend, though. Always listened, never chimed in with unsolicited advice. 

“‘s what happens when you go through a breakup, mate.” Harry sighed, flopping back against his bed and staring up at the ceiling, watching the way the butterflies he hung up swung around from the wind coming from the window. 

A groan came from the other side of the room, and Harry just took a deep breath, preparing for Louis to either yell or punch the wall, or some shit. 

“I just want to like - I don’t know - make her feel the pain-“

“s a horrible idea, Tomlinson,” Harry cut him off. Guess he did chime in with unsolicited advice sometimes. “That’s a shit idea, horrible. She might have treated you badly, but when people treat you like shit, it means they’re sad inside. I’m not justifying her treating you bad, but making her feel your pain is just going to make you hurt worse. If you truly love her, you’ll let her go. If you truly love her, you’d let her do this to fix herself so you guys can be together.” 

There was a grunt, and he heard the squeak of a mattress. Harry pushed himself up on his elbows, cocking an eyebrow at Louis when he saw him pacing back and forth. 

“I honestly don’t know if she wants to be together anymore, Styles,” Louis sighed. “The way she was screaming. She just, she - “ Louis cut himself off with a groan, throwing his head back, and Harry just let his eyes follow him. 

“Use your words,” he encouraged sarcastically like he was talking to a child and Louis whipped his head around, shooting Harry a glare that would've probably murdered him if looks could kill. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Louis snapped, and Harry put his hands up in defense. _Snippy, gosh,_ Harry thought to himself.

“I’m just being encouraging-“

“You’re talking to me like I’m five.” Louis scoffed, his arms crossed over his chest. He cocked out a hip sassily, looking at Harry with narrow eyes. 

Harry could feel the daggers hitting him in the chest.

An exasperated and exaggerated sigh left Harry’s lips as he properly sat up on the bed, giving Louis a knowing look. “If I don’t talk to you like that, you’re not going to talk,” he explained as calmly as possible. “You’re childish and your temper is shorter than you are-“

“Styles, shut your mouth before I-“

“Before you _what,_ Tomlinson?” Harry scoffed. “Before you what? I could’ve left you there to cry last night, I really could’ve because I don’t exactly like you-“

A bitter laugh cut Harry off. “Nice observation, Sherlock Holmes.”

Harry took a deep breath, trying his best to calm himself down. He had to remind himself that fighting with Louis wasn’t worth it at all. He wasn’t worth his tears and he _definitely_ wasn’t worth his anger. Harry ran his hand through his curls, the tangled mess falling over his face a bit. 

“I could have left you to cry last night,” he articulated slowly. “I could have, I really could have. But you’re lucky that I’m fucking empathetic, which is a trait you don’t seem to have,” Harry nearly growled, feeling irritation bubbling up in his chest. Louis just made him so god damn angry. Harry wasn’t even an angry person, but Louis honestly brought out this animal in Harry. He swallowed thickly before he continued his little rant. 

“So either you talk and use your _fucking_ words, or you shut the fuck up and get yourself into a situation that you can’t reverse.” 

Harry fell silent, his chest heaving from anger as Louis stared at him, his jaw clenched and eyes watering. He couldn’t even find it in himself to feel guilty for snapping, he was just so _tired_ of him that morning. He felt sort of taken advantage of, and it made him angry. He didn’t even know he could feel angry because he was helping someone.

There were no words between the two, and Harry stared at the floor to avoid eye contact with him. He still had anger coursing through him, his chest rising and falling with every harsh breath that left his nose. He didn’t look up until he heard the door shutting quietly, and he finally lifted his head, biting the inside of his cheek.

Louis’ temper was really something, and it honestly made Harry want to punch him in the face, but he had to remind himself to be nice and not violently attack him. He wished that Louis would just learn to control himself and control his stupid mouth, because that always got him in trouble. 

Harry decided, though, that he didn’t care too much. Louis wasn’t even his friend, so his anger shouldn’t even matter to him. So, he flopped back down on his bed and pulled his laptop off the bedside table, opening it and logging in before clicking on his Hulu tab, clicking play on an episode of How I Met Your Mother, his favorite show. 

He was rewatching it again, as he did when he was really sad or really stressed. It helped him. It was honestly like free therapy, as if he couldn’t be his own therapist. He was a psych major for christ’s sake. Harry hummed, pulling his comforter over himself and pulling his stuffed multicolored bear closer to him. He pushed his face closer to his pillow, trying to get as comfortable as humanly possible.

He was on season 5, episode 10. He left off there the night before because he forced Niall and Luke to watch episodes with him the night before, and they honestly agreed because they were _way_ too soft for Harry and they couldn’t say no to him, which Harry found cute. 

Harry giggled to himself, Barney’s horrible comedy filling his ears as his eyes flicked back and forth across the screen. He honestly was so immersed that he didn’t notice the door opening and shutting a few minutes later, Louis slipping inside.

He didn’t notice because he was way too wrapped up in the episode, soft laughs leaving his lips as he cuddled with his blanket and the bear Niall got him for his birthday. And he didn’t notice until his laptop was slammed shut, sad blue eyes meeting green as soon as the laptop lid was shut. 

“What the fuck was that for?” Harry snapped, sitting up in his bed, the comforter falling off of his body as his eyebrows scrunched together, his nostrils flaring angrily. Why did Louis always feel the need to disturb his peace?

Louis put his hands in front of his face, rubbing over it harshly. “I- um,” he stuttered, coughing a bit before running his hands through his hair. Harry stared at him carefully, watching Louis’ nervous body language and feeling himself grow more and more confused as the seconds passed. 

“Spit it out,” Harry urged, and Louis gave him a look, making Harry snap his mouth shut. _Snippy,_ he thought for the second time that morning. Louis was always snippy.

Louis took a deep breath, looking around the room to avoid eye contact with Harry, which made Harry a bit more nervous. Louis had never been afraid to speak his mind to Harry, granted “speaking his mind” meant screaming at him, but that didn’t matter. Louis had never once hesitated to speak to Harry. It made Harry think, wonder what the _hell_ he could possibly be holding in. 

“I- can I sit here?” Louis motioned to the bed, and Harry gave him a strange look.

“Okay..” Harry hesitantly spoke, swallowing thickly as the smaller man crawled onto the bed, sitting there with his legs crisscrossed. 

Breathing. Just breathing. That was the only sound in the room. Harry stared at Louis, Louis stared down at his fingernails, picking at them. Harry wondered if Louis was ever going to actually say what he needed to say.

“Well?” Harry pushed, and Louis lifted his head up and Harry could see a little hint of anxiety in his eyes.

“You aren’t going to like this idea,” Louis said slowly, using his hands to emphasize his words. “But I need you to hear me out before you tell me no and punch me in the ribs.”

Harry looked at him, his head tilting sideways. “Tomlinson,” he started. “I can’t even kill an ant without feeling guilty. But continue, I guess.” 

A small laugh fell from Louis’ mouth, and _wow_ , Harry was shocked. He didn’t even think Louis could laugh at something he said. Shocking.

Louis squeezed his eyes shut, and Harry pulled his bear into his lap, picking at the fur of it and watching Louis with a raised eyebrow. 

_Louis is weird_ , Harry thought. 

“I need you to date me,” Louis said quickly, almost so fast that Harry didn’t catch it, but he _did_ and his jaw dropped, the air being knocked out of his lungs all at once, causing himself to cough so hard he was doubled over because he choked on his own saliva.

“You need me to _what_ ?!” Harry questioned, his voice getting higher with the pure shock he was feeling. His face started turning bright red, his eyes widening. _Date him_ ? Harry didn’t even want to _breathe_ next to him, let alone kiss him, what the fuck? And he just - “Aren’t you straight-“

“ _Yes_ , but that’s not the point-“

“No!” Harry cut him off. “I’m not letting some straight boy use me to experiment just because his stupid girlfriend decided to leave him because he’s stupid,” Harry rambled. “Fuck you, no. Not in a million years,”

An exasperated groan came from Louis, who was getting off of the dorm bed to stand up and Harry. Harry was _furious._ He’d been used by straight boys _so many times_ and he didn’t want _another one_ fucking around with him because he was fucking _bored_.

“Jesus, Styles, no!” Louis groaned, his voice getting louder and higher as he tried to explain himself. “I didn’t mean it like that-“

“What?!” Harry squeaked, his face flushing an even deeper cover with the annoyance. “How else do you mean it when you say you need somebody to date them, what the fuck?!” Harry’s words were rushed, crashing together angrily. He was speaking so fast he almost bit off a piece of his tongue.

“I _mean_ pretend to date me, you tit!” 

“What?” 

Louis sighed. “You know, pretending? Acting? Trying to be something you’re not-“

“I heard what you said, Tomlinson, but what the _fuck_ do you mean _pretend_?” Harry questioned, multiple questions rushing through his head. “Pretend? Pretend date? That is so fucking stupid.”

“No- listen,” Louis breathed out.

Harry put his chin in his palm and mockingly laughed. “Enlighten me.”

“I want you,” he swallowed. Harry blinked slowly. “To pretend to date me, but just in public!” He added, seeing as Harry was going to cut him off again. “Just in public, we can lay some rules out, we can talk about boundaries, we can go back to hating each other when we’re here, but I want to make Eleanor jealous,” he explained, and Harry felt a laugh bubbling in his throat. 

“Make her jealous?” Harry giggled a little bit, and Louis looked at him with a deadpan expression. “What are you? 14? We’re making our exes jealous now? You’re-“

“Harry Styles, shut the ever-loving fuck up and _listen_ .” Louis snapped, and Harry felt his jaw snap so quickly at the sound of his first and last name that he almost bit his tongue again. “I just want her to see I’m happy with someone else,” he explained slowly. “Just for now, just for like, a month or some shit. A month, that’s it. I just want her to think I don’t need her since she said and I quote _you’ll never find someone like me_ , and even though I don’t like you, I know you’re a good person, so _please_.” Louis begged his hands clasped together, a pleading look in his eyes. 

Harry took a deep breath, letting the words sink into his brain as he tried his best to comprehend them. He’d never done anything like this, never wanted to or had to. He had a few exes, they all ended things with him horribly, but he never felt the need to make them feel like shit or make them feel jealous. So he honestly couldn’t see where Louis was coming from, he really didn’t. 

But then there was another thing. This meant that he had to kiss Louis, hold hands with him, go on fake “dates” with him, etcetera. He had to _interact_ with him. That disgusted Harry more than anything.

“What am I getting out of this?” Harry questioned, cocking an eyebrow a bit at Louis. “I hate you, like a lot, so what do I get in return?” he crossed his arms, pushing his comforter off of himself and standing up to look at Louis. 

“Uh,” Louis pondered for a second, his eyes flicking all across the floor, his foot grazing the carpet a bit. “You hate maths, right?” he questioned, and Harry nodded a bit, remembering the nights where Louis heard him venting to Niall about how hard calculus was.

“I’m really good at it,” Louis explained further. “I’ll do your maths assignments for the rest of the semester,” he suggested, and Harry puckered his lips in deep thought. He really did hate maths, honestly. Niall had tutored him so much growing up, but he still never understood how to divide polynomials or solve for x - why did they even have to bring the alphabet into it?

Harry shrugged. “I suppose that’s good enough. But you have to start now, then, if I agree to this-“

“If?!” Louis exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “Why can’t you just agree? It’s fake, not real, pretend, it’s not a big deal!”

Harry took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “There are so many things we have to take into consideration!” 

Louis let out an exasperated groan, and Harry couldn’t help but let his jaw drop at the boy. “Tomlinson, you did not just groan at me,” he glared. “Listen to me, there are a lot of things we have to discuss. You don’t know my triggers or what makes me uncomfy, I don’t know that about you either, we need to set boundaries so we don’t set each other off.” Harry explained, his face still set in a hard glare.

Louis made his blood pressure rise to levels he didn’t even know were possible. He didn’t think it was possible for one human being to tick him off _so much_ that his body felt hot, but hey, Louis proved him wrong. 

But Louis just nodded, unclenching his jaw and waving his hand as an “okay, you’re right” to Harry, which Harry smiled at. He liked that he finally made Louis agree to something. 

“So then what? What should we do, what do we need to talk about?” Louis questioned, and Harry sighed, getting up off of the bed and going to his desk. Louis watched him, and he could feel Louis’ eyes burning holes in his body as he pulled open the drawer and tugged out his journal and flipped to an empty page - which was close to the end of the book. He made a mental note to buy a new journal sometime soon. 

“C’mere,” Harry beckoned him over with his left hand, his right one holding a sparkly blue pen.

Louis chuckled in amusement. “Sparkly blue pen? Really, Styles? I pegged you as a ballpoint pen kind of guy.” he joked, and Harry couldn’t help but let a small smile crack through his lips. 

Harry just breathed out a laugh, taking the cap off of the pen. “I use sparkly gel pens and black gel pens. They write more smoothly,” he explained, his hand making a small wave to explain the smooth movement.

Louis scrunched his face up. “You mean they write smoothly compared to other pens,” he corrected, and Harry whipped his head around to look at Louis with a death stare. “What?” Louis laughed, his eyes widening and shoulder shrugging. “Your grammar was shit on that sentence, Styles,” he rolled his eyes, walking to the other side of the room and grabbing his spinny chair, sliding it up next to Harry and sitting backward on it, his legs around the back part so that he could rest his chin on it.

“If you’re going to trash me for my grammar, I won’t fake date you, and you can just suffer and get El back by yourself,” Harry muttered under his breath, causing Louis to sigh as an apology. He wasn’t _actually_ annoyed, just wanted to pull at Louis’ leg a bit.

“Right then,” Louis coughed, and Harry bit his lip awkwardly because of how close Louis was to him. He was leaning over, looking at Harry’s journal with him. Harry could smell the faint scent of vanilla and also a bit of cologne. The cologne wasn’t too strong, but it did smell quite good. He’d never liked cigarettes, always hated the smell due to his asthma, but somehow the cigarettes smelled good on Louis. 

Harry’s face was flushed a bit, and he couldn’t tell if it was from annoyance, embarrassment, or from being so close to Louis, but he hated it. “Um,” Harry cleared his throat to try and fill the awkward space. “Rule one, I guess?”

“We’re making a rule list?” Louis teased, and Harry flipped his middle finger right in front of Louis’ face. 

“Yes, yes we are,” he muttered. “And I’m making you a copy as well. I just want it in writing so neither of us forget or fuck up. It’s important-“

“You read too many romance novels.” Louis snorted, and Harry shrugged.

“I’m a hopeless romantic who lives vicariously through fictional characters because I don’t want to fall in love. What can I say,” Harry laughed, trying to play his words off as a joke, but really they weren’t. 

He was so in love with love. Love was beautiful, love was sweet. Love was bone-crushing hugs and laughing until your water came out of your nose. Love was seeing something and sending it to the person and saying _this made me think of you_. Love was your whole heart thumping in your throat when you saw them, love was their laughter filling your lungs with air but also knocking all of the wind out of you. Love was amazing. Love was _so_ wonderful. But love was also so unkind. Love could be disrespectful, love could break you, love could _ruin_ you. And what do you know; love ruined Harry. 

So yeah, he did read too many romance novels. He wanted to feel what true love felt like, but he honestly didn’t think he ever would. 

“Dork,” Louis scoffed, and Harry just laughed along with him. 

He was honestly shocked they were getting along for once. 

“So I think the first rule should be that this only lasts _one month_ and nothing more,” Harry stated, looking at Louis with a raised eyebrow. 

Louis nodded in agreement, his thin lips pursing together into a smile. “Sounds okay,” he mumbled softly. “What about PDA stuff? You good with that?”

Harry snorted. “Well,” he started, scribbling little circles into his paper with his sparkly blue pen. “We have to make it seem like we’re together, so I guess we kind of have to hold hands and kiss and hug -“

“ _Kiss_ ?!” Louis gasped. “I have to _kiss_ you? Mate, I’m not gay-“

“You’re asking me to pretend to date you!” Harry groaned. “Couples kiss, it’s not a big fucking deal. Pretend I’m a girl or something,” he huffed out in frustration. “Why would you even ask me to do this if you were _so_ bothered by kissing a man? You _baffle_ me,” Harry scoffed in annoyance. He had so many straight guy friends, of course. Luke, Niall, Michael, his friend James, etcetera. They’ve all kissed him at a point as a joke, kissed him as a dare, and nobody ever had a problem with it. He didn’t understand why Louis was so uncomfortable with it if he was as secure as he claimed he was. 

“It’s not - I - it’s not toxic masculinity, or whatever,” Louis scoffed. “I just don’t want to kiss you, because, like, _I’m not gay_ -“

“Dating involves kissing.”

“I’m aware.”

“And you know I hate you.”

“I’m aware of that too,” Louis rolled his eyes. 

“I’m not kissing you with any type of attraction or feeling, I’m kissing you because you’re doing my math homework,” Harry explained, and Louis sucked in his cheeks, looking down at the floor. 

“But-“

“Dating involves kissing.”

Harry reached into his pocket, fishing his phone out and unlocking it quickly before going through his camera roll, trying to find a video from a few months ago. 

“What’ya doin?” Louis questioned, furrowing his eyebrows and looking over Harry’s shoulder in curiosity. Harry’s face scrunched up at the invasion of privacy, pulling his phone away (mostly because he wasn’t sure if he had his nudes saved. Louis seeing his nudes would be extremely awkward). 

“Looking for a video of me snogging Niall for a dare,” he explained, clicking on the video and sliding the phone over to Louis with a straight face. “He’s my childhood best friend and he’s completely 100% straight, only likes women. But he understands that kissing isn’t that big of a deal,” he said, shade and sass dripping from his words.

Louis watched the video, with no clear emotion on his face. He just blinked a few times before sliding the phone back over to Harry, gulping slightly. His face was a bit pinker than before, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Harry tried his hardest to not smirk, seeing that Louis had grown a bit flustered from the video. 

“Still not convinced?” Harry questioned an eyebrow raised as he spun his chair around to face Louis. He brought his hand up to run his fingers through his tangled curls, tugging a little bit to separate the knots. “How about this,” he cleared his throat, sitting up straight as he put down his sparkly blue pen. Louis sat up straighter, suddenly growing intrigued.

“Hm?”

Harry cleared his throat, knowing he was about to say something completely stupid and something that would probably get him punched, and he didn’t know why he was about to say it but he just -

“Let me kiss you.”

There was complete silence between them for a split second, and Harry felt so choked up in that second. He held his breath, his anxiety snapping at his ankle like a crocodile. He could feel himself getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen, but he just _didn’t want to breathe._

And Louis just - he just - he stared. He just stared at him, his bright blue eyes wide with wonder and confusion, but no indication of discomfort or anger. Nothing. And Harry could tell.

“Okay,” Louis breathed out, and Harry breathed out right after him, his eyes widening with shock that Louis - straight as hell - Tomlinson, said _yes_ to kissing _him_ , his very much not straight roommate. “Okay, you can kiss me, but this is only for,” he paused for a second, swallowing as he tried to find the words to say. “Only for practice for the next month,” he finally said after 10 seconds.

Harry bit the inside of his cheek. “A-are you sure? You don’t wanna like, kiss me later or something? Are you comfortable with this? I know you’re straight, and-“

“Styles,” Louis breathed out, shutting his eyes, causing Harry to snap his jaw shut. “If you don’t kiss me right now,” he said, breathing again. “I will change my mind. So do it before I change my mind.” 

Harry just gulped, watching Louis trace his tongue over his bottom lip. His nerves were on edge, the anxiety growing even more in his stomach. The back of his neck was burning as he turned his chair completely to face Louis, and he scooted a bit closer to him, grabbing Louis’ chair and pulling it closer as well. He felt his usually warm hands growing cold and sweaty, which was gross. Cold and sweaty was not a nice combination. Harry took a deep breath, his green eyes flickering up to meet Louis’ own as he leaned closer to him, Louis scent filling his nose. 

His eyes flickered down, looking at his thin lips that were slightly parted, his breath hitting Harry’s mouth. For once, he didn’t smell like cigarettes. He just smelled like cologne and vanilla and it was just _nice_. If he didn’t hate Louis so much, he’d tell him he smelled nice. 

Then he actually leaned in, his lips brushing Louis’ gently, sending a shiver up his own spine before he pressed their lips together ever so gently. His lips slotted between Louis’ own, but they didn’t completely lock. Their lips were closed, it was a soft kiss. No movement, just their lips pressed together softly and their breaths fanning each others’ faces. 

Louis’ lips were soft and they tasted of strawberry lip balm as they pressed back against his own. Harry kind of felt like making fun of him for it, but Harry wasn’t one to talk. The strawberry was now tasting a bit minty because of his own minty lip balm. Neither of them moved their hands, and it honestly would look like a middle school kiss from the outside looking in.

But it was okay.

Harry pulled away first, letting out a breath. Louis looked sort of shocked, his eyes slightly wide and his lips parted as he let out soft tufts of air. His cheeks were pink and his blue eyes were sparkling. Harry couldn’t help but laugh at him, pushing his chair back again so he could sit at the desk.

“Guess I’m a good kisser, go me,” Harry smirked, patting himself on the back and grabbing his pen. “That wasn’t so bad, was it? Just like kissing a girl,” he shrugged, scribbling more shapes onto his page.

Louis just gulped, moving closer and clearing his throat. “Whatever,” he said softly, looking over his shoulder. 

Harry could sense the sudden change in mood, which made him shift uncomfortably in his seat. He felt a bit of anxiety, not knowing if he made Louis uncomfortable by kissing him. He really hoped he didn’t.

“I hope I didn’t make you-“

“You didn’t,” Louis cut him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say. Both of Harry’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline, and he looked over at Louis. “You didn’t,” he repeated, then cleared his throat. “Just wasn’t expecting you to be a good kisser. Thought you’d swallow me, or something, I don’t know. Just expected you to be horrible,” Louis rolled his eyes, and Harry scoffed, wondering how Louis found it in him to insult Harry even after they just kissed.

“Should we continue with the list, then?” Harry suggested with a smile.

“Might as well,” Louis sighed, watching Harry start writing on the paper gracefully, bubbly letters and dotted i’s.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Two hours, a lot of bickering, a bit of laughter, and two cups of tea later. They finally had a coherent list of rules for their stupid fake relationship.

  * _this lasts one month and no longer. the relationship starts in two weeks, but a month after that it ends._


  * _kissing, hand holding, and hugging ONLY HAPPENS IN PUBLIC_


  * _flirt but only around people_


  * _pet names in public **(“Tomlinson, if you call me Hazza-“ “I’m going to call you Hazza because you have to call me boo bear.” “But I don’t like that. Call me sweetheart or darling or something.” “Fine, but I’ll also say Hazza.” “I can’t win with you, can I.” “I always get my way. “Fuck you.”)**_


  * _one “date” a week. preferably fridays because we both have off from work and school._


  * _surprises at work **(“I don’t want to surprise you at work, you work too far.” “You’re such a princess, Harry, Jesus christ.” “Aw. I’m your princess, how cute.” “I will cut your dick off and force you to eat it.” “I already suck dick so that’s fine.” “Gross, Styles.”)**_


  * _tell the friends, you don’t have to tell the family, but it helps._


  * _Louis will do Harry’s maths homework for the rest of the semester, starting next week._



Harry was shocked that he sat down with Louis civilly and got everything done, but he did. Everything was settled, they prepared their list of rules, and everything was set in stone.

Now all he had to do was figure out how to convince Niall that he actually didn’t hate his roommate, because he had to make this relationship seem like it wasn’t completely out of the blue and random.

And he was scared as well. He hadn’t exactly dated anybody on campus yet, wasn’t ready for any of that. He was scared of what people would say, and even though this was fake, he was even scared about this relationship. His last one ended in so much pain, so many tears. Who knew a fake relationship could cause so much stress? 

But he didn’t want to think about that right now. He grabbed a strawberry popsicle from the freezer in their room and sat down on his bed, ignoring Louis leaving the room without saying bye to go see Zayn, and he pressed play on How I Met Your Mother.

He placed the popsicle stick on his bedside table, laying down and pulling his comforter over his body, covering up half of his face as he tried to get the anxiety to go away. The last thing he remembered before going to sleep was Ted Mosby’s voice.

_“If you’re not scared then you’re not taking a chance. And if you’re not taking a chance, what the hell are you doing anyway?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how did you guys feel about this one? i know the kiss was unexpected haha but oh well. 
> 
> are you guys doing well? i hope you are. let me know!
> 
> word count: 6,194
> 
> love you all
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	3. lying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you sure everything’s alright, mate?” Zayn questioned, and Liam nodded with a soft yeah.
> 
> “Did you murder someone?” Liam added, and Louis looked at him with a scrunched up face, sucking his teeth in annoyance. Sometimes, he wanted to push Liam, he really did.
> 
> “Fuck off,” Louis laughed loudly, his head throwing back in response to his stupid joke. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself and gather his thoughts. The words were bouncing off of the walls in his brain and they were all jumbled, and he kind of felt like he should just spit it the fuck out. “I don’t know how to, um, say this-”
> 
> “Here’s a concept,” Liam giggled, and Louis glared at him, anticipating his words. “Just talk?”
> 
> “I-” Louis started, exhaling loudly before scrubbing a hand over his face. “I kind of, like, fucked Harry-”
> 
> “You what!?” Zayn and Liam exclaimed at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! how are we today? i'm mentally exhausted, but that's okay. i hope this chapter is good! enjoy my darlings.
> 
> song of the chapter: Everybody’s Watching Me (Uh Oh) - the neighbourhood 
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)

Having a fake relationship meant that Louis and Harry had to work out many different things. Those many different things included figuring out “their story”, as in their “love” story, understanding each other’s boundaries and what they liked, (Harry didn’t like being touched when he was anxious when he dissociates he eats strawberry popsicles, Louis likes chocolate milk when he’s sad and he needs to hold onto somebody’s hand when he’s in big crowds because big crowds make him anxious) just in case they were in public and something happened. 

Louis didn’t know that there were so many things that went into a fake relationship. He honestly thought that they would go out one day, kiss, and everyone would know they were together. But  _ apparently,  _ according to Harry, they had to let their friends know  _ beforehand.  _

But Louis didn’t - he just -  _ why _ ? He didn’t understand why he had to tell Liam and Zayn beforehand that he was dating a dude. They thought he was straight, yeah, he always said he was, but..

“Tomlinson, just tell Zayn and Liam you’re trying to date a boy just to see how it goes-“

Louis cut him off with a groan, his head tilting back. “I don’t fucking want to,” he stated, sighing. “Why do I have to tell them that I like boys?”

“I-“ Harry started, but he stopped and inhaled deeply, seemingly growing irritated at Louis. Louis felt himself smirk. Making people mad brought him pure joy. “How are you just going to randomly date a man after you’ve been straighter than a fucking pole for the past, how many god damn years, of your life,” he furrowed his eyebrows, throwing his hands in the air.

Louis laughed, biting on his lip. “‘m 24,” he explained, and Harry balled his hands into fists, digging his fingernails into his palms. 

The thing was, Louis didn’t even hate Harry, he just enjoyed riling him up, which Harry didn’t seem to like very much because Harry despised him with this burning passion that Louis couldn't even begin to explain. He didn’t hate Harry in the slightest, how could you ever hate somebody that kind? But of course, Harry  _ had  _ to make it seem like they had this mortal enemy complex. Louis was just an asshole, that was just his personality. He couldn’t help it, he was just blunt and rude. If Harry couldn’t handle it, that was on him. 

“I don’t care how old you are, you need to tell your friends-“

“You’re not the boss of me!” Louis snapped, his voice getting louder causing Harry to shrink backward as he normally did when somebody yelled at him. “I don’t have to tell them shit,” Louis continued, a bit calmer this time because of the look on Harry’s face. Before they had discussed their little “pretend relationship”, Louis wasn’t aware that Harry had ptsd. Harry had to explain that because if they were somewhere that triggered a flashback, he’d have an attack. 

Fake relationships were stressful. He had to act like Harry’s friend now, which was annoying. 

Harry let out a shaky breath, reaching over to grab his phone. Louis watched his shaking hands, feeling a bit guilty for the way he’d snapped, but he didn’t know what to say or how to apologize so he just  _ watched _ . Harry tapped on his phone a little bit, and Louis sunk his teeth into his bottom lip  _ watching _ . What could he possibly be doing?

After a few minutes of silence, Harry got up and walked across the room, handing Louis his phone. Louis looked up at him in confusion, and Harry just glared at him. “Just read,” he stated, going back to sit on his own bed and play whatever the hell he was watching this time. Louis muttered out a ‘whatever’ and scoffed, looking down at his phone and sucking in his cheeks. He noticed they were messages - messages between Harry and his best friend, who he assumed was named Niall based on the contact name and Harry’s night time phone calls (he talked too loud). 

**_To Captain Niall_ **

_ hey  _

_ i uh _

_ i have to tell you something but u cant get mad _

_ i also cant call u right now i’m busy and it’s eating me up so i kind of just wanna tell you over text i’m sorry _

**_From Captain Niall_ **

_ don’t be sorry bub what’s wrong _

Louis felt his heart squeeze uncomfortably at the affection. He’d never let Zayn be that verbally affectionate with him, mainly because it made him feel an uncomfortable tingling in his stomach that he didn’t like. He never really let anybody be verbally affectionate with him, to be honest. It made him feel weird. His way of showing love was being annoying, hugging the person, and buying the person food. He hoped that showed love, but verbal affection wasn’t his thing. Affection wasn’t his thing, really. Affection was weird. He never knew how to take it, how do you even react to affection? How do you react to somebody saying _ I love you _ ? The last time he told Zayn or Liam he loved them was when he was piss drunk at a party. 

**_To Captain Niall_ **

_ louis and i kind of like _

_ kissed? _

_ the other night? because we had an argument and he just like _

_ fucking kissed me _

_ and we admitted we had feelings for each other and he took me on a date? _

**_From Captain Niall_ **

_ you _

_ he _

_ he what _

_ you did what _

_ he  _

_ you went where with louis _

_ you _

_ you did what _

**_To Captain Niall_ **

_ don’t be mad at me i love you _

“Gross,” Louis shuddered, and Harry looked up with a scrunched nose. “You say I love you to your friends? Gross,” he explained, and Harry rolled his eyes.

“I always tell Nialler I love him every morning and night,” he flipped Louis off mid-sentence, and Louis just flipped him off right back. “Who knows what could happen to him? He could wake up with a terminal disease and have 7 days to live. He needs to know that I love him,” Harry explained, and Louis felt a laugh bubbling in his throat.

So he snorted loudly, obnoxiously, and Harry scowled. Harry hopped off of the bed, marching over and grabbing the phone from Louis, then he shoved Louis over so he hit the bed. Louis didn’t even react, just continued to laugh. “You’re so dramatic Styles,  _ god _ . He isn’t going to  _ die  _ if you don’t tell him you love him,” Louis continued to cackle, and he didn’t even know why. He thought it was sweet that Harry wanted to remind his friend that he loved him, he didn’t even know  _ why he was laughing _ .

Louis just didn’t know how to react to affection. 

Harry let out a loud sigh, sitting back on his bed and giving Louis the dirtiest look he could possibly fathom, and Louis had to try his hardest to hold in his laughter.

“You’re such an asshole,  _ god _ , why am I even helping you?” Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes. Louis shrugged, moving so that his back was against his headboard. 

“Because I’m doing your maths homework,” he pointed out. “You’re getting something out of this, curly, just remember that.” Louis sighed, reaching over onto his bedside to grab his phone and text Zayn.

**_To Zack_ **

_ yo _

_ feel like having a skate? _

_ and a smoke _

_ ask li too _

_ gotta talk to you both i guess _

Zayn’s reply came within minutes.  _ Jeez _ , Louis thought.  _ It’s almost like he was waiting.  _

**_From Zack_ **

_ sounds cool mate _

_ meet you in an hour at the front of the building  _

_ li too, he’s coming _

_ he isn’t skating  _

_ just bringing bandaids and water and snacks like the dad he is _

**_To Zack_ **

_ more like mum _

_ mummy liam _

**_From Zack_ **

_ sod off  _

_ you’re so annoying LMFAO i hate u _

**_To Zack_ **

_ whatever bro i’ll see you in a bit x  _

**_From Zack_ **

_ did you just kiss me _

**_To Zack_ **

_ that was a one time thing _

There were a few moments of awkward silence between him and Harry, which made Louis' skin itch. He didn’t really like that. He was used to arguing (or being an asshole). But, Harry spoke up again. 

“Don’t call me curly,” Harry mumbled, standing up slowly and walking over to their freezer. “We aren't friends, alright?” Harry glared, and Louis put his hands up defensively. 

He chuckled a bit, shrugging. “Fine, whatever, I won’t call you curly, Styles,” he rolled his eyes, taking in a deep breath and pushing himself up off of his bed. Louis yawned, stretching a bit so his bones cracked, making himself groan softly. He had a horrible habit of cracking all of his bones, which Harry always yelled at him for, but he didn’t care. He walked over to his wardrobe, pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a jumper. “I’m going to go change, then I’m going out with Zayn and Liam to tell them-“

“I literally could care less-“

“It’s couldn’t care less,” Louis cut in, turning around to look at Harry, who had a strawberry popsicle in his hand. Harry slowly furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance, to which Louis didn’t even react as he continued to speak. “If you say you could care less, you are implying that you do care, just a little.” 

“I-“ Harry cut himself off by taking in a deep breath. “If I  _ couldn’t  _ care less, it means that I don’t care and I couldn’t care any less than I already do and I already don’t care so it means I don’t care at all.”

“But you do care because you said you couldn’t care less than you do meaning you care,” Louis paused with a shit-eating grin. “Just a bit.” 

Harry didn’t even say anything to Louis, he just squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, turning around on his heel and walking back over to his bed. He sat down, plugged in his headphones, and didn’t pay any mind to Louis. Louis didn’t say anything to Harry either, just shrugged. He felt like he got his point across as he walked out of the room, having left his towel in the bathroom that was shared with Liam and Zayn (since they were all suitemates). 

Louis took a deep breath, feeling the smile leave his face as he put his clothes down on the counter in the bathroom, looking in the mirror.  _ God _ , he thought to himself.  _ I look awful _ . It’d been a week since he and Eleanor broke up and honestly he didn’t know if it was getting easier or harder. He’d been sleeping a lot less, which wasn’t saying much because he barely slept to begin with. His eye bags had gotten darker and deeper, and he just looked so pale and  _ lifeless. _

Eleanor was an exhausting person, she always had been. She was overwhelming, overbearing, pushy, and mean, and Louis couldn’t even figure out  _ why  _ he stayed with her. Over the past week, he had time to really sit down and talk to Zayn about her. 

It had been a really long time since he was even able to sit down and talk to Zayn. He really missed him, even if he didn’t want to tell him that he did. He missed his voice, missed talking to him, missed his hugs. He sat down with Zayn and told him how much he missed her, how much he loved her, and Zayn let him cry and cry and cry and didn’t complain. Didn’t bring up the fact that Louis hadn’t spoken to him for two weeks prior to the breakup. He didn’t.

Louis sighed, stripping off his t-shirt and shorts, then he pulled down his boxers and went to start the water for a shower. He needed to shower. He hadn’t in like, what, three days? He couldn’t get himself out of bed. Before Eleanor even broke up with him, he just felt  _ gray _ and sad. He felt dark and lonely inside, and it sucked. He honestly didn’t even feel like he had a reason to get up. But hey, he did have a reason today: Zayn and Liam. 

He really missed his best friends. He missed Liam’s motherly nature and Zayn’s chaotic personality and he just wanted to spend time with them. Louis stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain shut, immediately letting the water matte his hair to his forehead. It felt good to have the warm water hitting his skin, making his body heat up.

Being able to feel something was nice.

Louis reached up, grabbing his vanilla-scented body wash and pouring some in his hand, rubbing his hands together before scrubbing it all over his arms, dragging his nails up and down his arms gently. He hummed under his breath, shutting his eyes and letting the calming feeling consume him. Louis rinsed his body off before grabbing his shampoo, pouring some into his hand before rubbing it into his scalp. 

He didn’t take too long, he was mindful of the fact that Harry hadn’t showered yet and he didn’t want to annoy him anymore by taking too long, so he finished washing off his body and stepped out of the shower. Louis grabbed his towel, drying himself off before putting on some of his deodorant and putting on some lotion. He grabbed his clothes, dressing quickly before looking himself in the mirror, smiling a bit. 

He felt kind of happy for the first time in about three weeks. The idea of skating always made him really smiley and excited, especially if he was with Zayn. Louis looked down, quickly realizing that he forgot his socks. He groaned, turning off the light before turning the knob and leaving the bathroom, going to walk back into the dorm. 

“No- Niall!” Louis could hear Harry’s voice from outside of the door, and he groaned a bit, keeping his hand lingering near the knob. He immediately felt a wave of frustration, realizing that Harry was on the phone with Niall, which scared him, for obvious reasons. He groaned, tilting his head back, and blinking up at the ceiling. “God, fuck me, please. I want to die. End me,” he whispered softly to himself gulping. He didn’t know how the  _ hell  _ he was going to walk in on Harry and his best friend holy  _ shit _ . Niall already knew that he was dating - “dating” - Harry. Niall  _ expected  _ Louis to come in and naturally kiss him and call him baby and darling and Louis just  _ wasn’t prepared.  _

Louis sucked in a deep breath,  _ you can do this, you can do this _ , he thought to himself, trying to prepare himself. He swallowed thickly, turning the knob and quietly sliding into the door, but Harry’s head snapped to the side anyways, and Harry’s face immediately lost all color.

Louis just gave him a look, mouthing  _ go with it _ before walking over to me. “Baby,” Louis cleared his throat, and Harry’s entire face went bright red.  _ Oh,  _ Louis smirked.  _ I could get used to that _ . He very much enjoyed riling Harry up and embarrassing him, so watching his face turning red made him  _ very  _ happy. 

“Yeah?” Harry coughed, covering his mouth with his sleeve, trying his best to avoid eye contact with Louis. 

“‘s that your boy toy?” Louis heard Niall’s thick Irish accent ringing through the speaker, and he couldn’t help but bite back his smile. 

Louis pushed his head into the frame of the camera, ignoring Harry’s noise of protest and the soft “hey!” that came from his mouth. Louis smiled at Niall, waving a bit.

“You’re getting me all wet! Louis,” Harry groaned, shoving him away and glaring at him. “You just got out of the shower and you’re all wet, why must you put your wet hair all over me and my phone? I -“

“Harry-“

“No, you’re annoying me-“

“Baby-“

“What?” Harry whined, looking at Louis, clearly hating that they had to start faking everything  _ out of nowhere _ . Louis just gave him a look again, and Harry’s chest heaved with his deep breathing. Louis could tell he was feeling anxious, and he sucked in his cheeks and stared at Harry, trying to tell him  _ it’s alright, it won’t be long _ .

“You’re quite mean to your boyfriend, Harold,” Niall chuckled. “Hi, Louis, I’m Niall, Harry’s bestest friend in the entire world,” Louis felt his heart squeeze at that. Made him quite happy. “I don’t care that you’re dating him, I’m still the number one man in his life and you will not change that. If you hurt him, I’ll have your head.” He explained, a nice smile on his face. Louis’ eyes widened. Niall was  _ scarily  _ protective over Harry and it kind of.. worried him? Not because he was protective, but like, why? Louis just nodded, giving him a smile. 

“I wouldn’t do that,” he smiled, and Harry looked  _ shocked _ . It was almost as if Harry forgot that Louis was an actor. He was a theatre major, of course, he could act well. Harry’s face was bright red, and Louis couldn’t even help himself or control his hands, he reached forward with his left hand and cupped his cheek. “You’re all red, baby,” he said smugly, and Harry’s eyes just said  _ I will kill you _ .

Louis could hear Niall cackling, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Harry’s, his smug smile faltering a bit as he scanned his face as if to ask  _ are you okay _ ? On its own accord, Louis’ thumb ran across Harry’s cheek gently, and Harry just looked back at him with a reassuring smile.  _ It’s fine, this is okay _ , Harry’s face said clearly, but Louis felt a weird tingling in his fingertips and in his tummy and in his cheeks and he gulped a bit. 

“Ahem,” Niall coughed a bit. “Am I interrupting somethi-“ 

“ _ No _ !” Louis quickly sputtered, pulling his hand away from Harry with his face bright red. “No, I mean,” he coughed a bit, running his hand through his hair awkwardly. “No, I was just, um,” he bit down on his lip, tugging on the feathery strands. “I was gonna tell Harry I’m going out now and, yeah,” he spoke fast, going over to his side of the room and sitting on the floor, reaching under the bed. Louis took a deep breath, shutting his eyes and trying his hardest to calm the weird tingling in his stomach. He couldn’t tell what it was - nerves? Anxiety? 

Harry just -  _ Harry _ . They weren’t friends, no, not even close. He’d never  _ touched  _ Harry before. His skin was so gentle and smooth and Louis liked the feeling against his thumb and he didn’t like that. Louis clenched his eyes shut.  _ No _ , he thought to himself.  _ Uh uh, no, stop _ , he thought. 

Louis grabbed his skateboard from under the bed, squeezing his eyes shut before pushing himself up off the ground. “I’ll see you later?” He looked at Harry, who was watching him with a confused face. He hoped to  _ god _ that Harry couldn't sense his nervousness. 

“Yeah,” Harry breathed out, giving him a small nod. Louis just nodded back, going to walk out of the door as quickly as he could, not wanting to look back because he just wanted to see Zayn and smoke his feelings away with cigarettes, with weed,  _ anything _ . 

But, no, because Harry just had to -

“No kiss?” 

Louis heard Harry’s quiet and timid voice, and he could hear a pout in his voice and he thinks  _ fuck, this is payback, isn’t it _ because he did the same fucking shit to Harry, came in and teased him and held his face until he fucked up and got all nervous and had to pull away because what the fuck he was  _ straight _ . 

“Harry,” Louis whined, and Harry just gave him an even bigger pout when he turned around to face him, and  _ fuck  _ he didn’t want to say no to that point even if they weren’t even friends. “Fine, c’mere.”

“You come here,” Harry demanded.

“I-“ Louis groaned. “Why are you so annoying?” he grunted, genuinely feeling annoyance towards the curly-headed man. He clenched his fists a bit, trying to calm himself down.

“I will never understand your relationship,” he heard Niall grumble through the speaker, and he forced out a laugh and walked closer to Harry and he leaned over the bed a bit, gently grabbing Harry by the back of the neck. Louis leaned in slowly, gently brushing their lips together at first, feeling his chest tighten with the feeling. Harry’s lips were soft and minty, plump but thin. It was nice. Kind of like a girl’s lips, honestly. Louis pressed his lips against Harry’s chastely, his eyes fluttering shut slowly and his grip on his neck loosening, holding the gentle press of the lips a little bit.

Louis doesn’t want to admit that he wasn’t the one who pulled away first. He would deny that if you asked him. Harry laughed softly against his lips, pulling away from the kiss with a little smile, a sparkle in his eye saying  _ good job _ , and Louis felt his heart rabbit in his chest.

“Call me if you need me?” Louis adds, hoping that he sounds like a good boyfriend. Harry just gave him a little wave and nodded.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “And let me know if you get there safe,” Harry stated with another wave. “Have fun.”

Louis rubbed at his chest, again, groaning. He clutched his board to his side, slipping his vans on his feet and opening up the door. Louis gulped and stepped outside of the door, letting out the loudest and most exasperated sigh he could fathom. He was sure that people on the other side of the dormitory buildings could hear him, but he didn’t care because  _ what the fuck _ . 

He did  _ not  _ just  _ actually  _ enjoy kissing a  _ man _ . A  _ man _ . Nope. No. He was  _ straight _ \- no, straighter than straight. The straightest. Louis didn’t  _ like  _ boys, he’s never - he never - 

_ There was that one time  _ he thought to himself, but  _ no,  _ that little crush on Zayn was a one-time thing and that’s all. 

Frustration took over his entire body as he scrunched his face up. He decided he’d take the stairs, maybe running down the stairs would help him release some steam.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Louis skated all the way to the park he was meeting Zayn and Liam at, the wind blowing through his hair and music blaring through his earbuds. He hadn’t skated in quite a while, school being stressful and all. He really didn’t have time for anything but work and school, it seemed. He never really got to do much. When he wasn’t at work or school, he was with Eleanor. His heart clenched in his chest at the thought of her.

He wondered what she was doing, and genuinely hoped she was okay. Of course, she walked out on him for no god damn reason, but he couldn’t find it in him to hate her. A lot of people left. It was normal for Louis. People leave, people aren’t permanent. But he hoped she was okay. Even though she left, she didn’t deserve to be sad.

As a child, Louis only really had Zayn. His friends came and went, loving him for a year and finding someone new the next. It was normal for Louis to not make new friends or meet new people. Zayn always stayed, he was one constant in Louis' life that he felt he needed to keep him stable. That, and his siblings. They never left his side. But other than that, he grew up not really trusting people to stay. 

People were going to leave. People never stayed. He knew that. He knew how things ended, and he didn’t get too attached too quickly. Even though he loved Liam, he couldn’t find himself trusting him completely. He’d met Liam at the start of college, Zayn introduced them because he was Zayn’s roommate. He was cool and all, but Louis was just..  _ no _ . He loved him, he made him laugh, he could talk to him, but he didn’t want to rely on anybody that wasn’t Zayn or his family.

Don’t get attached. That’s how he grew up, reminding himself not to get attached.

Louis swallowed thickly as he reached the park, putting his foot down to stop the board from rolling and he stepped on the edge of it so it flipped up into his hand quickly. He pulled out his earbuds, seeing Zayn and Liam from afar. Zayn was trying to skate down a railing, and Liam was petting random dogs in the park, which was such a  _ Liam  _ thing to do. 

Louis cupped his hands over his mouth, yelling “Oi oi!” Almost on instinct, Zayn and Liam turned their heads around to look at Louis with bright smiles. He felt the bit of sadness in his chest go away as he saw the two standing up as he jogged over to them. 

“Lou,” Zayn smiled, reaching over to hug him, his hand patting Louis’ upper back. Louis breathed him in, the scent of cigarettes and cologne filling his nose. Zayn wore this super expensive Burberry cologne and Louis honestly didn’t know where he had the money to get the cologne constantly. But nevertheless, he enjoyed the smell of it (and he did end up borrowing it at times). 

“Z,” he greeted, hugging him tightly. He pulled away with a smile before going over to Liam and punching his arm playfully.

“Slut,” Louis greeted Liam with a smile, and all Liam did was glare at him.

“Will you ever learn how to be nice to me?”

“Will you ever learn how to not act like a middle-aged mum?” 

Liam paused for a moment, a small laugh escaping his lips. “Touché,” he laughed, going in for a tight hug. Liam had his arms wrapped protectively around Louis, and Louis felt himself relax into his touch. Even though Louis wasn’t extremely attached to Liam, Liam did make him feel comforted and safe. There was just something about his personality, his aura, that made Louis feel  _ okay _ . 

“How are you feeling, mate?” Liam questioned, obviously referring to the whole situation with Eleanor and how heartbroken he was. Louis just shrugged, not being able to really find words to describe how he was feeling about it.

“‘M alright, I guess,” Louis breathed out, pulling out of he and Liam’s hug. Liam and Zayn both looked at him with concerned looks, almost like worried parents, and Louis felt a bit of a laugh bubbling in his chest. Louis’ mom had told Zayn to take care of him at uni, and he was starting to think that Zayn was taking that suggestion a bit too seriously. Liam too. “Stop looking at me like that,” Louis whined, going to push his messy fringe out of his face. “”M alright guys, promise, promise,” he continued. “I didn’t even want to talk about.. her. It was, um, something else, actually, that I’ve been feeling a while now and I don’t really know what to do,’ he gulped. Being a theatre kid came in handy sometimes, honestly. Louis was such a good actor, even Zayn couldn’t see past his facade. 

Zayn furrowed his eyebrows, grabbing his board and sitting down on the board. Louis watched him, watching the way his face turned into one of confusion instead of concern.

“Budge over,” Liam nudged Zayn with his foot, and Zayn whined and swatted his foot away. Louis scoffed a bit, rolling his eyes.

“We can go sit on the stairs or in the grass like  _ normal human beings _ , you weirdos,” Louis laughed shifting his weight onto his other leg. He watched as Zayn scooted over a bit, allowing Liam to sit on the other side of his skateboard. Louis followed suit, putting his board on the ground and sitting on it, his feet planted on the ground.

The three of them fell silent, their breathing, the wind, and dogs barking turning into white noise. Louis could feel the worry radiating off of Zayn and Liam, and he could also feel anxiety filling his veins. How the  _ hell  _ was he even going to do this? How was he going to tell them that he liked - well fake liked, but they didn’t know that - Harry?

“Are you sure everything’s alright, mate?” Zayn questioned, and Liam nodded with a soft  _ yeah _ .

“Did you murder someone?” Liam added, and Louis looked at him with a scrunched up face, sucking his teeth in annoyance. Sometimes, he wanted to push Liam, he really did.

“Fuck off,” Louis laughed loudly, his head throwing back in response to his stupid joke. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself and gather his thoughts. The words were bouncing off of the walls in his brain and they were all jumbled, and he kind of felt like he should just  _ spit it the fuck out _ . “I don’t know how to, um, say this-”

“Here’s a concept,” Liam giggled, and Louis glared at him, anticipating his words. “Just  _ talk _ ?”

“I-” Louis started, exhaling loudly before scrubbing a hand over his face. “I kind of, like, fucked Harry-”

“You  _ what _ !?” Zayn and Liam exclaimed at the same time. Louis looked at them weirdly, the whole talking and moving at the same time shit freaked him the hell out. He knew they were best friends, but mirroring was terrifying. Louis was also suddenly regretting that he told them like this, and he was mentally punching the shit out of himself for saying that instead of saying what Harry told him to say.

“We’re kind of, like, a thing-”

“You moved on that quickly?” Zayn quickly asked, and Louis felt himself freeze. Zayn had seen him through so many of his breakups, he _knew_ Louis and he _knew_ Louis didn’t move on so fast and _fuck_ , now Louis was panicking because what the fuck was he supposed to say? _Improv skills, don’t fail me now_ , Louis thought to himself.

“I sort of, um, was already losing feelings, I think, for Eleanor,” he cleared his throat, lying through his teeth. “I was losing feelings, and I think I was hurt because of the initial shock of the breakup. Harry found me crying and comforted me and whatever, and I think like, a few months ago I started thinking I might like boys and-”

“A-are you coming out?” Zayn furrowed his eyebrows, and Louis felt his breath catching in his throat.

“I-I mean-”

“We support you mate,” Liam cut him off with a warm and accepting smile, and Louis felt himself relax. He didn’t even need to, honestly, and he didn’t know  _ why  _ he was so relieved.

“I just like Harry, I guess, is what I’m trying to say,” Louis cleared his throat, looking down at the floor. He felt his tummy getting all fluttery again, and he tried his best to push the feelings away.

“We’re both very proud of you, you know,” Zayn breathed out with a smile. Louis’ head perked up, a smile growing on his face. He knew he didn’t have to worry about Zayn and Liam supporting him, of course, they would. They were two of the most supportive people in the world.

Liam smiled at Louis, reaching forward to touch his arm gently. “You don’t have to be afraid to tell us things, mate, we’re here for you,” he gave Louis a little grin, and Louis could practically feel the mom energy radiating off of him. 

“How did you, like, know?” Zayn questioned.

Louis shrugged a bit, looking up at both of them. “I’ve seen Harry shirtless a few times and he’s quite fit, honestly.”

Liam made a face of approval. “He is quite fit, actually. I’m straight, but he is attractive,” he stated. “But, I thought you hated each other,” Liam wondered aloud, and Louis laughed, mentally groaning because he  _ knew  _ this question was coming.

“I never hated him, just liked to rile him up,” he stated. That part was true. He loved to rile Harry up, but apparently, Harry hated being riled up. “Harry just hated me, but I think like during an argument we snapped because-”

“Because of your sexual tension, we got that,” Zayn smirked, and Louis’ face flushed red in embarrassment. 

Louis breathed out slowly, nodding, and standing up. He felt like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders and chest, and he just overall felt  _ lighter _ , and  _ wow _ . He suddenly felt like this would actually work, maybe it would actually be okay.

Well, okay besides the fact that he felt some weird feelings in his tummy whenever Harry touched him. Now, he wasn’t homophobic, he wasn’t  _ against  _ kissing boys, he saw himself doing it, it was just.. he was straight. He always  _ had  _ been straight. He had no doubt about that, and it made him uncomfortable that he was feeling  _ things  _ all of a sudden. 

“Can we, um, skate?” he questioned, wanting to not think about it for a second, wanted his mind off of Harry and off of… those feelings. He just wanted to change the subject from their sexual tension to doing kickflips. He put his foot on the board, watching Zayn and Liam stand up as well.

“I’ll sit over there with the bandaids ready,” Liam grumbled under his breath, going to find a shady spot underneath a tree. Louis felt a laugh bubbling in his chest as he turned his head to Zayn.

“Wanna do some tricks?”

“Fuck yeah,” Zayn breathed out with a smirk.

But the thoughts stayed in his brain the entire time he was skating.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Considering Louis was extremely distracted the whole time he was skating, he fell so many goddamn times that Liam ran out of bandaids for his scrapes and cuts, not to mention that some of the cuts were huge and the bandaids didn’t cover them. 

But Louis told Zayn and Liam he was fine, telling them he needed to get back to his boy, you know, boyfriend things since he was apparently Harry’s boyfriend. So, he got back on his board and plugged his earbuds in, skating all the way back to the dorm buildings. He hissed at the feeling of his hoodie on his skin, being that he fell and got road burn all over his shoulder  _ through the fucking hoodie _ .

When he got back to his dorm, he didn’t even check if Harry was there before taking off his hoodie and hissing at the drag and burn of the skin. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, ow,” Louis whimpered, moving his shoulder around a bit as he toed his shoes off and kicked them to the corner. 

“Shut up,” Harry grumbled, his voice raspy. Louis assumed he had been asleep, and he looked over at the lump on the bed and flipped him off, even if Harry couldn’t see.

“I got fucking road burn, fuck you,” Louis hissed at him, opening up his wardrobe and looking in the full body mirror at the road burn on his arm. He scrunched up his nose, seeing scrapes and blood and he whimpered again, the cold air making it sting more.

He heard rustling from the other side of the room, and suddenly Harry was going through stuff in his wardrobe. Louis chose to ignore it, he was probably looking for a pair of socks or something, he thought. 

“Come,” Harry mumbled. “I feel bad now, let me clean it. I have big bandaids and alcohol wipes and you need to clean that before it gets infected. Go sit,” Harry explained, and Louis’ head whipped around quickly. He furrowed his eyebrows at him, his chest bubbling a bit with a weird fuzzy feeling and he rubbed at it. He looked at the curly-headed man, who was wearing a hoodie and sweats with his curls pulled back in a clip. He looked so tired and irritated, but he wanted to help Louis anyway.

“You’re being nice to me, how strange,” Louis grumbled, scoffing as he walked over to sit on Harry’s bed.

Harry walked over to him, smacking the back of his head gently. Louis scowled, looking up and rubbing his head gently. “I could be an asshole and let you bleed out to death, so shut the fuck up and let me clean your cuts so I can sleep,” Harry snapped, and Louis put his arms up in defense.

“Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed-”

“Tomlinson, I  _ swear _ ,” Harry snapped, taking the tissue that was wet with alcohol and going to sit at Louis’ side. Louis snapped his jaw shut as Harry brought it closer to the cut. “It’s gonna sting, okay? You can, like, grab the sheets, or my arm or my leg, I don’t really care.”

“Cheeky,” Louis smirked through his teeth, and Harry narrowed his eyes into a glare and just gently pressed the tissue on his arm in response. Louis jumped, his hand jumping to Harry’s shin and he shut his eyes tightly as he hissed at the burning sensation. “It burns, ow, ow, ouch-”

“You have to hold still or it’s gonna hurt worse Tomlinson,” Harry said sternly, and Louis bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood to distract from the stinging. Louis gripped onto Harry’s leg tightly, his head tilting back from the pain. He was shocked that Harry was being so nice, shocked that he was even sitting this close to him.    


Before he knew it, the burning was done, and Harry was rubbing a cold cream, which Louis assumed was antibiotic, acoss his arm and putting a large bandaid over it. Louis breathed out softly when he was done, a smirk settling across his lips again.

“Not gonna kiss it better?” Louis teased, and Harry flipped him off emotionlessly before getting up off of the bed to put his first aid kit back in the wardrobe. He loved pissing Harry off, it brought him joy.

“Fuck you,” Harry huffed. “And get off my bed. Let me go back to sleep,” Harry crawled back under the covers while Louis was still sitting at the edge of the bed. Harry cuddled up with his stuffed bear and the blanket, and Louis cooed mockingly at the sight. 

“Aw, the toddler needs a nap-”

“I will slap you.”

Louis just let out a soft laugh, enjoying the banter and their little arguments. He didn’t thank Harry for cleaning his cut, he just got off the bed. Harry would probably take that as a thank you. Louis was appreciative, though. Happy that even though Harry hated him, he was still kind enough to be nice to him when he was hurt. It made Louis’ stomach twist weirdly, and he bit back a smile as he sat on his bed, whipping his phone out to text Zayn.

**_To Zack_ **

_ my boyfriend cleaned my cut haha _

**_From Zack_ **

_ good for u _

_ how disgustingly domestic _

And Louis thought, yeah, that was disgustingly domestic.

And if you asked him later, he would most definitely deny that he was happy that Harry cleaned his cuts because that was supposed to be his mortal enemy and it wasn’t supposed to make him smile so much. He would deny that he was happy that Zayn and Liam accepted his “coming out”, even if it wasn’t real.

Because now he knew that if it was, they wouldn’t hate him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey heyyy
> 
> how did y'all feel about that? let me know! feedback is appreciated.
> 
> i love you all sm!!!! have a great day/night <3
> 
> character count: 6,593
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	4. make sure you're okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he didn’t know why, but it made his chest feel all weird and fluttery. His heart felt like it was contracting and it honestly felt like he was on fire just from looking at the boy, smiling and laughing. When Harry threw his head back because of something Maya said, Louis’ stomach did a flip flop, and he had to remind himself to chill the fuck out because no.
> 
> Now honestly, he was thinking that this was a platonic crush. He wanted to sit next to him, hear his ugly laugh, watch a movie with him and talk the entire time, and swap embarrassing childhood stories with him. Somehow, he just wanted to be next to Harry and talk to him. Be his friend. 
> 
> But the hardest thing was that Harry really hated him, like really fucking hated him. If there was one thing he wanted to do, it was gain the boy’s trust. Make him happy. Make him feel comfortable enough to talk to him without wanting to wring his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! sorry this took forever, i've been sick and i've been studying for finals. i'm really stressed lately, but that's okay. how are all of you today? good? if you celebrate, how as it? let me know.
> 
> song of the chapter: Cool with You by Her's
> 
> enjoy guys!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of the word f*g
> 
> word count: 7,600

The first day of them _actually_ faking their relationship was _extremely_ packed with classes, work shifts, homework, and dinner with their friends. Well, homework could wait because Harry’s was due later on in the week, Louis had to memorize his lines for his next show. Luckily, Louis didn’t have work on Mondays, but Harry did, he had to work at 3 p.m. Harry didn’t have class until 12 p.m., but Louis felt that as his boyfriend, Harry should walk him to class at 7 a.m. to be nice and sweet (and because Eleanor was in that class). 

And that’s how Louis ended up holding hands with a very grumpy Harry at 6:50 in the morning as they walked halfway across campus in the freezing cold. Harry‘s resting bitch face didn’t stop the onlookers around them from whispering to each other, and Louis felt Harry clutch harder onto his hand, his nails digging into the back. There were a lot of people shockingly, despite the fact that it was super fucking early in the morning. Harry was just not used to big crowds, and that was alright.

“You’re hurting me,” Louis hissed, trying to pull his hand away from Harry’s, but Harry held tighter. Louis wasn’t one to care very much about what people had to say, he ignored the whispers quite well. There were a lot of people on campus, though, and he was quite popular. So maybe that was why the whispers didn’t bother him.

_What the fuck?_

_Since when was he gay??_

_They’re together??_

Even the occasional fag was thrown in, but it didn’t bother Louis. But Harry on the other hand? Harry was _trembling._ Louis had completely forgotten that Harry had bad anxiety and the whispering probably wasn’t helping that. Louis furrowed his eyebrows, his stomach dropping a bit with the realization. He already felt kind of bad for pulling him out of bed before he needed to be awake. Louis sighed a bit, grabbing Harry’s hand a bit tighter and trying to make him stop walking.

“Hey, hey, Harry,” Louis breathed out, the cold November air blowing tufts of their hair around and their breath making clouds in the air. It was _freezing_ and Louis hated it, and Harry’s usually warm hands were starting to get cold too. Harry stopped walking, a whine leaving his lips as he stood in front of Louis. Louis smiled up at him, hoping he could calm Harry’s anxiety a bit. He could see it on his face, his face paler than normal, no blush evident. 

“To-“ Harry started, clearing his throat. Louis gave him a look saying _first name, mate_. He knew Harry got the message when he reached one hand up to rub under his nose and he blinked a few times. “Lou, I’m feeling-“

“Anxious, I know Hazza,” Louis smiled sympathetically. The words felt quite foreign in Louis’ mouth; being affectionate towards Harry felt uncomfortable and foreign. It felt so _wrong_ and _weird_. 

“I-“

“You’re fine, baby,” Louis reassured, reaching up to rustle Harry’s curls a bit. Harry shifted uncomfortably, and Louis gave him a look again. He almost had to remind himself that Harry wasn’t in the right state to be very nice. Anxiety did things that Louis didn’t necessarily understand because he didn’t have anxiety, but he had depression so he understood being irrational. “You’re okay, sweetheart, we’re alright,” Louis smiled gently at him, reaching to hook his index finger underneath Harry’s chin and tilt his face up.

Harry breathed out softly, averting his gaze to look at the ground. Louis bit the inside of his cheek, trying his hardest to not get frustrated with him. Louis went to speak, but before he could even get anything out he felt a palm slapping against his back roughly.

“Tommo!” The voice said, and it registered as Zayn in Louis’ head. Louis whipped his head around in shock, his eyes meeting a smiling Zayn. He gave him an annoyed look, and Zayn put his hands up in defense. Louis would never be able to understand how he was always so chirpy and smiley in the morning. “Tommo’s boyfriend,” Zayn greeted Harry with a wink, and Harry gulped audibly when Zayn reached out to shake his hand. 

Louis sucked in his cheeks awkwardly, watching Harry clear his throat and reach his hand out to shake Zayn’s gently. “T-Tommo’s boyfriend, yeah,” Harry laughed shakily. “That’s me, his, um,” he paused, clearing his throat again. “His boyfriend..” He trailed off, looking away, and it took everything in Louis to not pinch the bridge of his nose in irritation at Harry’s horrible acting. 

“He has anxiety-“

“Louis!” Harry hissed, reaching over to slap his arm. Louis looked at him with his eyebrows knitted together, his face screaming _what?!_ “You can’t just-“

“‘s alright mate,” Zayn smiled at Harry, and Harry looked up slowly to make eye contact with Zayn. “I have anxiety too, but ‘s not like, social anxiety, so I don’t have a problem talking to people. My brain’s just-“

“Irrational,” Harry finished his sentence with a smile, a breath leaving his lips. Louis bit into his bottom lip, a weird feeling swirling in his stomach at the sight of the two of them bonding already. It felt strange. Harry and Zayn weren’t _supposed_ to get along. Harry hadn’t ever really spoken to Zayn or Liam, he always avoided Louis’ friends. Mentally, Louis hoped that Harry wouldn’t get along with Liam too.

“Yeah, well,” Louis cut into their little moment with a finger in the air. “I hate to rain on your little parade-“

“Anxiety bonding parade?” Harry cut him off with a laugh, Zayn joining in.

“You can’t really go to parades with anxiety, you’d pass out.”

“Or cry,” Harry added.

“Or cry then pass out,” Zayn added on, raising both of his eyebrows and pointing at Harry.

“Or just be perfectly fine until somebody tries to talk to you. Then you freak out and cry and pass out-“

“Shut up!” Louis groaned. “For god's sake, shut up, both of you, I’m late to class,” Louis huffed, going to adjust his bag on his shoulder. 

“Okay, okay, babe, we’ll go,” Harry rolled his eyes, sounding tired of Louis’ impatience. “Nice to officially meet you, Zayn.” Louis noticed that Harry seemed a little bit calmer after joking with Zayn about his anxiety, which Louis found a bit strange. But he chalked it down to a coping mechanism. He used humor as a coping mechanism for his depression as well, so it was understandable. 

“Still on for later?” Zayn questioned, looking back and forth between Louis and Harry. Louis just nodded quickly, mumbling “bye Zayn,” and grabbing Harry by the wrist, dragging him away from Zayn.

“Louis,” Harry whined, speeding up a bit to get to Louis’ side. Louis scoffed, his eyes narrowing as he shook Harry off of his arm. “Louis,” Harry warned, and Louis groaned. He _hated this_. Why did he have to act nice towards Harry? 

_People are still around_ , Louis suddenly reminded himself, and he shut his eyes tightly, taking in a deep breath. Harry was so.. he was so. _Harry_. Louis reached his hand out to push open the door, but Harry beat him to it and held the door open for him. Louis looked at him weirdly, but still walked through it and walked ahead of Harry. 

“Wow,” Harry scoffed. “Not even a thank you. How fucking nice,” Harry rolled his eyes, following close behind Louis. Louis didn’t even know why he was annoyed, honestly, Harry just..

He hated that Harry was able to click with Zayn so easily, even with his anxiety. He didn’t like that Harry was able to talk so openly with Zayn, be so calm and nice with Zayn, but he couldn’t do that with Louis. Louis just didn’t understand. Harry hated him from the moment they met. Maybe it was because of Louis’ shitty attitude, he didn’t know. But he was still upset, and he didn’t even know why. 

“Louis,” Harry whined, and Louis sighed, stopping his fast-paced walking and turning around. 

“What?”

“Do you want me to walk you the rest of the way, or do you wanna stop here-“

“Walk me all the way. The class didn’t start yet, meaning _she_ isn’t there yet,” Louis had bitterness coating his tone, and Harry rolled his eyes as he walked back next to Louis and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. 

“You’re so dramatic, you know,” Harry grumbled in his ear in annoyance. To the outside world, it looked like Harry was whispering sweet nothings to Louis. “And really annoying. I’m allowed to talk to Zayn if I want to-“

“He’s my friend.”

“I only have 3 of those and you have way more than that,” Harry reminded Louis with a snarl. “I just wanted to make a friend, it’s nice to bond with somebody who struggles with the same things as me,” Harry reminded before pulling his arm from around Louis’ shoulders. 

Louis immediately felt guilt in his stomach, and he bit down on his lip as they walked towards Louis’ lecture hall. Harry wasn’t talking, he was in front of Louis with his back turned, still walking until they made it there. He felt like shit, honestly. He completely forgot that it was harder for Harry to make friends, and Louis was a theatre major so he had a bunch. Well, they were acquaintances, and he liked to talk to them. In reality, Zayn and Liam were his only close friends, but Harry didn’t know him like that and Louis had to remind himself of that. 

When they finally stopped walking, Harry still wasn’t facing Louis, obviously annoyed at him. Louis groaned, tapping his shoulder. “Darling,” Louis called softly, and Harry shrugged his hand off. Louis felt a pang of anger, but he pushed it away. “Bub, c’mon, I’m sorry,” he sighed. The apology wasn’t completely empty, he was sorry for being a dick about Harry wanting to talk to Zayn. “Harold, baby-“ Louis cut himself off before reaching for Harry, belt loop, pulling him close. A yelp left Harry’s lips as he fell backward against Louis, and Louis caught him with his hands on his waist.

“Lou-“

“I’m sorry, Styles,” Louis said sincerely against his shoulder, hoping Harry could hear him with his hushed voice. 

Harry paused for a second, staying silent. Louis had his hands resting on Harry’s hips gently, and Harry didn’t say anything as he turned around in Louis’ arms. Louis looked up at him with a smirk, and Harry glared at him before leaning down and kissing his head, starting to murmur something against it. 

“What?” Louis furrowed his eyebrows, not hearing anything Harry said.

“I said if I don’t pass my maths class at the end of all of this, I will have your head.”

Louis scoffed at him. “Do you seriously doubt my maths skills that much, Curly?” his voice was hushed, hands still holding Harry’s hips, for obvious reasons. They were in public, those were the reasons. Not because he liked them there, or anything.

Harry thought for a moment and clicked his tongue. “I doubt your everything skills, Louis.”

“You’re my boyfriend, be nicer to me,” Louis scolded him playfully.

“Fake b-”

Louis glared at him sharply, cutting the words right off of his tongue. Harry’s jaw snapped shut, and he sucked in his cheek, his eyes flickering to the floor. 

“‘m sorry,” Harry mumbled.

He didn’t have to explain. Louis knew he was saying sorry for being rude _and_ for almost blowing their cover. Louis didn’t say anything, just gently stroked his hips. Harry tensed up, obviously a bit uncomfy at the unfamiliar feeling. Louis pulled his hands away hesitatingly, and Harry’s head snapped up immediately.

Before he could even say anything, Louis heard a higher-pitched, girly voice calling his name. Louis’ eyes widened in shock, the voice sending chills down his spine. It’d been awhile since he’d spoken to her, and even though he saw her every week in this class, she never spoke. He hadn’t heard her voice in ages. 

_Eleanor._

Louis didn’t say anything back to her, nerves filling his entire body. His throat suddenly felt extremely closed up and tight, and he felt like he was being closed up into a box, his breathing labored now because of how fast his heart was beating. She made him so fucking _nervous_ . He didn’t have anxiety, no, but he assumed this was how anxiety _felt_. Feeling a pit in your tummy and your hands shaking, whole body feeling hot all of a sudden. 

Louis turned his head slightly to see her, and she looked just as beautiful as always, but with a colder look. Her eyes were icy, piercing into his face, and he bit down on his lip a bit, feeling intimidated. He clenched his hand, digging his fingernails into his palm, making half-moon shapes into his hand. He needed to hold on to something, but he didn’t know what.

Harry grabbed his hand. 

Oh. He forgot about Harry for a second. Eleanor really did make everything around him disappear.

Louis felt a soft thumb stroking his hand, and he felt his heart slowly relaxing at the feeling of Harry’s soft skin. His aura was pretty calming. Harry could make anybody feel calm by just breathing.

Eleanor looked between the two with a raised eyebrow. “Since when were you guys together? Thought you hated each other,” she clicked her tongue with a bit of a snicker, looking down at her nails. Louis felt a pang of anger, hating how she was acting so indifferent towards him. _Bitch_ , he thought.

“Well-“

Harry cut Louis off with a hand on his chest, giving him a look saying _I got this_ . Louis went to ask him _what?_ and shove him off, but Harry just went to speak anyways, seemingly going to defend Louis. “We don’t anymore, and honestly if you have a problem I don’t really care,” Harry said, his voice shockingly steady. Louis’ eyebrows knitted together, looking at him in surprise. Harry was usually very nervous talking to people. Louis was shocked, but also happy. Harry was sticking up for him. It made him smile.

“Louis you’re not even g-“

“And you’re not his girlfriend,” Harry cut her off with a glare. Louis stared at him, his jaw dropped. Harry had _never_ been this bold. Louis was wondering what got into him. “You shouldn’t care.”

Eleanor scoffed, her arms coming to rest across her chest with her hip cocked out. “And you know him much better?” 

Harry shrugged, a smirk playing on his lips suddenly. “I guess I do since I sleep with him, but that’s also none of your business.”

Silence fell between the three of them, and Louis felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight of Eleanor’s jaw dropping so far down it looked like it was going to touch the ground. Louis did _not_ expect that from Harry at all. Harry just was _not_ the confrontational _shut the fuck up_ type of person. He was more like _say what you want but I’ll be nice back_ type of person. He always was. All treat people with kindness, or whatever. Louis could see Harry immediately regretting the words that fell from his lips, his hand tightening around Louis’ again, growing cold and his fingernails digging into Louis’ hand. 

People started to walk into the lecture hall, and Harry just looked at Louis. Louis could see the regret and guilt on his face, and he felt his heart sink. “Baby,” Louis pouted a bit, the word naturally falling from his lips as he reached up and stroked Harry’s face. “You’re okay. Thank you for sticking up for me, honey-“

“Are you kidding me?” Eleanor rolled her eyes, but Louis ignored her, pushing himself up on his toes to kiss Harry softly on the tip of his little nose. Harry whined, but Louis could see his dimple poking deeply in his cheek. Harry’s face was warm and his skin was soft and he smelled like chocolate. He smelled good, Louis thought.

“Um- I,” Harry coughed a bit. “I’ll see you, um, later, y-yeah? I have class at twelve, so-“

“Go back to the dorms and rest, darling. I’ll see you later,” Louis smiled at him, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Eleanor roll her eyes and walk into the lecture hall. He smirked a bit, pulling away from Harry. There were still people around, so Harry looked at him funny, seemingly wondering why he didn’t give him a kiss. 

“No kiss first, _boo bear_?” Harry mockingly said, his voice still shaking with the anxiety he had from being mean to Eleanor.

Louis just rolled his eyes and pushed himself up on his toes again, pressing a soft kiss against the corner of his mouth. He felt his tummy flutter a bit, but he pushed that away and he smiled at Harry.

“Seriously,” he cleared his throat a bit. “Go rest, you need it.”

Both of them knew that he was being serious when he said it. Louis pulled his hand away from Harry and he waved at him, smiling a little as he stepped into the hall, going to sit somewhere relatively close to the middle because his eyes sucked.

Eleanor was mad, Harry told somebody off for the first time, and Louis was satisfied, to say the least.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Harry told Louis not to pick him up from work, said Niall was gonna pick him up from the bakery and drive him back to the dorms. Louis didn’t have a problem with that, it just meant he didn’t have to pretend to love Harry in public, which was great. 

They had plans that night to hang out with Zayn, Liam, and their girlfriends at Liam’s girlfriend’s apartment, and Harry wanted to see Niall that day. Louis didn’t want to invade on that, so he simply decided to wait for him at the dorm. 

It was around 5:30, so Harry would be back soon. He didn’t have a long shift that day, he asked to leave early that day. Louis flopped down on his bed, pulling his legs up and pulling his phone out of his pocket, smiling a bit as he went to text Zayn. He thought back, thinking about everything that happened this morning.

It was shocking that Louis wasn’t upset, honestly. He was upset at first, and he was genuinely trying to convince himself that he was upset that she was there and acting like that. He _wanted_ to feel upset. Wanted to be upset that she cared. 

But somehow, the only thing that bothered him was Harry getting anxious after he confronted her.

Needless to say, that’s what confused him the most. Obviously, he and Harry had to spend a lot of time together because of their little thing going on. Harry still hated him; he hated him a lot, actually. Harry refused to touch him for longer than he needed to and he didn’t even want to talk to him for longer than he needed to. He argued with Louis all the time over stupid shit and he glared at him like he was the sun burning his eyes, but somehow Louis couldn’t find it in him to hate how bitter Harry was towards him. It made him happy, almost. It was their dynamic, he guessed. Hating each other. He probably shouldn’t be okay with that, but he was.

Hating Harry was just so easy - well, acting like he hated Harry was easy. Harry honestly believed everyone hated him, so all it took was a glare in his direction to make Harry believe he disliked him. 

Louis hated how mean he was sometimes.

He sighed, rolling over onto his tummy and resting his chin on the bed as he opened his text group with Liam and Zayn.

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_what time should haz and i be there_

**_Message from Zack_ **

_disgusting he’s got a nickname now_

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_fuck you_

**_Message from Zack_ **

_when? do u have a condom_

**_Message from Lima_ **

_...both of you are in relationships please do not have sex in my christian group chat_

**_Message from Zack_ **

_sir i’m muslim_

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_liam you don’t even care about religion_

_my toenail is more religious than you are_

**_Message from Zack_ **

_KAHDKADHKSJDD LOUIS SHUT UP_

**_Message from Lima_ **

_louis as respectfully as possible i hope you burn your dick with hot water in the shower_

_or die_

_both actually_

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_jokes on u that’s happened more than once_

_and i wanna die anyways so that’s not a good threat daddy xoxo_

**_Message from Lima_ **

_i told you to stop calling me daddy_

**_Message from Zack_ **

_and i told you to stop treating us like ur kids but you do it anyways so shut the fuck up_

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_why not sideways_

**_Message from Zack_ **

_why not sideways what_

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_like_

_why not shut the fuck sideways_

_why is it up_

**_Message from Lima_ **

_louis_

_stop smoking so much weed and go take a fucking shower_

_be here at 6:45_

_and bring chips_

**_Message to The Powerpuff Girls_ **

_fuck you_

_okay_

_love u both_

_xoxo_

Louis found himself grinning way too hard, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he giggled softly at the stupidity in the group chat. He was so distracted he didn’t even notice Harry coming into the dorm. He was honestly too busy giggling to even hear the door open.

“What time should we be leaving?” Harry questioned, making Louis almost jump out of his skin at the deep voice behind him. Harry’s voice was scary as shit, especially when it was unexpected. 

“Jesus fuck, Styles,” Louis breathed out, hand on his chest to feel his own heart beating out of his chest. “Warn me before you come in the room,” he muttered, glaring at the tall boy. He sniffed a bit, smelling sugar and bread, and he bit his lip to suppress a laugh. “You fucking smell like bread, bro,” Louis giggled slightly, and Harry gave him a deadpan expression, flipping him off.

Louis smiled at him sarcastically, flipping him off as well before rolling back onto his tummy and laying his head down on the bed. “So what time are we leaving?” Harry asked again, more irritated this time.

“Li wants us there at 6:45, and he wants us to pick up some snacks and drinks so I guess we should leave at 6-“

“6? Fuck,” Harry groaned. “Did you already shower, then?”

“Um,” Louis sucked his cheeks in, looking away from him.

“Tomlinson!” Harry groaned. “You had the entire time I was at work to shower and you didn’t? I take 50 years to shower, you know this-“

“Let’s shower together,” Louis suggested, sarcasm and snark dripping his tone. “Save water.”

Harry took a deep breath, biting his fist to suppress his anger. “I will step on you.”

Louis smirked. “I’m only joking, Styles, don’t shit yourself,” Louis laughed. “Just take a shorter shower-“

“I smell like bread.”

Louis took in a sharp breath. Harry was infuriating. “Take a shorter shower and cover yourself in cologne-“

“I have to shave my face.”

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose, flipping over onto his back and pushing himself up with his elbows. “You can shave while I’m showering.”

Harry immediately grimaced at the thought of that. “Disgusting,” he shuddered, and Louis sighed dramatically and flopped back down. “I don’t want to see you naked. Gross,”

“You’re honestly so annoying and I want to punch you,”

Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes as he reached to open his wardrobe, grabbing a pair of baggy blue jeans and a crewneck out of it. Louis watched him, not saying anything. “Hit me,” Harry said after a while, not even glancing at Louis.

“Huh?” Louis questioned, his entire face scrunching up.

Harry turned his head towards him with a glare. “Hit me, I dare you,” he repeated, adding in the last part. Louis looked at him, both of his eyebrows raised. Sure, he and Harry didn’t get along, but he would never hit somebody. _Never_. But Louis knew Harry was just trying to spite him, trying to get him to do something. Somehow, it made his tummy feel all twisty and warm.

“Just,” he breathed out, trying to piece his words together. Harry just made him so.. _ugh_. “Just go take a quick shower, we’ll be a bit late, ‘s fine.” Louis muttered, rubbing his forehead. Harry frustrated him, pissed him off, made him want to hit a wall, but he also made him all flustered and blushy.

And Louis hated that more than anything because he couldn’t tell if it was him just being shy or him liking… _boys_ . He still liked Eleanor, yeah, but he didn’t know if _maybe_ just _maybe_ he could like a boy. He was straight, so maybe it was just a heat of the moment thing.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“No, Styles, we are not getting salt and vinegar chips-“

“But they're m’favorite!” Harry whined in response, reaching towards the shelf in the grocery store, trying to grab the salt and vinegar chips off of the shelf. Louis rolled his eyes. Salt and vinegar was _gross_ , Louis has always hated that flavor. He was more of a BBQ flavor kind of guy, but Harry was very insistent on getting his stupid fucking salt and vinegar chips. 

“And I don’t care,” Louis said with a smile, grabbing the BBQ chips and putting them in the cart. Harry just narrowed his eyes, shoving the chips and putting them in the cart as well. “What? Styles-“

“I want my salt and vinegar.”

“Salt and vinegar is gross,” Louis looked up at him, leaning his elbows on the shopping cart. 

“You’re gross, but you don’t see me saying anything.”

“You literally tell me every second of the day that I’m gross, Styles.”

“And I didn’t lie,” Harry smiled. “You know what else I didn’t lie about?” Harry continued, going to push Louis away from the cart so he could push it himself. Louis stumbled backward, but he didn’t say anything, just walked next to Harry with his jaw set. “The fact that salt and vinegar is the best flavor so shut the fuck up and let me get salt and vinegar because I have to kiss you in front of your friends and I don’t want to do that,”

Louis scuffed his feet as they stood in place, looking over the cans of La Croix and sodas. He felt bad that he was basically using Harry, and he kinda felt like a dick for it too. He was using a gay boy for his own straight boy benefit, and holy shit yeah wording that in his head made him feel even more like shit. 

The least he could do was let the boy get his stupid salt and vinegar chips.

Twenty minutes, a few bags of chips, and 3 boxes of cans of soda later, the pair were piling back into Louis’ car in complete silence. It was really cold, Louis hated the cold more than he hated most things in life - and he hated a lot of things. The cold nipped at his face, and he rubbed his hands together, blowing into them.

“That doesn’t actually make you warmer, you know,” Harry scoffed, shutting the passenger door of the car. “Maybe if you turned the heat higher-“

“Stop telling me what to do,” Louis snapped, head snapping to look at Harry, whose eyes were wide at his tone of voice. He breathed a bit, trying to relax and calm himself down. He really needed to learn how to breathe and not yell at people. “Sorry,” he grumbled out softly, and Harry just shrugged in response. 

“Whatever.”

Louis felt guilty. Sometimes he forgot that Harry reacted badly when people yelled at him. He needed to work on reminding himself of that.

But he didn’t say anything, just stuck the key in the ignition and started driving towards Liam’s house. 

He pulled out of the parking lot, turning up the speaker in his car. Immediately, his phone connected to bluetooth, and he sighed a bit, resting one arm on the elbow rest and the other on the wheel.

_If I don’t have you with me, I’m alone_

_You know I never know which way to go_

Harry was still angry, his head resting against the window and looking outside. His leg was bouncing up and down though, Louis could see every time he glanced over at him to check if he was alright. He hummed along to the song, his tongue darting out every now and then to wet his lips.

Harry cleared his throat after a few moments, his head lifting up off of the window. Louis hummed, assuming he was going to start speaking. 

“I’m quite shocked that your music taste isn’t as shitty as your personality,” he mumbled, his nimble fingers fiddling with one another. Louis felt himself smirk a bit. Nice to know that Harry liked his music. “But,” he continued. Louis perked up a bit, glancing at him, the moonlight shining over Harry’s face and lighting up his features. Louis smiled.

“Are you sure you’re straight? This is the neighbourhood. Nobody who likes the neighbourhood is straight.”

Louis sighed loudly, letting out a wry laugh and tilting his head back a bit.

“Wouldn't you like to know, Harold?” 

A groan escaped Harry’s lips when he rested his head back against the window. “We aren’t on a first name basis, Tomlinson. Don’t call me Harold,” Harry rolled his eyes. Louis bit down on his lip.

 _Wouldn’t he like to know?_ Honestly, Louis would like to know too.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Louis had Harry attached to him like a fucking octopus, his hand wrapped around his own tightly and firmly. Harry was way too nervous to go to Liam’s girlfriend’s house, apparently not used to being around so many people at once. Louis felt sympathetic, his hand grasping Harry’s just as tight. Harry’s hand was really warm in his own cold one, a nice contrast to the cold air outside. It made him warm all the way to the tips of his toes.

“We can still go back, you know?” Louis softly said, his fist hovering over the door before he knocked.

“Just knock on the door, for god’s sake,” Harry muttered, and Louis rolled his eyes. 

“‘m just trying to help,” Louis muttered harshly, bringing his fist up to rap at the door. “You’re fucking difficult.”

“I’m an aquarius.”

Louis scoffed. Horoscopes were fucking dumb. “That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Just admit that you’re stubborn and obnoxious,” Louis laughed wryly.

“I am not stubborn,” Harry mumbled, and Louis rolled his eyes, going to make a comment about how annoying he was being before the door swung open, cutting the words off of his tongue.

“Tommo!” Liam greeted as soon as the door swung open. Louis beamed when the door opened, tearing his face away from Harry and also pulling his hand out of Harry’s death grip. Harry genuinely forgot how strong he was sometimes, his hands were like giant yeti paws grasping his own tiny one. It _hurt_.

“Payno,” Louis greeted, leaning in to wrap his arms around him and pat his back roughly as a greeting. Louis smirked, hearing Liam cough in response and shove him off. 

“Literally fuck you, why do you have to hit me?” Liam questioned, brushing himself off before straightening his back and fixing his face to smile at Harry. “Harry, right? Nice to meet you, I’m Liam, Louis’ hot friend-“

“That’s Zayn.” Louis cut him off with a raised eyebrow. The cold air was making him shiver, and he pushed past Liam to go inside. 

“Smart friend?”

“That’s Maya.”

“Best friend?” Liam questioned, walking in, holding the door open for a quiet Harry who thanked him silently before immediately rushing up to Louis’ side and attaching himself to his arm like an octopus. Louis bit the inside of his cheek to hold his words in as he put his hand on top of Harry’s. 

“Still Zayn,” Louis replied.

“Um, husband?”

“Harry,” Louis said without a beat, a smirk growing on his face as heat made its way up the back of his neck. “You’re my mother, Li, just accept it.”

Harry’s face was bright red at the statement, and Liam just laughed, tilting his head back. “Whatever,” he scoffed. “It’s nice to meet you, Harry.” Liam nodded at Harry, and Harry gave him a shy smile. 

“T-thanks,” Harry breathed out, biting on his lip. Harry scanned the room, and Louis moved his hand to put it on Harry’s lower back. Harry stiffened at the touch, and Louis moved his hand up further on his back, trying not to make him uncomfortable by touching him in places that made him uncomfortable. 

Standing on his toes, Louis whispered in Harry’s ear. “Zayn’s in the kitchen, if you wanna talk to him. I know you guys got on well this morning,” he chuckled softly in his ear, and Harry shivered with Louis’ hot breath on his ear. He didn’t see Maya and Gigi in the room, meaning they were probably in Maya’s room getting ready or something. Louis was sure Harry would get along with them, so he wasn’t worried. 

“Mkay,” Harry replied, leaning down to kiss Louis on the forehead, making his whole face heat up. “I’ll be back,” he breathed out, going to make his way to the kitchen. Louis didn’t say anything back to him, just stood there in the middle of the room and waited until he heard Harry and Zayn laughing in the kitchen to let his breath out. He wanted to make sure he was comfortable before he left him completely alone. 

Once he did, he turned around to see Liam standing there with his arms crossed and a raised eyebrow. Louis groaned internally, having the itching feeling that Liam was going to question him or something. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Louis glared at Liam, who had a smirk playing on his lips before he reached up to fix his own hair. Louis shifted under his stare, his weight moving onto his left foot and his arms coming to rest in front of his chest.

All Liam did was shake his head and smile at the ground. “You’re weird with him,” he stated simply, walking away from Louis and going to sit on the couch in the living room. Louis’ face scrunched up in confusion, and he rushed behind Liam to sit next to him, wanting to understand what the _hell_ he was talking about. 

Annoyingly, Louis sat down plastered against Liam’s side, resting his chin against his shoulder to annoy him. Liam whined, trying to shove him off. “No,” Louis smiled. “What do you mean by weird? I’m not weird with him, he’s my boyfriend, I can-“

“You just,” Liam took a deep breath, shoving Louis off of him, making Louis fall against the couch with a thud. Louis flipped over onto his back, pushing his feet into Liam’s lap, and Liam’s arms naturally came to rest on top of his shins. “You’re gentle with him. You never did that with El.”

Louis froze in his place, his breath catching in his throat. Of _course,_ he was gentle with Harry. Harry had severe anxiety and everything scares him and now that he knew that he wanted to make sure he was okay since they were going to be spending more time together. His face started heating up again, and his tummy was feeling all funny again. He brought his hand to his stomach to try and rub the feeling away, and Liam looked at him funny.

“Lou, I didn’t mean anything bad by it,” Liam chuckled in confusion. “I just meant that, like, he seems like he makes you happy and you seem like you really love-“

“Too early for the L word.”

“-Like, then,” Liam corrected with an eye roll. Louis scoffed at him in irritation. “You seem like you really like him.” 

Louis blushed again, looking away. “I-I do?”

Liam looked at him weirdly again, a little giggle slipping from his mouth. “Are you not sure?”

“No no no,” Louis quickly corrected him, pushing himself up quickly on his elbows. He felt his chest tighten up as he jumped to defend himself. “I’m sure that I really like him, just wasn’t sure if.. like… it seemed like I did,” he explained, mentally slapping himself for how god damn idiotic he sounded. 

What further proved the fact that he was acting weird was the look Liam gave him afterward, but Liam just let out a breath and looked away from Louis. “You’re weird-“

“Hey, guys, wanna watch a movie or something?” Louis turned around at the sound of Maya’s voice, and he grinned at her.

“Hey dude,” Louis greeted, reaching up to fist bump her with a grin. Maya was the sweetest girl he’d ever met, and Louis was honestly glad Liam chose her instead of some other horrible person. Maya smiled at him, bumping her fist against his before Gigi followed behind her, putting her hand on top of Louis' fist.

“Gi?” Louis looked at her and she hummed. “That’s not how fist bumping works.”

“I’m aware,” she scoffed. “I wanted to annoy you,” she smirked, walking over to the other couch and laying down, Maya following and sitting on the other side of the couch, lifting Gigi’s legs to rest on top of her lap. Louis smiled at them. Their friendship honestly made Louis’ heart so warm. 

The four of them sat talking for a while before Zayn stuck his head inside of the living room with a smile. “You guys wanna watch a movie or something? Harry’s never seen corpse bride-“

“How have you never seen corpse bride?!” Maya gasped, sitting up straight with wide eyes. Louis was shocked too, because what the fuck? Who hasn’t seen corpse bride, that’s a classic. But he couldn’t be audibly shocked because Harry was supposed to be his boyfriend, so he was supposed to be shocked. 

“I-“ Harry’s breath hitched a bit, and Louis watched carefully as Zayn leaned in to say something to him, visibly making Harry calm down. He couldn’t tell what he was saying, but he felt his stomach burning with this weird feeling that he didn’t like.

“‘s okay, love, we don’t bite,” Maya grinned. “I’m Maya, this is Gigi, and it’s a pleasure to meet you. But if we’re going to be friends,” she paused looking at Harry, who’s body seemed tense. “You have to watch corpse bride, so come and sit down,” she giggled, patting the spot next to her. “Unless you wanna sit next to Lou-“

“I’ll come sit there,” Harry cut her off with a shy smile, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t mind. I’ll come there,” He breathed out, and Louis’ eyes lit up at the sight of Harry socializing with people. Harry was shy, obviously, very anxious. He couldn’t help but feel kind of.. proud? He felt proud of him. Yeah.

Harry made himself comfy, bringing his legs up onto the couch, and Gigi waved at him with a grin. Almost immediately, Gigi started up a conversation about Harry’s rings (because he wore way too fucking many and Louis hated it), and Louis couldn’t help but smile softly, his eyes softening at the sight of Harry loosening up a little bit. 

And he didn’t know why, but it made his chest feel all weird and fluttery. His heart felt like it was contracting and it honestly felt like he was on fire just from looking at the boy, smiling and laughing. When Harry threw his head back because of something Maya said, Louis’ stomach did a flip flop, and he had to remind himself to chill the fuck out because _no._

Now honestly, he was thinking that this was a platonic crush. He wanted to sit next to him, hear his ugly laugh, watch a movie with him and talk the entire time, and swap embarrassing childhood stories with him. Somehow, he just wanted to be next to Harry and talk to him. Be his _friend_. 

But the hardest thing was that Harry really hated him like _really fucking hated him_. If there was one thing he wanted to do, it was gain the boy’s trust. Make him happy. Make him feel comfortable enough to talk to him without wanting to wring his neck. 

Zayn grabbed the remote and put the movie on, settling on the couch next to Liam. He weaseled his way under Liam’s arm, resting his head against Liam’s thigh that Louis’ feet weren’t on. Zayn grimaced, looking up at Louis quickly.

“Your feet stink.”

“Your face stinks,” Louis retorted, and he heard Harry cackle from across the room. 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Harry giggled. Louis felt his cheeks heat up, and he smiled back at Harry.

“Baby, your face doesn’t make any sense.”

Harry pouted dramatically at him, and Louis rolled his eyes. 

“Wipe the pout off your face, you’re dramatic,” he scoffed. Harry’s jaw dropped in mock surprise, and Maya gasped dramatically and wrapped an arm around Harry.

“I’m dramatic?!” Harry guffawed, and Louis could tell that it was genuine. It made his cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. “You _literally_ argued with me about salt and vinegar chips being gross like two hours ago, fuck off with the _Harry you’re dramatic_ ,” he rolled his eyes in mock annoyance, but he gave Louis a little smirk.

“You’re all talking over the movie,” Liam groaned, tossing a pillow to hit Harry, and Harry laughed even harder, seemingly feeling less anxious. 

Harry let a few stray giggles leave his lips before he rested his elbow on the armrest of the couch and turned his head to look at the TV. Louis felt himself smile a bit, his eyes falling over Harry’s little smile and curly hair. His dimples were poking out even with the closed lipped smile he was sporting, and his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks every time he blinked.

Louis shook his head, swallowing thickly. He turned his head back to the TV, a bit of a weird feeling filling his tummy again. He wanted it gone. He didn’t like the way looking at Harry made his stomach all swirly and warm. 

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“‘m not sleepy,” Harry slurred as he stepped into their dorm room. The entire way up, Louis was bugging him about going to bed early since he was falling asleep the entire ride home. It was quite cute, actually, watching his head drop and his eyes droop. Louis pushed him into the bathroom before they got into the dorm, making him floss and brush. Shockingly, Harry complied. He supposed that Harry was too tired to argue, and Louis just brushed his teeth next to Harry. 

“You’re slurring like you’ve drunk too much vodka, Styles,” Louis sighed, nudging Harry with his socked foot. Harry whined, walking towards his bed and stripping his jeans off. Louis licked his lips, watching the jeans peel off of his legs. Harry’s legs were long and slender, and they looked so, so soft. 

Louis bit his lip, walking closer to Harry with a little bit of a smile. “Lay down, just go to sleep. Okay?” he suggested, feeling his heart squeeze in his chest.

Harry hummed, crawling under his covers and pushing his face against the pillows. “Why’re being s’nice t’me?” Harry’s words were all jumbled up together, and Louis just breathed out with a laugh.

“Just felt like I should be nicer to you..” he admitted with a grin.

Harry didn’t say anything, just allowed his eyes to slip shut slowly. Louis sat down at the side of the bed, his head facing his wall as the two sat/laid in silence.

A few quiet moments passed before Harry spoke up. “I don’t like you very much.”

Louis just laughed, clasping his hands together and looking down with a little smile. Of course, Harry had to reiterate that he didn’t like him, that was so _Harry_. 

“I know you don’t like me, Curly.”

Harry whined, shifting a little bit. Louis looked up, his eyes meeting the curly boy’s cheek. “Don’call me curly,” he mumbled quietly, his voice getting quieter, and Louis assumed Harry was slowly slipping into unconsciousness.

“Mhm,” Louis rolled his eyes, a feeling spreading through his chest. “Sweet dreams, curly.”

Not even a minute passed before Harry was softly breathing against the pillow, no snores. Harry didn’t snore. Louis knew that. Harry always complained about Louis snoring, though. 

Louis felt his heart rabbiting in his chest at the sound of his breathing, and he bit down on his lip to suppress the smile growing on his lips. He shook his head, getting up off of the bed and stripping himself down to his boxers. He crawled underneath his covers, yawning quietly as he shut his eyes.

The last thought on his mind before he drifted into sleep was the sound of Harry’s laugh bellowing through Maya’s living room, and Harry’s adorable sniffling during the duration of corpse bride. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy i know this was a bit of a mess and a really long chapter. i hope you all enjoyed! leave feedback! ilysm


	5. something there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright,” Louis sighed. “Then get up, you fuck, I’m gonna feed you and then I’m gonna teach you how to skate.” 
> 
> “Wh- Skate?!” Harry exclaimed, his face contorting to one of confusion. “I’m a clutz, Louis, I can’t skate-“
> 
> “You need to not be so stressed and uptight,” Louis looked at him, crossing his arms with a raised eyebrow. “You need to loosen up, cmon. You’re too stressed, let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all!!  
> some things about this chapter:
> 
> 1\. i know harry is not gay, but he is in this story! keep in mind that this is a work of fiction and i am in no way labeling harry’s sexuality. 
> 
> 2\. there are mentions of verbal abuse in this chapter. 
> 
> 3\. i tried to write a dissociation episode from my POV because i get dissociated a lot as i have ptsd and bad anxiety. however, i also can’t feel anything when i’m dissociated so it’s hard to describe because i don’t remember my episodes very well.
> 
> alright, happy reading babes!!
> 
> leave feedback :)
> 
> song of the ch: Safe and Sound by Capital Cities
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)

The end of November was quickly approaching, which also meant finals season was quickly approaching, and Harry was fucking _drowning_ in his work. There was honestly not a second in the day that he had to just breathe, and when he did he had to go see Louis or pick him up from class or work to make this whole shit seem _believable_ or whatever. It’s not that this whole thing annoyed him - well, it did - but he just really wished that he could take a break from the whole pretending thing because it was becoming exhausting. 

Exhausting in ways that he didn’t necessarily know how to describe. It wasn’t that he hated it or whatever, it was entertaining him, but the stress having to keep up with school plus the anxiety of being with somebody well known around campus was really getting to him. He wasn’t used to people coming up to him and talking to him, but since Louis was extremely popular because of the theatre program, people always came up to Harry asking about Louis. And honestly, that frustrated him too. For once he wanted to be known for himself and not for something else. And Louis - god, _Louis_.

Louis was a whole different story. 

Harry came into this university two years ago and absolutely despised Louis from the second that he met him. Louis was a huge dickhead, an asshole, an arrogant bitch, you name it. He was every bad adjective in the book. Louis was a dick and took any opportunity to be rude to Harry. He would insult him, purposely smoke in the room - ugh, the smoking was the worst - he would belt loudly when Harry was studying. Louis was the worst fucking roommate anybody could ever ask for. Harry just wanted to wring his neck or punch him in the face or _something_. 

But lately it’s been different. _Way_ different. Of course Harry was still really snippy with Louis, Harry was always snippy with Louis because, hello, he hated him. Well, hate was a strong word. He _strongly_ disliked Louis. With a burning and fiery passion, a passion hotter than hell. He seriously wanted to ram Louis’ head into a wall sometimes, _god_ , Louis was so fucking annoying. But lately Louis had been.. nicer? Kind, almost, to Harry. Well, Louis’ definition of kind was very different from Harry’s. Harry was a kind person, and Louis was just a blunt dickhead, so for Louis to bring him strawberry popsicles and sit with him while he had a dissociation episode? That was out of character. 

Harry sucked in his cheeks, tapping his pen against his textbook, his eyes going in and out of focus. Louis was at one of his rehearsals. Their little production of _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ was going to be going on during the last week of the semester. Louis babbled on and on about his theatre group quite often and how much he loved everybody there. He always told Harry how included he felt and how they made him feel at home. Harry smiled when Louis told him that. Harry had never felt that safe with anybody. It was harder for him, having grown up in a broken home with severe anxiety. Home was a weird concept for him. 

That was another thing. Louis had started to talk to him more and more. Not about anything in particular, but if they were walking together to class or walking each other to work, he’d just be _nice_. Harry of course tried to be nice back, but sometimes a snarky remark would

make its way through his lips. 

_“Literally why the fuck do you know the entire bee movie script, it’s fucking terrible. Almost as terrible as your personality-“_

_Louis laughed, cutting him off. “Do you have to insult me with every little thing you say?” Louis questioned, his hand beginning to swing to make their intertwined ones move back and forth in the space between them. Harry felt his heart clench in his chest a bit, and he bit his lip to suppress his smile._

_“Yeah, I hate you, so,” Harry shrugged, and Louis scoffed._

_“You do not hate me, Harold. I gave you your strawberry popsicle yesterday-“_

_“I was dissociating, you’re not supposed to be a dick when I’m dissociating.”_

_Louis scoffed playfully, pulling his hand away from Harry’s to pull his pack of cigarettes and his lighter out of his pocket. Harry rolled his eyes, groaning dramatically._

_“Do you have to smoke?”_

_Louis shrugged, placing the cigarette between his lips and lighting it up quickly before taking an inhale and blowing it out. “‘s a coping mechanism, so I guess so,” he replied bluntly._

_“I’m not kissing you goodbye,” Harry grimaced, going to cover up his mouth with his sleeve. “You need better coping mechanisms. You’re ruining your lungs and I have asthma, so if we’re gonna be kissing until mid December, I suggest you stop smoking for awhile-“_

_“Doesn’t work like that. I tried before.”_

_Harry scrunched up his nose, thinking for a second. “You could always eat a lollipop when you feel like it.”_

_Louis shrugged, taking another puff of his cigarette. “Can it be blue raspberry?” he questioned, and Harry groaned loudly before letting out a laugh._

_“Strawberry is the better flavor.”_

_“Blue raspberry.”_

_“Strawberry.”_

_“Your taste buds are broken.”_

_Harry laughed, tossing his head back, his chest squeezing at the sound of Louis giggling with him before throwing the cigarette down and stepping on it. Harry looked down and realized it wasn’t even half done, and he furrowed his eyebrows._

_“You’re not gonna finish?”_

_Louis shrugged. “You don’t like it, so I’ll stop until we fake break up,” he paused for a second. “I’ll try to stop. Withdrawal is a bitch, but maybe some lollipops will help, if you wanna pick some up?” Louis winked at him, and Harry rolled his eyes, but his dimples totally gave him away._

_They walked in silence for a few moments before Louis took hold of Harry’s hand again. Harry’s hands were sweaty and gross, but Louis didn’t seem to mind. “We don’t seem to be like Tom and Jerry today. We’re getting along,” Louis pointed out, and Harry scoffed._

_“‘m being nice because it makes this less tortuous for me,” he rolled his eyes. “But,” he paused, Louis looking up at him. “I suppose you aren't horrible to speak to. A bit annoying ‘sall.”_

_Louis rolled his eyes, bumping Harry with his elbow. “You’re annoying.”_

_“You’re annoying.”_

_“You can’t repeat what I just said it defeats the purpose of my sentence.”_

_“Shut the fuck up before I push you.”_

_Louis didn’t say anything, just laughed and fondly bumped his shoulder with Harry’s again._

Harry scrunched his nose with a bit of a smile, not quite understanding what Louis had been playing at lately. It was strange to have Louis be _kind_ for once. He shook his head, shoving his nose back into his book, tracing it with his pen and taking some more notes. He mumbled under his breath, rubbing at his temples to relieve some of the pressure on his head. He’d been studying non stop for the past 2, maybe 3 days? Blowing off Niall and Luke’s movie nights kind of sucked, but he really needed to pass his finals. He’d been doing horrible this semester, and he felt really disappointed in himself. 

But his head was starting to feel fuzzy and his eyes were starting to space out, and he groaned, his head falling forward on the desk. He let out a little whimper, blinking a few times. “C’mon, just three more chapters..” he mumbled to himself, lifting his head, but he could feel his brain starting to unfocus. 

His anxiety had been through the roof lately, not seeing his best friend and not having any sleep. He really had nobody to talk to, and he didn’t want to talk to Louis about how he was feeling, so he buried himself in work, which in turn made him more anxious because he was scared about not passing any of his finals, _especially_ his psych final.

Harry blinked slowly, his eyes on the page but not focusing on anything in particular, and he felt like his head was starting to swim. _Dissociation,_ he thought. Harry let his head fall forward into the desk, and he turned a bit so his cheek was laying against the cold paper of his textbook. 

He hummed a bit, not wanting to get up from his spot because he felt too fuzzy to move. He didn’t know how long he was sitting there before he heard noises, which he could kind of register as Louis’ voice. He couldn’t even make out anything he was saying, but he lifted his head and blinked at him a little bit.

“Styles. Harry!” Louis snapped, and Harry just looked at him, giving him a weak smile.

“Hi.”

“Why didn't you come to get-“ Louis paused for a second, dropping his bag and moving carefully towards Harry. Harry could see him, but he could barely make anything out as Louis came closer to him and kneeled in front of him. Harry looked down at Louis, a blank expression on his face. Louis looked at him, his eyebrows furrowing worriedly. “You okay there, curly?”

“m’brain’s all fuzzy,” Harry murmured, his words falling into each other and barely making sense. He looked down at Louis’ who had his face all scrunched together.

“Have you eaten for the day yet? Or have you just been sitting here since you walked me this morning? I know you didn’t have classes today, and…” Harry’s hearing unfocused again, and he just stared at Louis blankly, but teeth digging into his bottom lip. “Curly? Do you want to squeeze my hand? Will it help ground you? Or,” Louis paused to take a breath, pushing himself off the ground and reaching his hands out and making grabby hands at Harry. Harry furrowed his eyebrows at him, feeling confused. He still wasn’t sure why Louis was being so kind to him. It made him feel funny. Weird. Warm.

“What?” Harry looked up at him, his green eyes glassy and tired. 

“Come, we’re gonna get you in bed and give you a popsicle and then you can cuddle your bear,” Louis smiled at him, taking Harry’s hands and helping him off of the chair. Harry groaned a bit, Louis’ cold hands touching his own and making him focus a little bit more.

“You’re being nice,” Harry mumbled, holding onto Louis’ hands and getting up off of the chair with his help. “And ‘m not a baby, you don’t have to take care of me,” Harry murmured, but allowed Louis to guide him towards the bed anyways and help him get underneath the covers. Harry felt his tummy fluttering slightly as he crawled underneath the covers. Louis smirked a bit, pulling the covers up to his chest.

“Not a baby?”

Harry narrowed his eyes at him, then licked his lips. “I hope you die.” 

Louis just smirked again at him. “If I died you wouldn’t have anyone to bring you popsicles when you’re having a dissociative episode,” he rolled his eyes and walked over to their mini fridge/freezer, pulling a strawberry popsicle out of the box. Harry watched him, watching how urgently he came back to him. Harry reached out, making grabby hands towards Louis to get the popsicle from him. “Lemme open it,” Louis laughed, ripping open the plastic with his teeth and slowly peeling it down before taking the popsicle out by the stick and putting it near Harry’s mouth.

Harry laughed at him, shoving his hand away before grabbing the popsicle with his own hand, ignoring the weird feeling in his chest. “I can feed myself, fuckhead,” Harry mumbled quietly, sticking the strawberry popsicle in his mouth, the cold feeling calming him down a bit. He hummed around it, not looking at Louis, but Louis stayed sitting at the side of his bed. “You’re being nice again,” Harry started, and Louis hummed softly under his breath. “I don’t like it. Yell at me or something, you being nice makes me feel weird.”

Louis cackled, his head throwing back and placing his hand on his stomach. A smile tugged on the corners of Harry’s mouth, but he just clamped his lips harder around the popsicle to suppress it, swallowing a bit. The sweetness and the cold was helping him a little bit, he needed to be grounded and the feeling of the popsicle helped a lot. 

“It makes this a lot less horrible, Curly,” Louis explained, still letting giggles escape from his lips and Harry just looked at him, watching the way his blue eyes sparkled a bit. 

Harry pulled the popsicle out of his mouth, licking his lips to wipe away the stickiness. “We aren't even on a first name basis, don’t call me curly,” he scolded, narrowing his eyes at Louis. 

An annoyed groan left Louis’ lips, but Harry could tell he wasn’t actually annoyed, so he laughed a bit. “When can I call you curly, then?” He questioned playfully, rolling his eyes and reaching to the edge of Harry’s bed, grabbing his bear and placing it in his lap. Harry watched Louis’ small fingers fumbling with the bear’s little bow, and he bit his lip slightly.

He shoved the popsicle back in his mouth quickly, nibbling off of it with his back teeth because his front teeth were sensitive. “When you’re on level three boyfriend. We started fake dating like, what, two weeks ago? God, that’s like saying I love you on the first date. You move too fast, don’t rush me,” Harry joked, his dimple making a crater in his cheek, and Louis looked up at him, grinning with him.

Harry’s head was still swimming a little bit, but he was able to have a proper conversation. He felt like talking to Louis was helping him a little, calming him down. He dissociated when he felt anxious, meaning he felt scared or worried about _something_. He couldn’t exactly tell what that something was, but Louis was honestly distracting him and it was helping so much. 

He almost felt okay.

The bed dipped a bit when Louis leaned over, taking the popsicle stick out of Harry’s hand and placing it over on Harry’s bedside table. Harry felt small all of a sudden, but not in a bad way, he just felt.. small. He usually hated when people took care of him, he felt guilty thinking about somebody worrying about him. But this felt okay, for some reason.

But he still didn’t like Louis. 

Louis reached over, placing the bear next to Harry, and Harry glanced down at it, then back up at Louis, who was looking at him with a soft look on his face. Harry could see the lines on his face, the wrinkles on his forehead, the bags under his eyes, his facial hair growing in, and he had the sudden realization that Louis was actually a very pretty boy. He smiled at him slightly, then he looked away with his cheeks flushed all red. 

“Take a nap, it might help,” Louis said in a hushed voice, bringing Harry’s blanket up to his chin. Harry groaned, shaking his head.

“Gotta study-“

“You’re not well,” Louis cut him off with a stern look. “Lay down and go to sleep before I knock you out.”

Harry yawned slightly, his head feeling less fuzzy than before as he laid down, clutching his bear to his chest. “If you knock me out can it be permanently?”

Louis scoffed, standing up after he tucked the blanket around Harry. “Yeah, then I won’t have to look at you anymore. Maybe I’ll suffer less,” he chuckled, and Harry giggled too, his eyes fluttering, curls falling in his face as he looked up at Louis, who was stretching a little, his sweater riding up his tummy and Harry caught a glimpse of his belly button and smiled a bit. 

His eyes followed Louis as he walked to the other side of the room, and Harry made a small noise of protest, his heart feeling weird and all sinky after Louis got up and walked away. Louis lifted his head, looking at him. “You okay?” he questioned, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Um,” Harry coughed slightly, looking away. “Can-can you um,” he stuttered, rubbing his eyes slightly. His ears were burning bright red in embarrassment at the thought that he actually wanted _Louis_ to come and sit next to him until he fell asleep. Louis’ presence just made him feel safe. For once he didn’t feel anger towards him. 

“Spit it out, Jesus-“

“Can you stay next to me until I fall asleep?” Harry quickly questioned, his words all jumbled up so Louis could hear him but he wouldn’t be able to properly understand.

However, he did. He did, and Harry wanted to slap himself in the face because _fuck off_ , _no_. Louis got up off of his bed and walked over, kneeling at the side of the bed. Harry’s face was bright red, but Louis didn’t even smirk at him, he just smiled.

“Want me to just sit here? I’ll just sit here, if it helps your anxiety-“

“Yeah, please,” Harry swallowed. “Just sit there, that’s okay,” he said softly, his voice getting quieter at the end of his sentence. He didn’t even know _why_ he was asking Louis to stay, why he even _wanted_ him to stay, but he did. _Stay, stay, stay_ he thought to himself.

And Louis did.

He came and he sat against the bed, his back against the side of the dorm bed that was kind of high off of the ground, so his head barely reached the top of the mattress, but Harry could touch his hair if he wanted to. Harry hummed, feeling a sense of comfort as his and Louis’ breathing tangled together in the room, a silent sound that made everything feel serene. 

“Can you talk to me until I fall asleep?” Harry questioned quietly, his eyes shutting slowly. He didn’t even feel very fuzzy anymore, just kind of tired now. He still wasn’t fully there, though. 

There was a breathy chuckle, and Harry felt Louis' head hit the side of the mattress. “What d’you want to hear? A bedtime story? What are you, 5?” Louis joked, and Harry reached out and smacked the top of his head with a scowl.

“Just talk, dickhead,” Harry grunted, snuggling against the pillows, his smile still plastered across his face somehow. 

“About anything?”

Harry shrugged; yawning a bit. “Tell me about your siblings.”

Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You actually want to hear me talk?” He asked dryly. “You hate hearing me speak usually, what’s gotten into you?”

Harry felt his face burning up bright red and he turned it a bit, digging it into the pillow to hide his embarrassment. His heart squeezed in his chest as he scrambled for a reply, his breath wavering a bit. “Maybe if I think about how much I hate you then I’ll have something else to think about other than my anxiety and what’s making me dissociate,” Harry rolled his eyes, slapping Louis’ head again playfully.

“Stop hitting me,” Louis scolded, and Harry didn’t reply, just allowed his eyes to flutter shut slowly. He breathed slowly, trying to get his chest to stop fluttering as Louis took in a deep breath and started talking. “There was this one time that Lottie wanted me to cut her bangs for her, and I really don’t know why she trusted me with a pair of scissors near her head, but..”

Louis talked and talked, going on about his siblings and how much he loved them, funny stories that would make Harry breathe out a laugh with a small smile as his body felt heavier and heavier. Something about Louis just talking to him made him feel… _Safe_. It made him feel comforted, which was weird because Louis always made him feel scared. But all of a sudden there was something there that wasn’t there before. 

And Harry had a hard time with trust. He was really shocked that Louis suddenly went from telling him absolutely nothing, to telling him everything whenever he picked him up somewhere. Louis loved talking, Harry noticed. That was way different than Harry. Harry was quiet and he liked to observe. He only really talked a lot with Niall, otherwise he was shy and quiet and didn’t really tell anybody anything. He even had a hard time telling Niall things sometimes.

Louis’ voice was scratchy and hushed, and Harry felt his eyes getting heavier as he began to drift into sleep with Louis’ voice lulling him into a safe dream like state. The last thing he could remember before he finally fell asleep was a cold hand stroking his hair away from his face, and Louis’ voice mumbling “sleep well, curly.”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The room was colder than before when Harry woke up from his nap, and he realized he’d slept super weird because his bear ended up on the floor, but his blanket was still up on the bed. One of his feet felt cold, and he whined when he realized he took one of his socks off in his sleep.

Harry was a weird sleeper.

He kicked his leg out a bit, stretching out his body and hearing all of his bones crack at the same time satisfyingly. He hummed, turning over onto his tummy before hearing a disgusted groan from the other side of the bed. He didn’t even lift his head, just groaned back.

“Fuck’s wrong with you, asshole?”

Louis guffawed, and Harry giggled at the sound of his laugh. “We’re not on a first name basis so you call me asshole, dickhead, and fuckhead instead of at least _Tomlinson_?” 

Harry yawned, sitting up slowly and rubbing his eye with his fist. “Mhm,” he hummed, smiling lazily. “You’re all of those things, so I refuse to be nice,” he said through a stretch. 

“Whatever,” Louis scoffed, and Harry turned his head towards him to see that he had a little smile on his face as he looked down at his nintendo switch. Harry swung his legs off of the side of the bed, reaching down to grab his bear and toss it back on the bed and grabbing the one sock he tore off in his sleep strangely. “You talk in your sleep, curly,” Louis said with a smile in his voice. 

Harry’s eyes widened, and he stared at Louis with his jaw dropped. “What?” He questioned. “I haven’t talked in my sleep since I was in high school-“

“You talk in your sleep,” Louis laughed. “I never noticed because I usually go to sleep before you, but it was funny. And you were talking about kissing Ross Lynch,” he snorted, and Harry brought his hand up to his face with an annoyed sound.

“Shut the fuck up, Tomlinson-“

“No, I’m gonna hold this over your head forever,” Louis laughed even harder, trying to talk between his breathless giggles.. “You were all like _kiss me Ross_ , I’m assuming he said no because then you were like _why don’t you love me_ -“ 

“Stop!” Harry whined, his face turning bright red in embarrassment. “Stop making fun of me for my celebrity crush-“ 

“Maybe when your celebrity crush isn’t Austin Moon, I’ll stop teasing you about it,” Louis cackled, falling backwards on his bed and dropping his switch onto his lap. 

Harry had never felt more embarrassed in his fucking life. He seriously hadn’t sleep talked since he was around 16 years old, he thought he grew out of it. But maybe it was just that he hadn’t been sleeping well since then, because he was _super_ knocked out when he took that nap.

“Louis,” Harry whined, and Louis gasped dramatically.

“My first name? What is it, my birthday? I am so shocked!” Louis giggled, sitting up on his knees and looking at Harry who’s head was buried in his hands, curls falling forward. Louis stopped laughing after a few minutes, and Harry was still hiding his face in embarrassment because _no what the fuck_.

“Okay, okay,” Louis sighed, a small giggle escaping his lips as he slid off the bed. “I’ll stop laughing at you, curly, I’ll stop, pinky promise.”

When Harry pulled his hands away from his eyes, Louis was standing in front of him with his pinky stuck out at him. Harry looked down at him, a pout on his lips.

“You still laughed at me, fuckhead,” Harry muttered. Louis rolled his eyes, looking up at him sincerely.

“I pinky promise I won’t laugh anymore.”

Harry pursed his lips, trying his hardest to not smile at him. _Stop_ , he thought to himself. He bit his lip, raising his hand up and linking it with Louis’. “If you break this promise I’m breaking your skateboard,” Harry glared at him, and Louis pointed at Harry.

“You break my board and I will throw you into a fire.”

“You can’t pick me up,” Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes. Louis went to argue, but Harry just put his hand up to his face so he snapped his jaw shut. “Hush. I need to go do more work and I don’t want to hear your voice while I’m doing it.” 

“Harry,” Louis sighed, watching Harry walk over to his desk. “You barely slept for two hours and you never get a break, please-“

“You’re not going to convince me to not do work,” Harry sang as he sat down on his chair and opened his textbook up. “I’m gonna do it anyways.”

His textbook was slammed shut by a small hand, and Harry looked up with furrowed eyebrows. “Dick! What was that for?!” Harry snapped.

“You need to eat something and do something enjoyable so you don’t explode from stress and anxiety, Harry,” Louis said sternly, and Harry looked up at him with narrow eyes and irritation in his body.

“I’ll be fine, oh my god, I need to study-“

“You need to take care of yourself,” Louis argued, and Harry went to talk, but Louis looked at him again with two raised eyebrows. “No.” Harry sank into his seat with a sigh, groaning. Why did Louis care about him so much? He just wanted to study and work on his school work and be left alone, but _no_. 

Harry groaned, throwing his head back. “Why do you even care?” he questioned genuinely, no anger clear in his voice. “You’re supposed to hate me.”

Louis scoffed at that, shaking his head. “Can you just-“ he sighed, his hands in front of his face as he tried to piece his words together. “I’m doing this because I want to be nice to you and make this whole fake dating shit less horrible for you because I know how much you hate this,” he explained, but it still left sort of a bad taste in Harry’s mouth.

“I don’t like that you’re nice to me, yell at me or something, it feels more natural,” Harry muttered, turning his head back down to the textbook and opening it again. But as quickly as he opened it, Louis shut it again.

“Alright,” Louis sighed. “Then get up, you fuck, I’m gonna feed you and then I’m gonna teach you how to skate.” 

“Wh- Skate?!” Harry exclaimed, his face contorting to one of confusion. “I’m a clutz, Louis, I can’t skate-“

“You need to not be so stressed and uptight,” Louis looked at him, crossing his arms with a raised eyebrow. “You need to loosen up, cmon. You’re too stressed, let’s go.”

Harry went to speak, but nothing came out. He felt a bit guilty knowing that Louis was a bit worried. He didn’t like when people worried about him. Harry’s arms wrapped around his stomach, and he looked down at his lap. Harry scrunched up his nose, blinking a few times.

“Can I wear knee pads?”

Louis guffawed, his hand on his tummy, and Harry looked up to see him cackling. “Harry, no-“

“But what if I fall on my knee and cut my knee I get cut and bruised easily,” Harry mumbled, looking up at Louis, who sighed tiredly.

“You are exhausting.”

Harry giggled, sitting up in his chair properly. “I know I am.”

Louis just rolled his eyes, walking over to his bed and kneeling down, reaching underneath it. Harry’s head tilted to the side slightly as he watched Louis dig around underneath his bed, searching for his skateboard. His teeth sunk into his bottom lip to suppress his smile. 

Skateboarding was something he’d never tried, he mainly stuck to roller skating and bike riding. He liked playing it safe. Clumsy was Harry’s middle name, honestly. So he didn’t know how this was going to go, but Louis seemed pretty adamant on teaching him how to skate, and somehow he didn’t want to let him down. Since the first time he saw Louis cry, it broke his heart to see him sad again. That was something he probably shouldn’t care about since they weren’t really _friends_ or anything. Harry just didn’t like seeing people upset.

“Aha,” Louis exclaimed, pulling the board out from under the bed and pushing himself up to his feet. Louis looked at Harry with bright eyes and a wide smile, and Harry felt his heart stop for a second. 

The blue in his eyes seemed brighter than they had been in a few weeks, and Harry could have sworn he saw them sparkling. Harry blinked slowly at him, a lazy smile spreading on his face as Louis began to go on a tangent about his skateboard, where he got it, when, why he picked it, the first time he skated on it. Just a whirlwind of _Louis, Louis, Louis._ His scratchy voice and breathy laughter between words just left Harry astonished at how pretty he was, and how he never really noticed that either. Louis’ smile was beaming and it felt like a ray of sunshine had just come over him. 

He hated that so much.

Harry blinked long and hard, looking down quickly to shake himself out of the trance he was in. Harry cleared his throat, looking back at Louis with a raised eyebrow. “You done rambling?” he rolled his eyes playfully, trying to mask his little smile. 

He was met with a middle finger and a scoff, but Harry could practically feel Louis’ grin in the room. “Oh, fuck off. You don’t talk enough, I have to talk enough for both of us or else we’ll both be bored.”

“I’m already bored. You’re boring,” Harry mumbled under his breath, getting up off of his chair. He turned to walk towards the door, and he heard Louis giggling behind him.

“‘s why you were staring at me, I guess,” Louis smirked, and Harry’s eyes widened as he stopped in his tracks, mid tying his sneakers. He blinked slowly, gulping as he tried to scramble up a lie quickly.

He took a deep breath, deciding to flip him off without another word, continuing to tie his sneakers. 

“Oooh,” Louis laughed, bending over to tie his own sneakers. Harry could feel Louis’ taunting coming up, and he mentally prepared himself for what was about to come. “So he has nothing to say, hm,” Louis dug his finger into Harry’s side, making Harry squawk and swat his hand away roughly before standing up.

“Louis! I’m ticklish!” Harry whined, looking down at him with a sharp scowl. “And don’t touch me, I don’t like you.”

Harry watched Louis’ tongue dart out to wet his lips as the shorter boy stood up as well to face him. Harry looked down at him, noticing their height difference suddenly. Louis’ head would press right into his shoulder if they hugged. “You held my hand and asked me to talk to you until you fell asleep, are you sure you don’t like me?” he chuckled, and Harry’s cheeks turned red. 

“You’re obnoxious, of course I don’t like you,” Harry smiled, pulling his coat on before pulling the dorm door open. Harry stepped out, holding the door open for Louis to step out as well since he had his keys in one hand and the board in the other. “Where are we gonna eat?”

Louis shrugged. “Thought I’d take you to the diner and then we can walk to the park to skate?” he suggested, looking up at Harry. Harry glanced at the boy who was already looking up at him, his eyes lidded and soft. Harry felt his tummy knot up, and he couldn’t help but breathe out a little giggle. 

“Are we walking to the diner?” 

“Yes sir,” Louis nodded. “‘s not too cold outside, and I think it’ll help with your anxiety, if you’re still feeling anxious.” 

The thoughtfulness made his whole heart swell 3 sizes bigger. Harry didn’t say anything, just nodded, listening to the sound of their footsteps down the hall accompanied by their soft breathing. 

The comfort that Louis brought him was the weirdest thing ever, considering just a few weeks ago he couldn’t even stand to be in a room with Louis. Even though he said he didn’t like Louis, he genuinely could feel himself becoming friends with him. But what really shocked him is that he didn’t mind it at all. Not one bit. For the past few days, Louis was actually bringing him the comfort he needed with his long passionate rants and constant laughing. Hearing somebody go on long rants made him forget about the thoughts in his brain. He liked it.

And if anybody asked, Harry totally was not looking forward to eating a nice lunch with Louis and him teaching him how to skate.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Lunch was fun for Louis and Harry, if you count constant banter and insulting each other to be fun, then they had fun. It was fun in their opinion.

( _“Harry, christ, I’m paying. Literally get anything but chicken fingers, you aren’t 7-” “I’m picky, you asshole.” “I don’t give a fuck, get a burger or something.” “I don’t like beef!” “Beef doesn’t like you either.” “That was a shitty joke, Louis.” “Woah, he used my first name again. Let’s throw a party.” “I will choke you.)_

But they enjoyed their lunch, Harry eating his chicken tenders like a seven year old, Louis described, and Louis eating a burger “like a normal person” apparently. The cold nipped at Harry’s nose as they walked side by side, Louis clutching his board to his side as he went on about some musical he liked. He stayed silent, humming or commenting every now and then quietly. 

“You don’t talk much,” Louis pointed out. “You don’t talk unless you’re arguing with me. Why don’t you talk?”

Harry just shrugged. “I dunno,” he stated simply, not wanting to give too much away. 

Louis groaned over dramatically, throwing his head back. “You’re so vague,” he breathed out, his breath making clouds in the air. “I get it if you have trust issues, I have abandonment issues, if that helps.”

“You’re so open, though,” Harry tilted his head in confusion, smiling lightly. “You always talk to me without any problem. For somebody with abandonment issues, you talk so openly.” Harry wondered aloud, his heels grazing the floor slightly.

Chuckling, Louis looked straight ahead. “Abandonment issues are different from trust issues, first of all. I can say whatever I want because people don’t end up staying anyways, so why does it matter?” 

Harry felt a weird pang in his chest at Louis’ words. It hurt him that Louis genuinely believed that nobody was going to stay in his life. A piece of him felt kind of guilty as well because he was technically going to kind of be walking out at the end of all of this. 

“Don’t say that,” Harry sighed sadly, his lips pursing. “People can really surprise you. You shouldn’t expect people to leave, live in the moment. Be gay, do crime,” Harry shrugged. Louis let out a loud laugh in response turning his head to look at Harry. 

“I’d love to do crime, but I think my mum would murder me if I ever did anything illegal,” he joked, but Harry could tell he wasn’t really joking.

“You’re a mummy’s boy then?”

Louis’ face immediately lit up and he nodded wildly. “My mum’s my entire heart, I love her more than anything in this entire world.” _Ouch_ , Harry thought mentally. Not because of Louis, but because of his weird relationship with his own parents. Not that he didn’t love them, or anything, but they were always too preoccupied with their own problems to care enough about him.

“Curly, you never tell me anything about you. C’mon, tell me something, anything,” Louis grinned as they walked into the gate of the park, putting his board down and stepping on it to skate slowly next to Harry. Harry opened his mouth to speak, then immediately let out a breath, not knowing what exactly to say.

“Well,” Harry pursed his lips. “What do you wanna know?” he asked, watching Louis move his left foot down to the floor to push himself further. He didn’t know how to talk about himself, how the hell do you do _that_?

Louis shrugged, shoving his hands into his jean jacket pockets. “Tell me about your parents, or your sister, or Niall, I don’t know. I wanna hear a story,” he explained. “I know I’m not _level four boyfriend_ , or whatever that means, but I tell you all about myself.”

“How about,” Harry sniffled a bit because of the cold air that was making his nose run. “You teach me how to skate, and when I get the hang of it, I’ll tell you about my sister,” he bargained, looking at Louis. Louis put his foot down, stopping the board from moving. He looked at Harry for a second, his eyes sparkling as he stepped down from the board.

“Alright,” Louis grinned. Harry looked at his own feet in confusion, clumsily lifting one foot to step onto the board. “Be careful,” Louis warned and Harry felt his heart warm up. “Do you want to hold my shoulder?” There was worry in Louis’ voice that made Harry’s cheeks turn pink.

“Does that mean I have to touch you?” Harry joked, allowing Louis to step closer to him.

“Fuck off,” Louis laughed, moving his hands towards Harry’s torso. Harry’s stomach started fluttering almost immediately even though Louis wasn’t touching him, and a part of him had to remind himself that Louis was a fucking straight boy. “Is it alright if I hold your waist?” Louis questioned in a hushed voice. 

Nervously and hesitantly, Harry nodded, bringing his hands up to rest on Louis’ shoulders, and lifting his other foot on the board, to which Louis reacted with a groan.

“Keep one foot on the floor, nincompoop,” Louis huffed, and Harry guffawed, his head falling backwards. Harry stumbled off of the board, a gasp leaving his lips as he tripped over his other foot, and Louis reached to grab him by the waist to steady him. Harry was still laughing, though, loud and obnoxious as Louis held his waist with both hands and helped him stand back up.

And then Louis was laughing too, bellowing through the park and they were getting dirty looks from onlookers as they laughed, hands clutching their tummies and their faces hurting from the cold and their smiles. 

“Who even,” Harry gasped through his laughter, lifting his head. “Who says nincompoop?” he let stray giggles escape his lips as he looked at Louis through his crinkled eyes. Louis was still giggling with his bottom lip tucked in between his teeth. 

“I do!” Louis exclaimed, throwing his hands up. His eyes were bright, the blue seemingly getting brighter with his smile growing. “Now put your stupid yeti foot on the board and hold my shoulders, big idiot.”

“Gee, thanks, Louis,” Harry muttered, but his dimple gave him away as he stepped onto the board and reached his hands out to grab onto Louis’ shoulders. Harry noticed immediately how his entire hand wrapped easily around Louis’ small shoulders. Louis was frail, but he had nice biceps, Harry thought. He wasn't skinny skinny, but he had a tiny frame. No wonder he was always cold. 

“Put your left foot on the floor, yeti boy,” Louis instructed, and Harry rolled his eyes at the name.

“At least I’m taller than 5’9, fuckhead,” he grumbled, watching Louis move from his side to behind him while keeping his hands on his waist. Louis’ grip on his waist was firm and strong and he was standing right behind the board, holding Harry upright. Harry’s whole body felt like it was on fire at that point, a weird contrast to the cold, late November air. While the grip was firm, it was also gentle and careful, almost like Louis was trying really hard not to hurt him.

“Harry,” Louis took a deep breath. “I could push you right now and you’d get a bloody nose from the concrete. Watch your mouth before I do so.”

Harry giggled lightly. “Sorry,” he said softly, putting his left foot on the ground, but not moving it. He waited for Louis to tell him what to do so he didn’t fall and break a bone.

“Okay, so you’re gonna push off with your left foot, yeah? But don’t push too fast because this is your first time, do it gently. Then bring your foot up onto the board. I’ll be behind you and I’ll hold you the whole time,” Louis explained calmly and Harry nodded, taking in a breath. 

“Promise?” Harry glanced behind himself to see Louis, who already had his eyes fixed on Harry. 

“Pinky promise,” Louis reassured, bringing up his left pinky to further prove his point. Harry smiled, reaching out his own to link it with Louis’ quickly before pulling his hand away and facing forward again. He was hoping that the cold air would cool his face down and make it less red, but it honestly wasn’t helping.

The board moved slowly when Harry pushed off with his left foot, and he felt himself wobbling a bit. “Uh-”

“I got you, Harry, you’re fine,” Louis reassured, making Harry giggle nervously. “Bring your foot onto the board and stand with your right foot forward, left sideways because that’s the foot you’ll use to steer-”

“Steer?!”

“Steer!” Louis repeated, laughing lightly. 

Somehow with Louis’ talking, he felt less nervous than before about skating because Louis was reassuring him that he was right there with him. 

It felt okay.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The pair spent around 2 and a half hours at the park, laughing and skating (Harry fell about three billion times and Louis wouldn’t stop making fun of him for it). ( _“Stop laughing, Lou! My knee hurts.” “Aww, yeti boy has clumsy limbs.” “I’ll drag you down with me, asshole.”_ )

They honestly didn’t notice how dark it was getting until they noticed the street lights coming on, illuminating the park. There was less chatter everywhere as people had started to head home and the cold air was starting to make their teeth chatter loudly because the wind started to pick up.

“You sucked so bad at that,” Louis laughed as they walked out of the park gate and he bumped Harry’s shoulder playfully, glancing up at him. 

Yellow street lights lit up Louis’ face, carving out his smile lines and the crinkles by his eyes. His smile was still shining brightly, though. In all of his time hating Louis, Harry never noticed how bright his smile was and how perfectly his teeth sat. _Pretty_ , he thought.

“Oh, fuck you,” Harry muttered, a tired smile evident in his voice. “It was my first time. I did pretty okay for the first time. I think I can skate on my own next time,” he smiled proudly, sticking his nose up in the air.

“If you wanna break a limb, sure,” Louis scoffed. “Also,” he started, and Harry hummed. “You still have to fulfill your end of the bargain.”

Harry scrunched up his face like a cartoon character. “What the fuck are you, 35? Who talks like that?” he knew what Louis was talking about, but he honestly wanted to stall.

“Shut up,” Louis whined petulantly. “Tell me about you, for god’s sake.”

Harry bit the inside of his cheek, repeating his question from earlier: “What do you want to know? There’s quite a lot.”

Humming softly, Louis looked at the ground. Harry looked too, watching the way their feet moved in sync as they walked.

“Can you tell me about your parents? I talk about mine a lot and I never even hear you call yours.”

As a reflex, Harry tensed up and took in a sharp breath, almost feeling like his windpipe was starting to close up at that question. The only person who really knew about his relationship with his parents was Niall, and he truly wanted to mend it, but there was _so much damage_ that had been done. Harry’s eyes began stinging, feeling hot, and his breathing was turning shallow and unsteady at the thought of having to explain it to somebody. 

But for some reason, he still wanted to tell Louis.

“Harry?” Louis softly questioned, worry dripping from the name that rolled off of his tongue. “Are you okay, mate? You don’t have to-”

“I wanna tell you,” Harry cut him off, his voice wobbly and his hands shaky and sweaty. “I do, I just,” he sighed softly, his hands flailing as he tried to piece together a coherent sentence. “It’s a lot, and I don’t know if you want to hear it, and I haven’t told anyone but Niall, and I don’t want you to think-”

“I won’t think of you any different. If it’ll make you feel better, my biological dad left. If this is a trauma story, I’m ready to hear it. I’ll listen. We can even sit on a bench or something, or wait until we’re at the dorms.”

Harry shook his head, trying to steady his breathing. “It’s fine, I can,” he paused. “I can do it. I need to open up eventually or else I’ll just never trust anyone again and that’ll get me nowhere,” he joked, but both of them knew he was being serious.

“Take your time, Harry.”

That was honestly all Harry needed to hear so that he could feel okay enough to tell Louis.

“I wanna start by saying that I don’t hate my mum, I’m just really hurt that she never stuck up for me. And I do call her, just not as often as I probably should,” Harry began, and Louis just silently nodded, their footsteps making quiet sounds as they walked. “My dad has always had anger issues, and from a young age he constantly yelled at my sister and I for the smallest of things,” he explained, thinking back to moments where he would talk too loud at the dinner table and his father would slam his hand down to make him stop.

“He was strict, really strict. He didn’t want me having friends, I wasn’t really allowed to go anywhere besides Niall’s house, and if I had any grade lower than an A I would be told that I wasn’t going to make it anywhere,” he swallowed the lump in his throat and clenched his fists, his fingernails making crescent shapes in his palms. “He was, um, really emotionally unavailable?” his voice got higher at the end like he was unsure of his words, and he brought his hand up to run it through his long curls. 

“You’re okay, Harry,” Louis comforted, his voice gentle.

“He, um, never really supported me with anything at all. I don’t wanna go too into detail about the things he said to me before I trigger a panic attack,” he added. “But, um, it was bad. I was really closed off, I barely spoke to Gemma, my sister, and I tried to spend as much time as possible with Niall.”

Louis hummed, and Harry could feel Louis’ eyes burning a hole into the side of his head from the way he was watching him.

“Then,” he breathed out a laugh. “I figured out I was gay when I was like, what? 15?” he bit on his lip. “And I was so god damn scared of what he had to say, but I needed to tell my parents because _I couldn’t live a lie_ ,” he looked up at the sky, eyes grazing the bright stars as he recalled the night he came out. The screaming, the crying, his mom not even _trying_ to help. “It was so bad, I’ll spare you the details-”

“You can tell me, Harry, I’ll listen,” Louis reassured, and Harry shook his head, letting out a sad chuckle.

“Not ready to tell you all that. This is like, a _Harry’s traumatic childhood_ crash course. This is what most people hear, including Luke and Michael.”

“That’s Niall’s roommate and his,” Louis paused. “Not his boyfriend, his like, I don’t know? Fuck buddy? Crush?” He laughed with furrowed eyebrows, and Harry loudly groaned.

“I don’t even know what they are anymore, honestly,” he smiled. “And I’m shocked you remembered that, I don’t even remember telling you that. Good listener,” he grinned, a blush on his face.

For once, his chest didn’t feel heavy when he talked about his family situation. It felt good, almost. Finally letting it out felt really good. Niall liked to chime in with comments and advice, but Louis just listened quietly and intently and Harry could tell he was taking in every word.

“To make a long story short,” he coughed. “Dad kicked me out for being gay, mum didn’t fight for me, Gemma hated my father but couldn’t do anything because he was paying her tuition,” he pursed his lips, the lump going away. “And I was just so confused and very, _very_ hurt. I thought I was wrong for being gay, I thought there was something wrong with me, my father told me I needed to go to church because I was sick.”

“Who’d you stay with?” Louis questioned cautiously.

“Oh, Niall of course. I came out to him and his parents before I came out to my own family. They were very accepting of me, fortunately. I packed a bag and Gemma drove me there and she hugged me and told me she’d love me no matter what, and to this day she is the most important person in my life. We don’t call often, but we text daily and I tell her everything,” he smiled as his beautiful sister popped into his head. She was always supportive of him no matter what, and it made him so happy.

“But my mum kept in touch and soon enough Niall and I got into the same uni, and now mum’s helping me pay my tuition even though I told her I could-”

“You work in a bakery, Harry, you need the help.”

“Oh fuck you,” Harry laughed loudly, looking up suddenly and realizing that they’d made it to the dorm building. “Jesus, how long did I talk for?” he questioned softly, breathing out as he pulled the door open, holding it for Louis, to which he responded to with a soft ‘thanks’ and a nod.

“Pretty long, but I didn’t mind. I like to listen,” he hummed, and Harry felt his entire body heating up from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. 

The pair made their way up to their dorm in silence, kicking off their shoes and shrugging off their coats, leaving everything by the door. They smelled of the cold air and their noses were runny, but they were both feeling content, and Harry wasn’t anxious anymore, which was the goal.

“Ugh,” Harry groaned, trying to run his hand through his hair. His fingers kept getting stuck in the long curls as his hair had just reached the top of his shoulders. The wind tousled his hair too much when they were skating and it got all tangled. “My fucking hair,” he whined as he tried tugging out one of the knots between his fingers.

Louis laughed softly, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t laugh, you fuck, my hair is tangled.”

“Lemme comb it,” Louis offered, and Harry looked at him confused and shy, ignoring the butterflies in his tummy. “I have sisters and I know how to braid, so gimme two hair ties and a comb and let me take the knots out and braid it so it doesn’t tangle even more.”

And Harry didn’t know how or why, but he agreed. That’s how he ended up on the floor with his head resting against Louis’ knees as he sat on Harry’s desk chair, gentle fingers grazing his scalp and making his whole body feel tingly and warm. Louis was extremely gentle with the comb, holding Harry’s head with one hand and taking the knots out with the other. Harry leaned up into his touch, his eyes fluttering shut when Louis parted his hair with his fingers and started braiding it.

“I wanted to comment on your story before, but I didn’t want to interrupt,” Louis breathed out, and Harry just hummed without another word, his head knocking against Louis’ knee. “I’m, um, I’m not gonna say sorry because that won’t help, but I want you to know that you’re incredibly strong for enduring all of that. And I will also try to be mindful of my anger as well, I apologize for that,” he breathily chuckled and Harry tiredly smiled.

“‘S fine, Lou.”

“Lou?” Louis laughed. “Are we on a nickname basis now, yeti boy?” Louis teased, and Harry giggled sleepily. It wasn’t too late, at most 8:00 p.m., but Harry was tired from his lack of sleep lately. 

“No, you still have to call me Styles because I don’t like you,” he joked, and Louis tugged at his hair lightly, making Harry whine and swat his leg.

“You just shared your childhood trauma with me, am I not on level 4 boyfriend yet?” Louis giggled, his fingernail scraping Harry’s scalp as he added hair to the braid.

“Level three,” Harry giggled even more, soft gasps in between. 

“For fucks sake, you infuriate me,” Louis sighed, but Harry could hear the smile in his voice.

“You’re still smiling, though.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re straight,” Harry pointed out, his heart kind of sinking at his own words, because holy shit Louis just…

Well, to put it simply, he was flirty as hell.

Louis paused, not saying anything for a few seconds. Harry raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t say anything either. “Whatever, prick,” Louis ended up mumbling after a few moments, and Harry sucked in his cheeks a bit.

“Thanks for listening to me,” Harry quickly changed the topic as there was now tension in the room that you could cut with a knife. “And for braiding my hair. Feels really nice.”

Louis hummed, tying off the second braid before smoothing out Harry’s hair gently and running his finger along the part of it, sending shivers up Harry’s spine.

Now, Harry knew he was really tired, meaning he really had no filter on his mouth and would say anything that came out, so he didn’t know why he continued talking, but he did.

“I like talking to you. You’re not as shitty of a person as I thought you were,” Harry said, turning around and sitting cross legged as he stared up at Louis who had a soft expression painted across his face and the gentlest of smiles accompanying it.

“I like talking to you as well, yeti boy,” Louis replied, reaching out both of his hands and making grabby hands at Harry. “Up, you should brush your teeth and head to bed. You look exhausted and I know most of the day was mentally tiring.”

“”M not tired, though,” Harry yawned. Louis gave him a knowing look, and Harry just tiredly flipped him off.

While laying in bed that night with the blankets tucked up to his neck, Harry buried his face into his bear to hide the smile that he was sporting because of Louis. It was strange how the two had gone from completely hating each other to spilling secrets and braiding hair, but hey, everything happens for a reason.

All Harry knew was that he was genuinely happy that he and Louis were getting along. And he would never say it out loud, but he was truly glad that he and Louis were friends now as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey babes! how did you like the chapter? i hope it was alright. i’m sorry for the random darkness haha.
> 
> BUT AWWW HARRY IS FALLING IN LOVE AND LOUIS IS SLOWLY REALIZING HE LIKES BOYS HEHEHEHEHEHE I LOVE
> 
> anyways bye i love u
> 
> leave feedback ;)
> 
> word count: 9,498
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	6. so pure, so electric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Niall’s family has a wedding, so they won’t be in England for Christmas, they’re going back to Ireland,” he explained. “I don’t wanna go home, for obvious reasons, and I feel guilty intruding on Niall, so I’m staying here.”
> 
> It was a plausible explanation, but it still left a bad taste in his mouth. The idea of Harry being alone on Christmas day made his heart sink into his stomach. Nobody should ever be alone on Christmas, that just shouldn’t be allowed.
> 
> A thought crossed Louis’ mind quickly, and he pursed his lips as he thought deeper about it, not really knowing if it was appropriate to ask. They were friends, of course, but Louis didn’t know if it would be a great idea.
> 
> “Harry,” Louis whispered, breath moving Harry’s hair around. Harry hummed, moving closer to Louis. He gulped nervously, not knowing how to phrase his sentence. He honestly just, wanted to just go for it. “Do you, um,” he paused. “Do you wanna come home with me for Christmas?” he questioned slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok the song of the chapter is called Falling in Love Pie and it's from Waitress (what's not inside) THAT SONG INSPIRED THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER AND IT'S SO SOFT AND FEELY AND I GOT BUTTERFLIES FUCK OFF IM IN LOVE WITH THEIR LOVE ITS 4 AM HELP ME
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)

Finals week was quite possibly the worst week in existence.

Well, maybe not for Louis, but for Harry. Which, in turn, made it really fucking annoying for Louis too because they were roommates and fake boyfriends, so whenever Louis picked Harry up from anywhere he was being _especially_ snippy and annoying. Harry was at work and Louis was at rehearsal for their small winter production, so he didn’t really _have_ to worry about Harry’s snippy attitude, but somehow he still found himself with a pit in his stomach because he was hoping that Harry wasn’t overworking himself. (Even though he knew he totally was, he couldn’t stop him.) Louis didn’t have too many finals, just one for his theatre class and one for his writing class. The writing one was just an essay, so when Harry wasn’t studying, he was helping Louis write his essay.

Writing was Harry’s strong suit, whereas Louis’ was math and acting. Harry’s grammar was top tier despite how many errors he made when he texted, but Louis didn’t mind that either, they were stupid and cute and dorky, just like Harry.

His eyes were trained on the floor in front of him, his back against the wall as everybody piled into the auditorium to begin their rehearsals. His eyes were a bit droopy, he and Harry stayed up late the night before watching some play that he had to study for his theatre final. Harry didn’t have to, but he was entertained and he also thought Louis’ bed was _way_ comfier than his own.

_“This play is stupid,” Harry giggled, his jaw dropping open as he yawned quietly, breath fanning Louis’ face due to the close proximity between the two. Louis’ tummy was doing flips when Harry moved his hand slightly and it brushed his own, a small smile growing on his lips._

_“Well,” Louis breathed out, reaching forward to pause the play on his laptop that was resting on his thigh. “You don’t have to be awake, curly, you can go to sleep. Nobody told you to watch this with me.” he chuckled, turning his head slightly to see Harry rubbing at his eyes with his fist. “You’re sleepy, yeti boy, go to sleep.”_

_But he didn’t, just shifted a bit closer to Louis and dropped his head onto his shoulder without a warning. For a second, Louis tensed up and Harry went to go lift his head up._

_“Shit, sorry, I should’ve asked first-”_

_Louis just shook his head, lifting his arm slightly and looking at Harry._

_“C’mere,” he murmured, giving Harry a smile. “If you fall asleep I’ll wake you up.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Positive.”_

_His arm wrapped around Harry’s shoulder gently, and Harry moved so that his head was tucked into the space between Louis’ shoulder and his jaw. Louis felt his whole body heating up, the smell of Harry’s pretty cinnamon-scented shampoo filling his nose, the curls tickling his neck, and the warm body against his own making him feel giddy and tingly and so, so soft inside._

_Within the next five minutes, Harry was knocked out against Louis’ shoulder, soft and steady breaths filling the space between them._

_Louis honestly didn’t have the heart to wake him up._

A stupid grin made it’s way onto Louis’ face, his eyes crinkling a bit as Harry’s dimpled smile popped into his mind. He wasn’t playing a huge character in the Grinch production, just a who, meaning he was just narrating and he had to wear a stupid elf costume and Harry had been calling him an elf ever since he saw what the costume looked like. Apparently dressing like an elf was “cute” according to Harry, which made Louis’ whole face burn bright red because of Harry calling him _cute_. 

Louis’ face scrunched up a bit. He wondered when everything became about Harry, Harry, Harry. If he was texting Zayn and Liam, it was always _hey, look at this meme Harry sent me,_ or if he was telling his friends at work a story, it was always _last night I was talking to Harry_ . It was like _everything_ revolved around him. He was beginning to question if he was even ever really in love with Eleanor because of the way he was feeling. It was weird. Louis had never felt attracted to men in his life. Well, he _thought_. He’d never really thought about being into guys, really, maybe they were cute, maybe they were handsome, but he’s only ever dated girls before and thought that was fine. 

But with Harry? Things were so different. Everything was _different_. It’d been so long since the world felt vibrant and warm, so long since he felt he was able to smile without being prompted to. Being around Harry was like a breath of fresh air. Being around him made his whole body feel like it was on fire, but in the best way possible. When he was around Harry, he didn’t have to think about any of his pain, he didn’t feel trapped in his own head. He could tell him anything, could blurt out something random and Harry’s melodic laugh would fill the space between them and make Louis’ heart swell so big he thought his chest would burst open. 

It was stupid and cute and so, so gentle, the way Louis felt about Harry. He found himself doodling hearts with Harry’s name all over his notebook, writing his initials on his hand, picking things up at the store that reminded him, _god._ He really could barely go one minute without Harry being on his mind.

“Louis, mate, are you okay?” Louis looked up at the call of his name to see his friend, Rachel, standing in front of him with furrowed eyebrows. “You zoned out, we’ve been trying to get your attention for like, 5 minutes now.”

His cheeks began blushing furiously and he nodded. “Yeah, what’s up?” he asked, trying to mask his embarrassment. 

“We wanted to know if you wanted to grab coffee with us after rehearsal,” she stated with a grin. “You can bring Harry too, if you’d like. We’d all love to meet this boy since he’s all you go on about,” she smirked at him, and he narrowed his eyes at her, his face turning an even deeper shade of red as another one of his theatre friends, Dylan, popped up behind her. 

“Yeah, mate, you never bring him around. We’re starting to think he’s not real,” he joked, and Louis scoffed in response, raising his hand to flip him off. 

“He’s _very real_ , thank you, why would I lie about having a boyfriend?” he rolled his eyes, the blatant lie rolling off his tongue so easily that he even shocked himself. Sometimes, he genuinely forgot that he and Harry _weren’t_ in a relationship. Being with Harry was just so easy nowadays that he fucking forgot. “Harry’s just really busy studying, and when he isn’t he’s sleeping or at work. Poor boy’s a psychology major with a minor in english, he’s always got some kind of test going on. But I’ll call him and ask him if it will make you all feel better,” he laughed lightly, and Dylan shrugged a bit.

“I honestly just wanna see what he’s like. We’ve never seen you this happy, you usually look like you hate the world and everything in it,” Dylan chuckled, and Louis looked down with a shy smile. 

“Yeah,” Rachel agreed, going to sit in the chair beside Louis. “He seems like he makes you really happy, mate. Personally, though,” she cleared her throat, looking at Louis. Louis lifted his head, looking at her with a raised eyebrow to prompt her to continue her words. “I’m happy you’re not with Eleanor anymore. She made you really sad and it worried all of us. I think Harry’s good for you, he makes you laugh.”

Louis couldn’t control his smile at that point, his teeth were shining through brightly and his stomach was doing flips. Louis opened his mouth to reply, but his phone buzzed in his pocket. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, reaching into his pocket and pulling it out to check the message.

**_From Curly:_ **

_lou_

_i just got called in to cover a shift at the bakery for some god forsaken reason_

_so we’re gonna have to go to niall’s late i guess, sorry /:_

Louis pursed his lips in disappointment, his chest dropping sadly as he looked up at Rachel quickly. “He literally just texted me and told me he got called in to cover a shift, so I’m not even gonna ask him to come. But we can still go, I just have to be leaving by 6 or so because we have plans with his friends,” Louis explained, feeling oddly domestic because of the words “we have plans”. It just felt so.. _coupley._

Rachel simply hummed, nodding in understanding. “He’s coming to the show though, right? Maybe he can come to our little cast Christmas party after? If he’s up to it,” she added. “I know you said he’s shy.”

“I’ll ask him later today,” Louis said with a little grin. He looked back down at his phone, going to type back a reply before rehearsals actually began.

**_To Curly:_ **

_that sucks, my cast mates asked if u wanted to get coffee with us ); another time, i suppose._

_when should i come get you_

_and are you okay?_

**_From Curly:_ **

_um i’m okay why?_

_just stressed i guess_

_and you don’t need to come get me_

_but i’ll bring you a cupcake_

**_To Curly:_ **

_but you’re stressed so i’m gonna come get you_

_and it’s cold so i’m not letting u walk back to the dorms because you’ll get sick_

_and you sound off that’s why i’m asking_

**_From Curly:_ **

_you’re being sweet );_

_stop call me ugly or something_

_yeah my anxiety is kinda bad right now but i’ll be fine_

_have fun at rehearsals_

_can't wait to see you on stage, elf boy ;)_

_k i gotta go walk to work_

_pick me up at 6 and then we can go straight to niall’s_

_see you then_

**_To Curly:_ **

_be safe and text me when you get there_

**_From Curly:_ **

_you be safe too_

_also you’re overprotective i’ll be fine_

_but i’ll text you anyways_

_okay i seriously gtg now bye lou_

At this point, the butterflies were going crazy in his tummy and he couldn’t control the blush making its way up the back of his neck and up to the tips of his ears. _God_ , what was Harry doing to him?

“Jesus, lover boy,” Dylan rolled his eyes, clapping Louis on the shoulder, causing him to jump and lift his head. His entire face was flushed bright red in embarrassment and shyness due to the _you be safe too_ message that Harry sent. “We’re about to start, you’ll see your boy later. Let’s go, up, up,” Dylan pushed him off of the chair, and Louis laughed lightly to mask the way that the words _your boy_ made his whole face light up. 

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It was nearing 6 p.m. when Louis decided to leave the coffee shop to go get Harry. Harry had texted him saying his shift was running late, but Louis wanted to be there early to pick him up because he knew it pissed off Harry’s co-workers when he flirted with him across the counter. Besides, he wanted to see that cute little blush across his face. Harry was stubborn and he liked to insult Louis and flip him off when he called him darling from across the counter, and that just brought him pure joy.

One hand was resting on the steering wheel and the other was on the armrest on his seat. He had a dopey smile painting his lips and a giddy feeling in his chest, his eyes focused on the road ahead of him. The sun was already set since it was winter, so it was dark out already, and he had this song that Harry liked playing on his car speaker.

_Made a situation overload_

_I’m restless, obsessed with your future_

_And all my worries, they don’t bother you_

_Collected, they render me useless,_

_But I carry on._

He had shown that song to Harry a few nights prior, they were taking a drive around town because Louis’ thoughts were spiraling and Harry’s anxiety was bad. They were being way too snippy with each other, and Louis honestly didn’t have the energy to fight with him, so he just grabbed his wrist and dragged him out to the car and turned on the radio. Since it was now December, people had their Christmas lights up, so they just watched them with _For Baltimore_ by All Time Low playing in the background. 

_“You look like that ugly reindeer over there,” Harry muttered, head resting against the window. Louis rolled his eyes, his hand resting over the gear shift._

_“Shut up, for god’s sake.”_

_“No,” Harry grunted, his arms crossing over his chest._

_Louis had felt so sad all day, his chest feeling heavy and his head feeling gray. He didn’t know what to do about it, but Harry bickering with him kind of made him smile, just a little._

_“You don’t like when I’m quiet, so I won’t shut up.”_

_Louis grinned slightly._

_“You look like that ugly snowman,” Louis commented, pointing at someone’s ugly snowman statue that was placed in front of their house. Harry’s eyes followed his finger, and spit flew out of his mouth from the unexpected laugh that fell._

_“That thing is god awful, Jesus Christ,” Harry guffawed, his head falling back against the seats and his hands coming up to clutch his stomach. “Oh my fucking god it’s so ugly, holy shit - wait, what if a child made that, now I feel bad!” Harry continued giggling anyway, despite his guilt for making fun of the “child”’s snowman._

_Louis couldn’t control the laugh that tumbled from his mouth after Harry’s statement about it being a kid’s snowman, and his laugh bellowed through the car, over the song that was playing._

_“I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to do any better, you clutz,” Louis scoffed. “You’d knock it over and it would be a mound of snow instead of a snowman, you yeti.”_

_Harry giggled, his head lulling to the side as he looked over at Louis. “I’m not that bad at making snowmen,” he pouted slightly. “There’s still some snow on the ground, so we could make one tomorrow if it doesn’t melt. I’ll show you how not awful I am at building snowmen.”_

_Louis glanced at him, biting his lip to suppress his smile. “You’ll knock it over.”_

_“Will not.”_

_“Will too.”_

_“Will not.”_

_“Will too.”_

The smile grew even wider when the memory popped into his brain, and he found himself even giggling at their petty little argument and the way that Harry made him feel better even when he felt like the world was devoid of color and life. Louis pulled into his usual parking space in front of the bakery, putting the car in park and pulling his keys out before stepping out of the car and zipping his coat up. Despite it only being the start of December, there was snow on the ground from the night before (it got really, really cold in England). The snow crunched under his shoes as he walked up to the door and pulled it open, the smell of sweets and bread hitting his face and warmth engulfing him. Louis’ eyes scanned the bakery quickly, seeing that there weren’t many people in the bakery, and he hummed. Louis made his way up to the front counter, tapping his fingers against it as he leaned over, trying to find Harry. He saw him adjusting one of the displays, and a soft smile made its way onto his lips.

Harry’s sleeves were pushed up to his elbows and his curls were pulled back in a clip on top of his head. Louis’ heart skipped a beat at how effortlessly beautiful he looked. He just wanted to grab him by the apron and kiss his little dimples.

“Hazza,” Louis sang tunefully, and immediately Louis could see Harry’s dimples poke into his cheeks. Harry got up from where he was kneeling on the ground and wiped his hands on his apron, walking toward the counter. Louis grinned, leaning down and resting his elbows on the counter, smiling up at Harry, who had both of his eyebrows raised in amusement. “I don’t know what’s sweeter, you, or the cupcakes,” Louis smirked at Harry, and Harry whined, a laugh rippling through slightly as he covered his face.

“Jesus, did you come here to be annoying or pick me up from work?” Harry groaned in faux annoyance, and his co-worker, Mary, walked past groaning jokingly as well.

“Louis,” Mary started, giving him a look. “Flirt with your boyfriend when he isn’t at work, please, you’re disturbing everyone here,” she joked, giving Louis a friendly smile. He’d been coming here for the past few weeks to pick up Harry, so he met all of Harry’s co-workers and gradually created a relationship with them as well. 

“Mary,” Louis began, standing up straight. “There’s nobody here, really, and I’ll flirt with my boyfriend whenever I want, right baby?” Louis questioned, arm stretching over the counter to gently run his hand down Harry’s bicep. Harry blushed furiously, his teeth sinking into his cheek, and Louis could see how worked up and shy he was getting. He loved it.

Mary fake gagged at them, and Louis laughed, sticking up his middle finger at her as she walked toward the kitchen and disappeared through the doors. Louis turned his head back to Harry who was wiping the counters with a cloth, and he grinned at him. “I had coffee,” Louis giggled, and Harry raised his eyebrows at him again.

“I can tell,” he chuckled, tucking his cloth back into the pocket of his apron. “You’re more annoying than you usually are, which is saying something. But somehow, I don’t want to punch you in the face this time.”

“Well,” Louis chuckled. “You’re even more annoying than I am, yeti boy, but you don’t see me saying anything,” he said mockingly, smirking at him.

Harry rolled his eyes. “Fuckhead.”

“Yeti boy.”

Harry narrowed his eyes at him. “Fuckhead,” he repeated, and Louis laughed, placing his hand on his tummy as he threw his head back. 

“I’m quite excited to meet Niall today. He’s always really funny over the phone and I can’t wait to bully you with him,” Louis smirked, and Harry grumpily flipped him off.

“Of course you-” Harry began, but he was cut off by the bell on the front door ringing. Both of their heads whipped around quickly to see who was coming in the door, and Louis’ eyes widened in astonishment at who he was seeing. His lips were parted slightly and his eyebrows knitted together, watching the person walk closer and closer to them.

It’d almost been an entire month since they had broken up. Louis hadn’t been this close to her since the day that Harry decided to tell her off in front of their lecture hall. She started sitting on the other side of the room from him, so he hasn’t seen her up close in ages. Louis expected to feel sad, anxious, upset at the sight of her, but at that moment, he didn’t really feel anything as he looked at her. She just looked like any other person, any other girl, nothing special or amazing about her. 

Eleanor walked right up to the counter, her eyes meeting Louis’. She looked at him coldly, her icy stare sending chills down Louis’ spine. He could see Harry shrinking into himself slightly, and he tore his eyes away from Eleanor to look at Harry. 

“Louis,” she began, a mocking smile on her face. He could see out of the corner of his eye, but he didn’t take his eyes off of Harry, wanting to make sure he was alright. “I didn’t know you came to this bakery.”

“I came to get Harry,” he cleared his throat, turning his head to face her again. “It’s too cold, didn’t want him to walk back to the dorms.”

She hummed, raising both of her eyebrows. Louis could see Harry shifting uncomfortably behind the counter. “If you’re not gonna order then, can you move?” she huffed, shoving him slightly, and Louis suddenly felt extremely annoyed by her presence. He didn’t say anything, just stepped aside for her to step in front of Harry, and he watched with narrow eyes to make sure Eleanor was being nice to Harry because if she made him cry, somebody was going to die and it wasn’t going to be him. 

When she finished and Harry gave her the cookies she ordered, she turned towards Louis, giving him a bit of a look. “Thank you,” she mumbled to Harry before turning around on her feet swiftly and making her way out of the door.

Harry huffed, going to walk around to where the little door was to step out from behind the display. He pulled off his apron and placed it on the door before turning the knob and stepping out of the door, looking at Louis with the utmost irritation painted on his face.

“Are you-”

“She’s so fucking annoying, holy shit,” Harry cut Louis off, his voice snippy and rough. Louis cleared his throat, feeling taken aback by Harry’s harsh tone. “I swear to god, she just came in here to fuck with me, Jesus-”

“Harry, this is a bakery, she’s allowed to come in here if she wants to,” Louis mumbled, watching Harry pull on his coat that he grabbed from behind the counter. Harry just harshly breathed out, zipping his coat up before going to walk ahead of Louis. Louis didn’t take it personally, he knew how Harry’s anxiety made him act, so he just followed him out of the bakery, waving goodbye to Mary.

They made their way into the car in complete silence, and Louis started up the car so that he could turn on the heat. Harry still wasn’t talking, a weird and uncomfortable silence filled the space between the two as they waited for the car to heat up so that they could start driving to Niall’s. Louis felt his heart wrenching at the thought of doing something wrong and hurting Harry without meaning to.

“I didn’t mean to defend her, I know she’s mean. I’m sorry,” Louis apologized, looking at him. The street lights from outside shined on Harry’s face, and Louis could see a frown painted on his pink lips which made his heart sink.

Harry coughed a bit, sitting up, and Louis bit the inside of his cheek. 

“It’s fine,” Harry muttered. “You aren’t my boyfriend, Lou, I know you like her, but she’s such a bitch and she makes my anxiety go crazy.”

 _Ouch_ , Louis thought to himself, the words _you aren’t my boyfriend, Lou,_ bellowing through his brain loudly and making his heart and ears hurt. He felt a weird tightness in his throat, and he could barely bring himself to speak. It just - _why_ ? Louis had been feeling pretty okay all day, realizing that he had feelings for Harry, realizing that Harry made him feel so many things at once and he loved it so much, holy shit, but _wow_. Sometimes, he genuinely forgot that he wasn’t Harry’s boyfriend and he wasn’t supposed to be feeling these things. Harry was under the impression that Louis was straight and Louis was still supposed to have feelings for Eleanor. 

How the fuck are you supposed to tell your fake boyfriend that you have real feelings for him?

Louis sucked in a sharp breath, moving his hand to the gear shift to put the car in reverse so he could pull out of his parking spot. The two stayed completely silent on the way to Niall’s apartment, the tension between them so thick that you couldn’t even cut it with a knife. Louis had a dull ache in his chest at Harry’s words _you aren’t my boyfriend, Lou._ Like, _god_ , why did he have to say that? Couldn’t he have said something else? Harry didn’t know Louis was in love, no, but shit those words were so insensitive. But Louis’ anger _still_ wasn’t justified, being that Harry _was_ his fake boyfriend. How could he be angry at Harry for something that Harry simply was not aware of.

Harry seemed to take notice of Louis’ sudden change in mood because he cleared his throat a bit to break the silence. Louis hummed, not looking over at him.

“I’m sorry for being rude,” Harry spoke quietly. “That was uncalled for, really. I could have been way nicer. I know I kind of hurt your feelings, and I take it back,” he puckered his lips awkwardly, looking down at his lap, and Louis felt his heart in his throat. Harry was the most precious human being on the planet, and for a second Louis forgot he was even upset at anything he said because when he glanced at him, Harry was playing with his sleeves and pouting his lips like a little child and it was _so cute_.

Louis didn’t say anything at first, just sighed loudly as he pulled into the parking lot at Niall’s apartment complex. Louis had his eyes trained on his lap, and Harry had his eyes trained on Louis’ face. Louis felt Harry’s eyes burning holes into the side of his head, and he bit down on his lip, the stare making tingles run through his bones. 

“It’s okay, Harry,” Louis spoke up after awhile, turning his head to look at Harry, eyes lidded and smile soft. 

He watched Harry’s adam’s apple bob up and down when he swallowed, and he licked his lips slightly at the sight while shifting in his seat. _God_ , he thought. He really had to stop thinking like this, Harry wasn’t his boyfriend and he couldn’t necessarily kiss his neck with no warning whatsoever. 

“I know we’re just friends, I have no place getting mad at you for defending her-“

“We’re friends?” Louis’ inflection went up about two pitches, and he felt his chest doing a flip with happiness. 

Harry immediately grinned widely and he pressed his head into the seat, shutting his eyes with the laugh that tumbled out. “God, I regret saying that,” he breathed out. “We’re not friends, I hate you, you’re ugly.”

Louis’ cackle bellowed through the car, bouncing off of the windows. “I hate you,” he laughed, covering his mouth with his sleeve to try and muffle his laugh. The mood was immediately lifted between the two, and he could tell that Harry was feeling better from the way he was softly giggling and looking at him.

Harry made him so happy.

“Oh, shut up,” Harry chuckled. “Let’s go before Niall thinks that we’re having a titanic moment in the car,” he joked, but Louis knew the feeling in his tummy when Harry said what he said and it made his whole body feel even warmer. 

Louis didn’t say anything, though, bit his tongue, and followed Harry out of the car, walking behind him and tentatively reaching to place his hand on his lower back. Harry didn’t say anything either, didn’t even tense up at the touch that used to be so foreign to him. Harry used to tense up at Louis’ hand touching his head or his hand, used to tense up when Louis even _looked_ at him. Louis was shocked, to put it simply. He led Harry towards the door of the complex and watched him open it with the key he had before leading him into the elevator. The entire time, Harry was mumbling something about a conversation he had in his psychology class, soft breaths and giggles bouncing off of the walls in the elevator. Louis’ eyes were trained on his lips, his own bottom lip pulled into his mouth, and his hand was still resting on his lower back. 

“I’m proud of you for participating in the conversation, though, Harry,” Louis commented, cutting Harry’s sentence off halfway through. Harry’s dimples poked deeper into his cheeks and he looked down, his face turning a shade of red. 

“Stop,” Harry whined as the elevator dinged, signaling them making it to Niall’s floor. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Louis snorted, nudging Harry a bit to move him out of the elevator. “There’s nobody here for me to be embarrassing you in front of, stupid,” he smiled, pulling his hand away from his back and shoving it into his pocket and playing with his keys. He allowed Harry to lead the way to Niall’s apartment, and he watched as Harry knocked on the door. 

“Do you even have to knock? Don’t you have keys?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but you’re a guest, so it’s rude if you just walk in, fuckhead,” Harry scoffed. Louis just laughed, pressing his forehead against Harry’s shoulder gently, and he felt Harry’s hand brushing his own, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

The door opened a few moments later, and there was a brunette boy standing in front of the pair. For some reason, Louis expected Niall to be a lot taller than him, but Niall was just about the same height, if not slightly taller, but not extremely. Niall had a friendly smile and kind eyes, and almost immediately Louis felt safe in the space that he was in.

“Niall-“

“Louis!” Niall greeted excitedly, reaching to pull Louis into a hug. Louis let out an ‘oof’ when his chest hit Niall’s with the warm embrace, and he hesitantly wrapped his arms around the other’s back, patting it a bit. “I’m glad I’m finally meeting you, Harry doesn’t shut up about you,” he laughed, and Louis heard Harry whining about Niall embarrassing him before pushing past him and going into his apartment. Louis felt his face heating up at the thought of Harry going on for hours about him without him even being there and without even being prompted to. 

“H-he does?” Louis smiled when Niall stepped aside to let him into the apartment. Niall shut the door behind Louis with a nod. 

“Before he would tell me how much he hates you, and now it’s like he hates you but he’s also in love with you and it’s kind of weird but still really endearing and precious,” he laughed slightly, leading Louis to the couch. Louis looked around, seeing nice picture frames on the walls with photos of Niall and Harry as kids, photos of Niall and his family (and Harry was in the family photos as well, which Louis found super sweet. Harry really wasn’t lying when he said that he was practically Niall’s brother at this point). 

“Where’d Harry go?” Louis questioned when they sat down, looking at Niall with furrowed eyebrows. Niall shrugged, turning his head a bit.

“Probably went to go drag Luke out of bed or something,” he laughed, his elbow resting against the sofa. Louis just nodded silently, looking down at his lap where he had his hands folded together. He felt a bit awkward, now understanding why Harry was so nervous to meet his friends in the first place. It was a bit nerve-wracking, but Louis also had no idea what to talk to Niall about. He made a mental note to lecture Harry later about leaving him alone with his friends.

Niall opened his mouth to talk, but was cut off by Harry calling from down the hall. “I got him out of bed!” 

Louis mentally thanked Harry and turned around to see Harry dragging a boy with blonde curls by the wrist down the hall. “He was sleeping, but I said if he got up we can watch a Disney movie and he got up,” Harry giggled, coming into the living room. Louis saw Harry’s eyes sparkling with joy, and any feeling of awkwardness he was feeling was replaced by butterflies because of Harry’s little laugh. 

“To be fair,” Luke cleared his throat. “I’m only awake so I can interrogate Louis, and _then_ we can watch a Disney movie,” he raised an eyebrow, pointing at Louis. Louis’ cheeks flushed red when he made direct eye contact with Luke, the boy’s eyes piercing into his own and making him feel a bit intimidated. 

Harry rolled his eyes, shoving Luke with his elbow before shuffling towards the couch Louis was on and crawling onto it, placing himself on top of Louis’ lap. Louis choked on his inhale when Harry sat down, his hands tentatively coming to rest on the boy’s tummy. Harry was completely relaxed, though, head falling backward onto Louis’ shoulder and nose pushing into the crook of his neck. Louis gulped thickly, nervously pulling Harry closer and ignoring the tingles that he was feeling on his fingertips from the physical contact. 

“Why are we interrogating my boyfriend, by the way?” Harry questioned, his fingertips tracing Louis’ arms. Louis pressed his smile into Harry’s hair, his eyes shutting as he bathed in the gentle touches. 

Luke shrugged, falling onto the other couch in the room. “Just wanna make sure he’s not gonna hurt you.”

Louis’ head snapped up immediately and he gasped dramatically at Luke. “I would never,” he breathed out, placing his hand on Harry’s chest, since Harry’s back was against his own chest. 

“You’re feeling me up, dude, get your hands off of my boobs,” Harry laughed, shoving Louis’ hand away, to which Louis chortled at. 

“You’re on my chest, honey, I can’t exactly rest my hand on my own chest,” Louis pressed his face into Harry’s hair, and Harry pushed his face away, whining

Niall fake gagged at them, turning his head away. “Jesus, I haven’t seen Harry in a relationship since his first girlfriend-”

“Niall, no,” Harry shot straight up, sitting up on Louis’ lap and looking at Niall with narrow eyes. Louis, though, he was entertained at the thought of Harry’s ex-girlfriend. He pushed at Harry a bit, who looked at him funny.

“Move,” Louis whined, nudging him again. “I wanna hear about your first girlfriend.”

Harry covered his face, throwing his head back as he fell off of Louis’ lap and into the space next to him. Louis smiled slightly, moving his arm to rest around Harry’s shoulders. “Come on, Harry, it can’t be that bad-”

Luke snorted from across the room, looking at them. “When Niall told Mike and I, I laughed so hard that I peed,” he snickered, his tongue poking out from between his teeth. Louis glanced at Harry with a raised eyebrow, and Harry still had his face hiding in his hands. 

“I hope you die, please,” Harry spoke muffled from behind his hands, and Louis cooed quietly.

“‘M sure it isn’t that embarrassing, Harry-”

“Oh, but it is,” Niall snickered, rubbing his hands together. Harry pushed his face into Louis’ neck, and Louis smiled softly, holding him even tighter. He knew that Harry wasn’t his, but holding him brought him a type of joy that he didn’t know how to describe. “So as you probably know, Harry didn’t realize he was gay until he was like, 15 or so, right?” Niall giggled, pulling his leg underneath himself. Louis hummed, listening intently and absentmindedly running his thumb across Harry’s shoulder. 

“So, he always kind of knew, but he didn’t want to admit it and he met this girl named Julia, right,” Niall bit his lip, giggling through his words, not even being able to get his words out. Louis raised his eyebrow, turning his head to Luke, who was pinching the bridge of his nose. “Jesus, if we let Niall tell the story, we’ll be here all night,” he coughed, sitting up properly and resting his elbows on his knees. “So he and Julia were dating for like a month and they hadn’t kissed yet and then one day she asked if she could kiss him and he said yes, god knows why, and he started crying and he ran away,” he put his hand up. “But wait, I’m not finished, I’m not finished. So she calls him and asked why he ran away and Harry makes up this elaborate lie about how he isn’t allowed to kiss anybody because he has an oral surgery and kissing wouldn’t do well for his gums or something. So then she asked him to go on a date again and he made Niall pretend to be his dentist on the night of the date to prove that he wasn’t home and that he was getting a surgery done and then he broke up with her two days later and came out to Niall on the day of the breakup. It was quite funny, but also kind of cute and embarrassing because he couldn’t just say he wasn’t ready to kiss her.” Luke finished, looking straight at Louis, who had an amused grin on his face. 

A laugh bubbled in Louis’ throat, and he bit down hard on his lip to hold in the laugh, not wanting to upset Harry by laughing at him. But _holy shit_ did he want to laugh so badly. 

The room fell completely silent for a few moments before Harry lifted his head up off of Louis’ shoulder. 

“Go ahead, laugh at me. You’ll just be sleeping in your own bed tonight,” Harry looked at Louis seriously, and Louis pursed his lips, a snort pushing through a bit, and Harry just rolled his eyes at him before Louis started cackling, falling back against the couch and clapping, his laugh echoing through the room. 

“Harry, what the _fuck_ -”

“I didn’t know what to tell her!” Harry whined, burrowing his way under Louis’ arm, his laugh vibrating through his chest. “What was I supposed to do?”

Niall snorted, covering his mouth. “Tell her that you don’t like her that way and break up with her, stupid.”

Louis laughed, running his fingers through Harry’s hair. “Oh, baby,” Louis cooed in fake sympathy. “It’s not your fault that you’re an idiot.”

Harry shoved Louis away, pouting petulantly. “I hate all three of you so much, I didn’t come here to be attacked, I came here to watch you two threaten Louis.”

Luke got up off of the couch and squeezed himself into the space between Louis and Harry, grinning at Louis. “I don’t have to threaten him anymore, I like him. I think he’s good for you, he’s relaxed and you’re overly uptight. Perfect match-”

“I’m not uptight!” Harry gasped, his jaw dropping and eyebrows furrowing. A snort came from Louis, who looked over Luke’s shoulder to see Harry. 

“You’re uptight.”

“Am not.”

Louis raised an eyebrow at Harry. “Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am-”

Niall groaned loudly, grabbing a pillow and chucking it at Harry’s face while loudly exclaiming, “For god’s sake, shut up so we can watch tangled!”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“Come on,” Louis sighed, nudging Harry forward as they made their way into their dorm room. He was yawning and rubbing at his eyes, it was really late because they didn’t leave Niall’s until around 12:30 a.m. The pair already brushed their teeth and whatever, Harry was very adamant about flossing before bed and he even forced Louis to as well. Louis didn’t even like to brush his teeth before bed, he usually only did it if he had a smoke before bed, but he hadn’t smoked in a few weeks because of Harry. He didn’t feel the need to. 

“I’m sleepy,” Harry softly spoke, pulling his coat off and hanging it up before immediately walking over to his wardrobe and grabbing a pair of pajama pants and a tee-shirt. Louis just smiled softly, stripping down to his boxers and tossing his shirt and jeans aside somewhere before crawling into his bed. Louis licked his lips, looking over at Harry, who was getting ready to pull his shirt off. 

“I can feel you looking at me, turn around, you perv,” Harry muttered, and Louis put his hands up in defense and flipped over onto his stomach, hiding his face in the pillow. 

A yawn tumbled from his lips, but he kept his eyes open, staring at the pillow because he didn’t wanna fall asleep just yet. 

“I had fun tonight. Your friends are really fun,” Louis stated sleepily. 

Harry snorted, and Louis heard his wardrobe door close, meaning he could lift his head up again. “You’re only saying that because you enjoyed making fun of me,” Harry chuckled, going to crawl into his own bed. Louis watched Harry crawl underneath his covers and snuggle his bear close to his face, and he smiled at the soft sight. 

Louis laid on his side, facing Harry, Harry facing him as well. They were both just blinking slowly at each other, sleepy smiles and fluttering eyelashes. The room was colder than normal, so Louis was shivering a little bit.

“Maybe you wouldn’t be so cold if you didn’t sleep half-naked, idiot,” Harry scoffed, his eyes fluttering shut. “Wear some pants next time.”

Louis whined. “Wearing clothes isn’t comfortable. And it’s not my fault you’re warm-blooded, you never _get_ cold. Fuck you.” 

Louis couldn’t keep the stupid smile off of his face as he looked at Harry, who was still smiling despite his eyes being closed. He felt his heart flutter. He wanted that smile on Harry’s lips forever. It made him feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. 

But right now he just wanted to be warm, “Holy fuck, why is it so cold in here?” Louis whined, and Harry laughed, snuggling closer to his blanket.

Harry didn’t say anything at first, just slowly opened his eyes to look at Louis. Louis was shivering so hard that his teeth were chattering, and he pouted a bit. 

“You’re such a fucking baby,” Harry groaned. “Come here and lay with me, I’m warm.”

A feeling bubbled up in Louis’ chest and he felt his cheeks burned bright red. A month ago, he would feel absolutely disgusted at the thought of even touching Harry, yet he held Harry in his lap and taught him how to skate and he braided his hair willingly, holy shit. He knew he liked Harry, he did, and Harry made him smile so goddamn much. God, Louis didn’t even realize he was falling until it started happening, and he honestly couldn’t control himself as he got up off of the bed and began walking over to Harry’s.

“I’m a-”

“Little spoon, I know Harry,” Louis chuckled, crawling over Harry to lay behind him underneath the blanket. Louis felt his heart thumping in his chest as he settled behind him, Harry’s chocolate and cinnamon scent filling his nose as he pulled the blanket up to his chin. The bed was small, so their bodies were pressed right up against each other. Louis could feel heat radiating off of Harry’s body, and it immediately warmed him up when he wrapped his arms around Harry’s thin waist and rested his cold fingers on his tummy, feeling Harry’s abs contract under the touch. Louis giggled a bit, pressing his face into Harry’s back and moving his feet up to push them against Harry’s calves. 

“Cold toes, cold toes,” Harry whined, kicking Louis. Louis laughed, holding him even closer and curling his toes a little bit. “Jeez, I wonder how I’m gonna survive when you leave for break,” Harry said sarcastically. 

Louis hummed. “You’ll be fine. You’ll have Niall, won’t you?” he questioned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

Shrugging his shoulders, Harry shifted a little bit. He turned around in Louis’ arms, trying to get comfortable. Louis knew Harry moved around a lot before he actually fell asleep, so he didn’t mind much. “Niall’s family has a wedding, so they won’t be in England for Christmas, they’re going back to Ireland,” he explained. “I don’t wanna go home, for obvious reasons, and I feel guilty intruding on Niall, so I’m staying here.”

It was a plausible explanation, but it still left a bad taste in his mouth. The idea of Harry being alone on Christmas day made his heart sink into his stomach. Nobody should ever be alone on Christmas, that just shouldn’t be allowed.

A thought crossed Louis’ mind quickly, and he pursed his lips as he thought deeper about it, not really knowing if it was appropriate to ask. They were friends, of course, but Louis didn’t know if it would be a great idea.

“Harry,” Louis whispered, breath moving Harry’s hair around. Harry hummed, moving closer to Louis. He gulped nervously, not knowing how to phrase his sentence. He honestly just, wanted to just go for it. “Do you, um,” he paused. “Do you wanna come home with me for Christmas?” he questioned slowly. A weird nervousness settled in his stomach when Harry pulled his head away from where it was resting on Louis’ shoulder. 

“What? Lou-”

“I don’t want you to be alone on Christmas, that sucks,” Louis sighed. “My family already thinks we’re together-”

“You told them?!” Harry cut him off with a gasp.

“Of course I did,” Louis breathily laughed. “I talk to my mum every day, she started asking me why I was actually spending time with you and I just told her we were together because I didn’t want her telling Zayn we aren’t actually together,” he explained, and Harry pursed his lips, nodding. 

“Can’t believe you lied to your mother, you heathen,” Harry laughed, his head falling back down onto Louis’ chest, and Louis felt his heart stop slightly. 

Louis groaned, his chin resting on Harry’s head. “I already feel bad enough that I lied to my mummy, stop reminding me,” he laughed. “But come on, she won’t mind, I promise. My sister brought her boyfriend last year.”

A silence fell between the two, Louis’ fingers twisting Harry’s curls gently as he waited for a response. 

“Are you sure she won’t mind?” Harry questioned softly, almost nervously. The tone in his voice broke Louis’ heart to pieces. Harry didn’t even feel safe going to his own home for Christmas, the least he could do was make him feel safe. “I don’t wanna intrude, or anything, Lou-”

“Shut up, Harry,” Louis laughed, covering his mouth with his palm. Harry furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance, licking at his palm. Louis cocked an eyebrow at him. “That doesn’t phase me, I have six younger siblings. My mother would _love_ to have you with us for Christmas. So shut up and agree, okay?” 

There was a soft giggle, a little smile, and a head of curls tickling his chin. His body was warm now, but he didn’t want to move from where he was. He liked it here, next to Harry. It felt warm, safe.

Harry took a deep breath, shutting his eyes and yawning dramatically. “I’d love to join you for Christmas and your birthday-”

“You remembered?” Louis squeaked in surprise, his stomach erupting in butterflies. Harry _remembered_?

Harry scoffed. “I listen to you, stupid, and I’ll come home with you, but can we talk about it tomorrow? I’m really fucking tired and I just wanna go to bed. Can we sleep now?” 

Louis pressed his grin into Harry’s hair, nodding a little bit. “Sweet dreams, yeti boy,” Louis ran his fingers across Harry’s scalp in a soothing way, trying to lull him to sleep. 

Harry was asleep within minutes, soft breaths hitting Louis’ chest. Louis felt his chest squeezing in the most delightful way possible. Harry fit so perfectly in his arms, and Louis couldn’t have been happier that he asked Harry to fake date him. He was glad. He was. 

Out of every dumb decision he’s ever made, this one actually had the best outcome that he’s ever experienced. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh i hope y'all loved that bc i loved writing it! 
> 
> leave feedback and tell me about your day my loves, i wanna know
> 
> love u all!
> 
> word count: 8,026
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	7. you are in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Um,” Harry giggled again, and Louis’ face broke into a wide smile, a laugh falling from his mouth too. Louis dropped his forehead down onto Harry’s, and Harry looked up into Louis’ eyes, his lips parted, hot breath hitting Louis’ face and tickling his nose.  
> He could feel Harry’s other hand lingering on his shoulder, but he didn’t move from where he was, just continued looking into Harry’s eyes. 
> 
> Just kiss him, he thought to himself. Just tell him now, say you love him, tell him. Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! this chapter is so cute LMFAO it's just so gentle and sweet and lovey and so LOUIS AND HARRY
> 
> they're so in love it hurts
> 
> i cant wait for lou's show hehe
> 
> song of the ch: You Are In Love by Taylor Swift
> 
> enjoy honeysss
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)

Falling in love was something Louis had only experienced one time in his life. Or at least he thought. Before, Louis thought that love was going on dates and looking nice. He thought it was buying gifts for each other and saying “you look really good today.” He thought that maybe you loved someone when you liked being around them and when they made you feel good about yourself.

But what Louis didn’t know, and something he also didn’t notice until he was packing his car that morning to go home, is that he had been experiencing falling in love _for real_ for the past month without even noticing. For some reason, he thought it would be scary. Louis always thought that falling in love would be scary, and especially after his relationship with Eleanor, he thought that it would hurt him.

What he didn’t expect was laughter, _god_ , so much laughter. Laughter about stupid shit that made no sense and horrible jokes that made him cringe so hard his face scrunched up too, but for some reason the laughter bubbled through anyways, making his heart shake and his chest rumble even harder. What he didn’t expect was sitting down next to someone because you craved their company. Just wanting to be next to somebody, he didn’t care if they talked or if they cried or if they smiled; he just wanted them near. What he didn’t expect was the _this made me think of you_ , a message that he’d sent more than once, whether it be a photo of a meme or a stupid gag he found in the store when he went shopping. 

Louis didn’t think that falling in love involved safety, which might’ve been stupid of him to think, but he really didn’t. He didn’t know that he should be able to talk about whatever he wanted without feeling like the other person didn’t care or that he was walking on eggshells. _God_ , he didn’t know how important love should make you feel because god knows when Louis has felt important to somebody in the past few years other than Zayn and his family.

He didn’t know that the person you fell in love with should be your best friend. If they’re not your best friend, then what the hell are you doing?

He didn’t expect to be falling in so deep, didn’t expect to be feeling this deeply about anybody, let alone about another guy; let alone about _Harry Styles_ , for fucks sake. He spent so long pretending to hate him instead of just being nice to him and being his friend that he really didn’t realize that Harry was a phenomenal person. Sweet, kind, funny, smart, but he was also clumsy and idiotic and he took long to understand things, but that was okay because Louis loved it anyway.

Louis loved _him_ anyway. 

Louis’ lips pressed into a smile as he made his way back up to the dorm room. Harry was still asleep, they weren’t leaving for another hour or so and Harry was _not_ a morning person. They went to sleep pretty late, too. Harry wanted to watch his favorite show, _How I Met Your Mother_ , and they got a bit carried away. Not with the show, with each other. They ended up making a joke about something Marshall said and Harry went on a long rant about why he’s the best character and then he ended up telling Louis a story, which resulted in Louis telling Harry a story, and before they knew it it was 3 a.m. and they were having trouble sleeping because every time they tried to stay silent, one of them would end up spitting from trying to hold in a laugh.

Louis didn’t mind. 

He shut the door quietly, not wanting to wake Harry up in an unpleasant way because he hated that himself. Louis heard the sheets rustling, and his eyes fell on a sleeping Harry who was trying to wrap his leg around something that wasn’t there. Louis’ heart squeezed, and he bit down on his lip to suppress his smile. Since that night that they cuddled because Louis was cold, Louis complained about it being cold every night and they had gotten into the routine of crawling into Louis’ bed together every night and falling asleep curled around each other. Louis was so used to the weight of Harry’s leg over his hip and the head on his chest that the one night Harry slept at Niall’s, he didn’t even fall asleep.

Louis crept closer to the bed, kneeling down beside the bed and slowly reaching up to brush Harry’s messy mop of curls off of his forehead. Harry stirred in his sleep, his eyebrows furrowing when Louis’ cold thumb grazing his warm skin. He made a soft noise, and Louis just smiled softly at him. 

“C’mon, wake up, yeti boy,” Louis moved his hand down, placing it on Harry’s shoulder and shaking him a bit. Harry whined, his hand reaching out to shove Louis’ cold palm off of him.

“Five more minutes…”

Louis sighed, shaking him again. “You need to get up and shower and change into different sweats because you fell asleep with tea stained pajamas,” he reminded Harry with a cocked eyebrow, and Harry cracked one eye open to look at him. 

“I hate you.”

Louis chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Sure you do, Harry,” he teased, pushing himself up off of the ground. “Come on, curly, up, up, out of bed. We’ll even leave early to grab breakfast on the way, if you’d like,” he suggested, and watched Harry sit up slowly and rub his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. Louis’ eyes shined at the endearing sight, and it took everything in him to not tackle him onto the bed and kiss him all over. 

“But I’m tired ‘n it’s cold,” Harry yawned, and Louis rolled his eyes at him. 

“Up. I’ll even pick you an outfit if it would make you feel better,” Louis bargained, looking at Harry with a raised eyebrow and a toothy grin. Louis watched Harry’s annoyed pout dissolve into a little smile, his dimples giving him away as he pushed himself off of the bed and tossed the blanket aside on the bed. 

Harry stretched, his bones popping slightly as he let out a soft noise, his shirt riding up his tummy and showing a little sliver of skin that Louis just wanted to touch and kiss, and - 

“You gonna pick me an outfit or just stand there?” Harry asked, beginning to walk to the door so that he could go brush his teeth. When he passed Louis’ Louis got a quick whiff of him, and he could smell Harry’s chocolate and cinnamon scent mixed with his own cologne, which was so _adorable_. Harry poked Louis’ tummy, and Louis groaned and pushed Harry’s hand away from his body. 

“Don’t pick jeans, I wanna wear sweats!” Harry called as he walked out of the door with another word, and Louis was left with a smile on his face as he went through Harry’s wardrobe to pick his clothes. They were going to be in the car for a while, since they went to school in London, so Louis was also wearing sweats and a hoodie, just because he didn’t want to be uncomfortable in the car.

Louis settled on a pair of soft black sweats and a blue hoodie for Harry, and he picked a pair of socks to go with it. He figured Harry would just wear his vans on the way, so he didn’t bother, just flopped backward on the bed and pulled his phone out of his pocket to text his sister.

**_To Lotts:_ **

_we should be on our way soon but i had to bargain with harry to get him out of bed so im taking him for breakfast and then we’ll actually really be on our way_

**_From Lotts:_ **

_okay that’s fine i’ll tell mum_

_i can’t wait to meet him_

_he looks like he’s more entertaining than you are_

_also drive safe pls_

_love you_

**_To Lotts:_ **

_fuck off_

_and i will_

_love you too_

Louis breathed out with a bit of a smile. He missed his siblings so much, even if they all collectively drove him insane growing up. They were his entire heart. Being away from them was harder than he thought, he desperately needed to have a gossiping session with Lottie, Fizzy, and the twins - well, the twins being Phoebe and Daisy since Doris and Ernest were way too young to join in. He wondered for a moment if Harry would also partake in the gossiping session as well. He felt his heart squeezing at the thought of Harry bonding with his siblings. Harry loved kids, he told Louis that the night before. He always wanted a bunch of kids when he was married, he told Louis, and Louis would be lying if he said he didn’t imagine what he and Harry’s kids would look like. 

Harry came into the room ten minutes later, and Louis’ head popped up from where he was looking at his text conversation with Lottie. He had his curls pulled up in a little clip to hold them out of his face, but his nose was scrunched up in frustration. Louis scrunched his nose up to mock Harry’s, and he pushed himself up on his elbows.

“What’s up with the pout, curly?” Louis questioned.

“‘M hair is all over the place,” Harry huffed.  
Louis rolled his eyes. “You’re such a baby, christ, tie it up,” he laughed, his legs swinging over the side of the bed. “Or do you want me to braid it so it’s out of the way?” he questioned, and Harry pursed his lips before nodding.

“I wanna get dressed first, though,” Harry yawned again. Louis noticed that he still wasn’t fully up, still really grumpy because he was forced to get out of bed. 

“Go on then,” Louis waved him off, turning around to face the wall. “I’m not looking at you,” he giggled, and he heard Harry scoff behind him.

“You actually picked an outfit for me,” Harry chuckled, and Louis could hear the sound of his pants hitting the floor as he changed. “You’re whipped,” he joked, but Louis felt his heart stop and he took in a sharp breath. He knew it was a joke since they were fake boyfriends and all, but something about Harry making jokes about how whipped he was made his throat close up.

Quickly, he flipped Harry the bird and laughed nervously to hide his shock. “As fucking if I’d ever be whipped for you, yeti boy,” he scoffed. “Your curls are dumb and you smell like bread.”

Harry guffawed, and Louis quickly turned his head because of how close to him the noise was. “That’s the best you’ve got after insulting me for like, 2 years?” Harry chuckled, sitting on the floor in front of Louis’ legs. Louis spread his knees to let Harry rest his head between them on the bed so he could braid his hair.

Louis chortled, tugging the clip out of Harry’s hair and spreading the knots with his fingers. “What, d’you want me to call you a slut?”

“Ooh,” Harry giggled. “Degradation.”

“Shut up!” Louis laughed, tugging Harry’s hair playfully to emphasize his point. Harry just tilted his head back with the pull, giggling once again. 

“That’s kinky-”

Louis’ annoyed groan cut off Harry’s sentence. “Please shut up,” he sighed, and Harry smiled, his eyes fluttering shut when Louis pushed his head back so he could look forward. Louis loved this, loved joking around with Harry, and just feeling okay.

He braided Harry’s hair in under 8 minutes, tying both sides with hair ties that Harry had on his wrist. He tugged on one of them gently, leaning down to mumble in his ear. “Done,” he breathed out, and he watched Harry shiver slightly. Louis smirked, licking his bottom lip a little before nudging Harry. “Up, let’s go.”

Within the next 5 minutes, the two were outside, putting their last bit of belongings into the car and shivering from the cold. Louis felt kind of nervous, for some reason. His family was accepting and kind to everybody, it didn't matter who they were, but what he was nervous about was the fact that this relationship wasn’t real and he didn’t want to slip up on accident. Fortunately for him, though, he was a great actor, so it probably wouldn’t be _that_ hard. 

Louis got into the car after closing the trunk, and Harry had already started his car so that they weren’t terribly cold when they started driving. He hummed, tugging his jacket off and tossing it in the backseat of the car.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows, looking Louis up and down quickly. Louis looked back at him, both of his eyebrows raised and his eyes wide.

“What are you looking at?” Louis asked, shaking his head to emphasize his question.

Harry took in a breath, tilting his head slightly. “You aren’t gonna have a smoke?” he questioned, and Louis' confused look morphed into a grin. He was shocked that Harry hadn’t noticed yet, noticed that he hasn’t actually smoked a cigarette in weeks. Smoking was a coping mechanism, obviously, but since Harry was distracting him and making him smile, he didn’t need to smoke anymore. He didn’t need the distraction, Harry was enough.

“Curly,” he chuckled, going to put the car in reverse to back out of his parking spot. “I haven’t smoked in weeks, you know,” he pointed out, and Harry turned to him, even more confused.

“What?” he breathed out. “Not even a little? Not even like, once a day? You just haven’t?”

Louis shook his head, placing his hand on the back of Harry’s seat so that he could check behind him. “Since you said you don’t like the taste and you have asthma, I tried my best to stop. I chew gum instead, packs of gum are cheaper than bags of lollipops,” he joked rolling his eyes as he sat back down in the driver's seat and drove out of the parking lot.

Harry stayed silent for a second, looking at Louis with a dropped jaw. To Harry’s knowledge, Louis was an avid smoker who wouldn’t quit for a minute. Louis shockingly didn’t have bad withdrawal symptoms, just headaches, really. 

“Holy shit,” Harry sat up in his seat after a minute, and Louis didn’t really react, knowing he was probably going to make a comment about some revelation he had. Louis hummed, glancing at him to continue. 

“I forgot my inhaler.” 

Louis sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes at Harry. “I packed it in my bag because I knew you’d forget it, stupid, chill out,” he grumbled.

Harry smiled gently at him, his head turning towards Louis. Louis had his eyes trained on the road ahead, but he knew that Harry was smiling at him. 

“You’re thoughtful,” Harry mumbled, leaning his head against the seat to look at Louis. Butterflies erupted in Louis’ tummy, and he bit back his smile, gripping the wheel harder. Of course he thought about Harry’s asthma. Mainly because he was afraid of Harry having an attack because he had no clue how to deal with an asthma attack, but also because he really, _really_ cared about him. 

“Just don’t want you dying on me or else Niall will have my head, wouldn’t he?” Louis joked, giving Harry a fond smile.

Harry chuckled, nodding. “Then we’d both be dead,” he added. “It’d be like a fucked up Romeo and Juliet situation because we didn’t commit suicide, I died from an asthma attack and you were _murdered_ ,” he breathed the word out dramatically, and Louis couldn’t stop himself from chortling. 

“Romeo, where arth thou Romeo?” Louis waved his hand dramatically in the air, twisting the air.

Harry cackled, his head falling back as his adam's apple bobbed. The laugh sent sparks through Louis’ veins, and he couldn’t stop the huge smile from forming on his face, his cheeks turning a bright red as they started to hurt. 

“If anything,” Harry said through a gasp. “I’m Juliet. I’m prettier,” Harry said cockily, flipping his braid over his shoulder. 

“You’re saying Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t sexy?” 

Harry shrugged a bit, giggles freely tumbling out. “He’s okay-”

“Okay?!” Louis exclaimed, putting one hand on his chest. “Just okay? He’s hot!”

“There are totally hotter actors-”

“You need glasses.”

“And you’re stupid,” Harry retorted, and Louis rolled his eyes. “So ha, I win.”

And Louis honestly enjoyed the satisfied grin on Harry’s face, so he let him win. He’d always let him win.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Harry ended up falling asleep not even a half hour into the ride, which meant two things:

  1. Louis was going to be bored now because he had to listen to music by himself.
  2. They didn’t have breakfast, so now Louis was hungry and annoyed. 



So Louis’ stomach was hurting and now he was thinking way too much as he tried to find a distraction for his hunger. Which also meant his mind was wandering to places he didn’t necessarily like.

After this break, whatever he and Harry had was going to be over. The “one month of officially fake dating” was going to be over, they would have to tell everyone they’re just friends. He wondered if that meant that he wouldn’t be cuddling Harry every night, or if they would stop having marathons of stupid plays and _How I Met Your Mother_ and staying up so late that they could barely wake up for class the next day. He swallowed thickly, a sinking feeling settling in his chest at the realization he suddenly had. 

After this break was over, he would have to force himself to stop being in love with Harry. He wouldn’t have a reason to randomly call Zayn and gush about how pretty Harry was or how smart his boyfriend was, he wouldn’t have a reason to go pick him up from work and annoy Mary by kissing Harry in front of customers - _god_ , he wouldn’t get the chance to kiss Harry for no reason anymore. 

Louis wondered; how do you just fall out of love with someone? Forget the taste of their lips and the smell of their hair, act like their laugh doesn’t knock the air out of your lungs but make your heart beat seventy-five times faster than it normally did. He didn’t have to pretend that Harry’s stupid jokes were funny anymore. (Though deep down, he really thought they were funny and he wasn’t really pretending.) ( _“Harry, it was a bad joke, move on.” “But you’re laughing, aren’t you?” “I’m obligated to laugh. I’m your fake boyfriend.” “Stub your toe.” “You stub yours.”)_

Hopefully Harry still allowed him to go on long rants about his rehearsals and still wanted to go on random drives around the neighborhood. Hopefully, things didn’t change _too much_. 

Knowing Harry, though, he knew they wouldn’t. Harry didn’t trust too many people to begin with, and because he trusted Louis he would probably want to keep him close. Maybe not _as close_ , though. Louis bit the inside of his cheek, thinking about when he would force himself to fall out of love.

Maybe not today, not tomorrow, he thought. Too early.

Instead, he decided to just hold on to the little time he had to love Harry before he had to stop.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Harry slept like a fucking log during the whole ride and Louis didn’t have it in him to wake him up because he looked _so fucking cute_. 

So that meant that Louis spent the whole three hour car ride starving and frustrated with no Harry giggles to distract him. But that didn’t matter, since he was already pulling into the driveway of his house (because his mom and stepdad left a spot for him, which he appreciated). Louis yawned a bit, still a little tired from the drive and having taken no breaks on the way there as well. He was really excited, though, he couldn’t wait to finally cuddle with his mum after months of not seeing her. His lips pursed into a little smile, looking over at Harry. He hoped that Harry got along with his mum, that was his only wish. Harry hadn’t been close with his mum in ages and it hurt Louis. Maybe along with Niall’s mum, his own mum could be a mother figure to him.

But he was also slightly worried about Harry and his social anxiety. He knew that Harry would probably be really shy at first, and his siblings were a bit insane, he hoped that it didn’t scare Harry off or give him an anxiety attack. Louis got out of the drivers’ seat, shutting the door gently before walking over to Harry’s side of the car and opening the door since Harry’s head wasn’t resting on the window.

“Hey,” Louis reached to place his hand on Harry’s shoulder, shaking him slowly. Louis’ eyes flicked over Harry’s sleeping face, his lips open slightly and tiny hairs sticking out and onto his face. Harry was just so effortlessly beautiful, he didn’t have to try. Louis breathed out a laugh, moving his cold hand to stroke over Harry’s soft and rosy cheek. “Wake up, curly, come on. We’re here,” Louis mumbled, and he watched Harry’s eyebrows furrow and his face scrunch up. Harry let out a groan, going to slap Louis’ hand off of his face before cracking both eyes open, glaring at him.

“Your fucking hands are cold, you dickhead,” Harry grunted, and Louis snorted, pulling his hand away. 

“Grumpy,” he joked, standing straight up. “Come on, we’ll go inside first and get the bags later,” he suggested, and Harry whined, sitting up straight and yawning quietly. 

“‘M nervous, though,” Harry looked at Louis with a tiny pout, and Louis smiled back at him. “What if they don’t like me?”

Louis scoffed. What an absolutely _stupid_ idea from an absolutely _stupid_ boy. Who _wouldn’t_ like Harry? He was kind and gentle and told the most awful jokes but somehow, his laugh made the bad joke worthwhile. It would take so much to actually dislike him, but Louis found himself saying “Well, you’re ugly anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

Harry cackled, throwing his head back. Louis’ heart was in his throat. “Back at it with the horrendous insults, Tomlinson?”

Louis raised both eyebrows, a wide mouthed grin on his face. “Back at it with the last name instead of calling me stupid?” he retorted, and Harry started laughing even harder, his eyes screwing shut. Harry shot something back that made Louis laugh even louder, having to bend over from how bad his stomach hurt from laughter.  
But they clearly got way too distracted with each other, because they didn’t notice Louis’ mum standing behind them with a grin until she cleared her throat. Both boys let giggles fall from their mouths as they turned their heads to see her, and Louis’ eyes lit up immediately. 

“Mummy!” Louis squealed childishly, rushing towards his mother and wrapping his arms around her neck, nearly knocking her over from how tight and unexpected the hug was. Her warm embrace made Louis feel so comforted and safe, so happy as she wrapped her arms around his back, her hand gently running up and down his back. “I missed you, mum.”

She laughed, pulling back to put her hands on Louis’ cheeks. Louis smiled, placing his hands on hers. “I missed you too, baby,” she gave him a gentle smile before pulling away from him, immediately turning her gaze to look at Harry. Louis held his breath, watching Harry stand up straight, fixing his posture, and smoothing out his clothes. He hoped that Harry would be alright talking to her, but he could practically see Harry’s chest rising and falling quickly with his fast breathing. _Anxiety_ , Louis thought, but he informed his mum that Harry had an anxiety disorder, and he knew his mum would be gentle with him. 

“H-hi,” Harry breathed out, reaching his hand out to her. “I’m Harry, and-”

“Oh, none of that,” she breathed out, opening her arms up for a hug. “I’m Jay, I already know your name because my son doesn’t shut up about you, and it’s wonderful to meet you. I hear you give amazing hugs, so come here and give me a squeeze,” she waved him over, and Louis heard Harry’s breath hitch in confusion. 

“I- o-okay,” Harry mumbled with a shy smile, shuffling closer to Jay and leaning down to wrap his arms around her neck. Louis held his breath again, hoping that Harry would be alright, but to his surprise he watched Harry relax into the gentle hug. Louis immediately relaxed, a warm feeling spreading through his chest. 

Louis watched as Jay tippy toed, leaning up to whisper something in Harry’s ear, and Harry’s face turned a deep shade of red before he broke out into a fit of shy giggles. 

“Hey,” he called, rolling his eyes to fake annoyance. “You better not be making fun of me over there,” he scolded, shaking his finger, and Harry snorted, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth. 

“I thanked him for picking up your underwear since I’m fully aware that you don’t pick your own up,” she joked, and Louis just rolled his eyes again at her. 

“Whatever, can we go inside now? I’m cold.”

Harry made a shocked noise, putting his hand on his chest. “I know mister _I really, really miss my mummy_ isn’t being rude to Mrs. Tomlinson-”

“Jay-”

“Mrs. Jay, because I feel rude calling you just Jay,” Harry added, and Louis rolled his eyes.

“Stop trying to charm my mother,” Louis whined. “I’m really cold, can we _please_ go ins-”

“Louis!” A girly voice came from the door, and Louis' eyes lit up once more as he turned around to see his sister, Lottie, standing at the door with her arms wide. Now he finally had an excuse to go inside, wonderful. Louis heard Jay and Harry’s voices as they chatted behind him and he walked closer to Lottie, wrapping his arms around her tightly and pressing a soft kiss to her head. 

“How I missed my favorite heathen,” he hummed, then paused. “Don’t tell Phoebs I said that, she’ll put my underwear in the freezer,” he added, and he heard Harry bark out a laugh. 

“I’d pay money to see her do that. Maybe I’ll tell her-”

“Harry, I will kill you,” Louis threatened, turning his head slightly to look at him. Harry put his hands up in defense. 

The four of them made their way into the house, and immediately Louis was met with the smell of pine from the tree and chocolate, which excited him a lot because he _loved_ hot cocoa. Louis allowed his mum and Lottie to walk ahead of him and into the house, and Louis slipped off his shoes and his coat, then smiled at Harry, who was already looking at him. Louis felt his heart skip a beat, pulling Harry’s coat off of his shoulders slowly, letting his hands linger on his arms before running his hands down his biceps. 

“Why’re you feeling me up?” Harry snorted, and Louis’ face turned red.

“I-um,” he stuttered, turning away from Harry to hang the coat up. He tried to think of an excuse for the way he touched him, but nothing was coming to his head. Luckily, though, he was saved because he heard Daisy’s laugh coming from the doorway of the living room. Louis let out a silent sigh of relief, turning around to see her with a smirk.

“You’ve been here for five minutes and you guys are already making me want to puke,” she joked, walking up to them. Daisy smiled up at Harry, reaching her hand out to shake his hand, which he took tentatively. He sucked in a breath, giving her an anxious smile. “I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with hugs because I’m meeting you for the first time, but I’m Daisy and Louis has already told me about you so don’t even say your name, Harry,” she pointed out, and Louis could see the big smile forming on his face. “He was right, though, you do have pretty hair,’ she complimented, and a soft “thank you” left Harry’s mouth. “Can’t wait to put butterfly clips in it, I hope that’s okay with you. I know you haven’t met Phoebe yet, but she likes to give people makeovers and you have nice nail beds and perfect skin…” Daisy’s voice got quieter and quieter as she and Harry left the front porch area, and Louis was stood there with a dropped jaw at how easily Daisy got Harry to go with her. It surprised him _a lot_ considering Harry almost cried when he met Liam, Maya, and Gigi. He furrowed his eyebrows a bit, puckering his lips as he wandered into the kitchen to join his mother, thoughts still bouncing off his skull. Maybe Harry’s anxiety had improved lately, and that thought made Louis smile widely. Louis hummed, seeing his mom sitting at the kitchen table with Phoebe and Fizzy, and he just very calmly went to pour himself some water before sitting down in front of them, since they were so engulfed in their conversation about Fizzy’s boyfriend that they didn’t even see him walk into the kitchen. 

“He sounds like a dick,” Louis mumbled, taking a sip of water. “I’ll break his leg-”

“Louis!” both Phoebe and Fizzy exclaimed at the same time, turning their heads to face him and jumping up to go and hug him. 

“Hi,” he laughed, hugging both of them with one arm each and giving them both a kiss on the cheek. “You guys are gonna have to tell Harry and I more of that later-”

“He’s joining our gossip session?” Phoebe questioned, pulling away from the hug. “Cool, maybe he’ll let me paint his nails since you never let me paint yours,” she mumbled, narrowing her eyes at Louis. Louis just shook his head at her. 

“Whatever,” he scoffed. “But Daisy stole him, so I’m assuming they’re-”

A loud peal of laughter cut his sentence off, and he furrowed his eyebrows. The laughter registered as the other set of twins, Lottie, and Daisy, and _Harry_? A confused smile grew on his face, and Fizzy poked his forehead, causing him to turn around to look at her. 

“You look confused that they’re getting along,” she looked at him funny, and he just breathed out softly.

“He, uh, has really bad anxiety, so I’m shocked that he’s actually talking to people,” he explained honestly, peeking his head through the doorway and seeing him holding Ernest upside down and spinning around in a circle. He felt a fond smile growing on his face, his eyes trained on Harry who’s dimples were poking through as giggles came out loudly. Louis’ eyes softened, his whole body relaxing at the simple sound of his smile, but really it wasn’t that simple to him. It was the most beautiful sound in the world and could calm even the worst of Louis’ breakdowns.

Jay seemed to catch his stare, watching the way Louis was looking at him, and she chuckled a bit. He turned his head, clearing his throat embarrassingly with a bright red face. “Don’t look at me like that,” he whined, covering his face.

“You love him, don’t you?” 

Louis bit down on his lip, looking down at his hands that were sitting in his lap. 

“I do,” he said simply, his face burning up. _But he doesn’t love me_ , he thought. His sisters both squealed, and he rolled his eyes at how dramatic they were being. “Oh, shut up, Jesus-”

“Have you told him yet?”

“Did he say it back?”

“Well, does he treat you well?”

They bombarded him with a bunch of questions, and he groaned loudly, throwing his head back. He should’ve known they were going to ask him a billion questions, and he also hoped that when his stepdad came home that he didn’t question Harry too harshly. 

“I wouldn’t have brought him home if he didn’t treat me well, christ, and why don’t you go talk to him? He’s already bonded with Doris and Ernie anyways,” he laughed. He didn’t exactly lie, Harry did treat him well. He always made sure he was smiling, always saved him a red velvet cupcake after work, listened to him, and went to his small performances. Harry was really supportive, and Louis was honestly happy for whoever got to actually date Harry. 

Phoebe shrugged. “Guess I’ll go bond with your boyfriend and ask if he’ll let me paint his nails,” she stated, going to leave the kitchen, Fizzy following behind. Louis just shook his head, a little smile settling across his lips as he sat there, across from his mum. 

“You haven’t wiped that smile off of your face, I’m used to you being angry,” Jay raised her eyebrow at him with a smirk. 

Louis shrugged, lifting his head to look at her. “I’m happy that he’s comfortable. He usually has a tough time talking to people, but I guess not with you guys,” he chuckled, glancing over to the living room again and seeing Phoebe undoing his braids for him. “I thought the lot of you would scare him away,” he joked, going to get up off of the chair he was sitting on. Jay got up as well, walking around the table and walking towards Louis with her arms wide. He returned the hug warmly, resting his cheek on top of her head.

“I’m happy you’re home,” Jay breathed out. Louis didn't respond, just hugged her tighter and let his eyes fall shut, feeling happy and comforted in his mum’s arms.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Louis and Harry’s first day in Doncaster wasn’t as exhausting and nerve-wracking as they assumed it would be. Well, not they, mostly just Louis. But to his surprise, the day was a success. His stepdad, Mark, ended up coming home from work around 7:30, and they had dinner around then, and he didn’t interrogate Harry, which relieved Louis a lot. He was worried that Harry would have an anxiety attack at the dinner table, but he was fine. (Not to mention the fact that Harry didn’t even sit next to him at dinner that night, he sat between Fizzy and Lottie because amidst some long discussion about Cedric Digory and how he didn’t deserve to die (Louis thought Cedric was annoying). 

The decorations weren’t on the tree yet, Jay and Mark both suggested that they decorate the tree in the morning because they wanted the kids to catch up with Louis and what not since they hadn’t seen him in months. 

So by 8:15, everybody was showering and getting into their pajamas, and Louis suggested that all of the kids should watch a movie. (Well, except for Doris and Ernest, their bedtime was at 9 since they were the youngest and they probably would not enjoy watching a sappy Christmas movie, as that’s what the girls wanted. Well, not Daisy and Fizzy, they wanted to watch Elf, Harry too, but Phoebe and Lottie insisted on watching The Princess Switch.) 

Louis and Harry were sitting in Louis’ childhood bedroom after both of them had a shower. They had to wait for the girls to finish, so Mark helped them bring their luggage up and Harry was giggling way too much at how embarrassing Louis’ childhood photos were.

“What in god’s green earth, Louis?” Harry cackled, falling backward onto the bed, holding a framed photo of Louis in a movie theater that he took off of Louis’ dresser. Louis rolled his eyes. He didn’t even remember putting it there, he didn’t even remember that photo being framed because it was _god awful_. 

“Harry,” Louis whined, trying to snatch it from him. “Give it!” he laughed, climbing onto the twin-sized bed that Harry was laying on, his arm extended away from Louis and his other hand on Louis’ chest, trying to keep him away.

“No! I want this, I’m taking it back to our dorm and putting it next to my bed,” Harry snorted, starting to drool from how hard he was laughing. Louis was trying to bite back his laughter to show his annoyance, but he could stop the small giggles and chuckles that came out as he shoved Harry’s hand off of his chest and grabbed his wrist, reaching over to grab the other one so that he could grab the photo frame. Louis looked down at Harry, his eyes shining and he had to keep sucking in breaths to stop the drool from coming out of his mouth, and if it was anybody else, Louis would find that absolutely disgusting, but since it was Harry, he just wanted to kiss him instead. Louis held Harry’s wrist out of the way, trying his best to lean over his body to grab the stupid photo without swinging his other leg around Harry’s body. Louis laughed, his fingers brushing the frame before he lost his balance on his knees and fell with a loud yelp, landing on his tummy right on top of Harry. Louis laughed, though, didn’t even bother to scramble to push himself off of Harry because Harry was laughing too, and when Louis released his grip on his wrist his hand fell on the small of Louis’ back right above his bum. Louis felt sparks run up his spine, his body feeling warm from head to toe at the gentle touch and the sound of Harry’s laughter and gasping in his ear. 

He reached to grab the photo frame out of Harry’s hand, lifting his head up off of where it was resting on Harry’s collarbone. He looked at Harry who had his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, his face flushed red from the laughter, and his body still shaking slightly with the quiet giggles that he subsided into. Louis pushed himself up on his elbows so that he wasn’t putting all of his weight on Harry (even though he weighed nothing), and he reached over to put the frame on his bedside table. Harry was still giggling when Louis turned his attention back to Harry, and Louis just breathed out a laugh, staring down at the green-eyed boy, who’s eyes were softening as his chest heaved. Louis’ smile faltered a bit, his lips parting, but it was still there, his eyes flicking between Harry’s eyes and the rest of his face. Louis felt his tummy getting all fluttery again, his eyes flicking down to look at Harry’s pink lips when he released his bottom lip from between his teeth. His heart was beating so hard in his chest, he could’ve sworn that it was going to fall out, and Harry’s chest was pressed against his, so he could feel that Harry’s heart was beating in time with his own. 

“Um,” Harry giggled again, and Louis’ face broke into a wide smile, a laugh falling from his mouth too. Louis dropped his forehead down onto Harry’s, and Harry looked up into Louis’ eyes, his lips parted, hot breath hitting Louis’ face and tickling his nose. 

He could feel Harry’s other hand lingering on his shoulder, but he didn’t move from where he was, just continued looking into Harry’s eyes. 

_Just kiss him_ , he thought to himself. _Just tell him now, say you love him, tell him. Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him-_

Louis’ thoughts were cut off by a knock at the door, and in a panic he shot himself off of Harry and fell on the floor, causing Harry to wheeze so hard he started coughing, but he tried to laugh anyways through his coughing. Louis' whole body was still feeling hot from whatever the hell just happened between him and Harry, but he cleared his throat and called “Yes?” shooting Harry a glare for laughing at him. 

“We’re all ready to watch the movie, if you guys are done making out,” Daisy’s voice came through the door, and another wheeze came from Harry as Louis got off of the ground, his face flushing red in embarrassment. 

Louis went to go open the door, looking at Daisy with a glare before poking her on the forehead, making her swat his hand away and groan. “Go make some popcorn,” he suggested. “Haz and I will be down in a bit, I need to yell at him for laughing at me when I fell off the bed-”

“You laughed at me when I cut my leg the other day while skating!” Harry protested, and Louis couldn’t help but laugh too.

He was just so fucking happy. 

“You suck, that’s why-”

“Oh my god,” Daisy groaned. “I don’t want to be in the middle of this weird argument, I’ll be downstairs with the girls,” she waved them off without another word, not even giving Louis a chance to argue with her. Harry was still curled into himself, giggling, one of his many ugly Christmas jumpers riding up his tummy, and Louis smiled, his eyes following him. 

“Up, come on,” Louis laughed, walking over to Harry and grabbing his ankle and pulling, making Harry yelp as he began to drag him off of the bed. 

“I’m gonna get a concussion!” Harry squealed, and Louis guffawed, dropping his ankle when he was half off of the bed. 

“Jesus, yeti boy, just get up!” he whined, not wanting to pull him off of the bed himself. 

Harry was still chuckling, getting up off of the bed and stumbling clumsily. Louis just smiled at him. _Clutz_. 

The pair made their way down the stairs after shutting off the light, still bickering about which one of them laughs more when the other gets hurt (because of course, they laughed at each other, which always made the pain go away). 

“Are we still watching a sappy movie?” Louis questioned, sitting down on the recliner and pulling the lever so the foot rest came out. Naturally, Harry followed and crawled on top of the recliner as well, settling between Louis’ legs and pressing his head against his shoulder. Louis’ arm wrapped around his waist, the other resting on his knee as they both turned their heads towards the girls. 

“Mhm,” Fizzy hummed, nodding as she turned on the TV and popped a little piece of popcorn into her mouth. “Sappys better.”

“‘S not, but alright,” Louis grumbled, and Harry slapped him on the chest. 

“Nobody asked for your opinion, fuckhead,” he muttered, and Louis raised one of his hands to tug on his curl. Harry whined, slapping his hand away and glaring at him.

Lottie giggled, turning her head towards them with a raised eyebrow. “You two bicker so much, it’s kind of cute.”

Harry shrugged. “He may be my boyfriend, but I hate him,” he mumbled, his finger tracing shapes absentmindedly against Louis’ jumper. Louis blushed a bit, leaning down to press a kiss against his temple.

“You’re stuck with me,” Louis smiled against his skin, and Harry scoffed. 

“I’d sell you for a cheese puff, please,” he rolled his eyes.

They both knew Harry didn’t hate him. 

The girls were all chattering when the movie started, and Harry joined in as well. They honestly weren’t even paying attention to the movie, just gossiping and talking about boys.

( _“Lottie, please don’t talk about that story-” “It’s not my fault you ripped your pants during your prom.” “Louis, you’re a disaster.” “Harry, if you don’t shut up, you’re sleeping on the floor.”_ )

When the movie was over, they were all still chatting, and they didn’t even get to understand the plot because they were way too busy with each other. It was nice, being with his siblings again, and Louis was glad he got to share it with Harry. (Even if they did embarrass him with his prom story.)

But the girls were all getting a bit tired by the time that the clock hit 12 a.m., and Harry and Louis were all cozy on the recliner, a blanket over them because Harry was starting to shiver. Louis wasn’t cold because of Harry’s body heat on top of him, thankfully. But the girls were starting to head up, saying their I love yous to each other and to Louis (even to Harry, which Harry didn’t know how to react to, but Louis knew they understood). The TV was off and the room was dimly lit because of the lamp. Harry was still snuggled against Louis’ face in the crook of his neck and his hand was playing with Louis’ jumper. Louis had his hand in Harry’s hair, carding through it slowly, his breath hitting Harry’s forehead. 

Friends do that, right?

“You okay?” Louis questioned after a few moments of silence, and Harry hummed, pulling the blanket closer to them.

“I’m tired,” he yawned, his nose hitting Louis’ neck. Louis felt his breath hitch, and he tried to cover it up with a yawn when he felt Harry’s hand on his chest. Louis chuckled, turning his head slightly to crane his neck and check the time.

“S getting late,” he stated softly. “Wanna go upstairs now?” he questioned, and Harry shook his head, his nose brushing Louis’ neck again. 

“Can we stay here for a bit? ‘M comfy.”

“Okay, Harry.”

Louis continued to drag his fingernails across Harry’s scalp gently, his heart beating slowly but steadily. It felt nice to be there, comfy and warm with Harry in his arms.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Harry sighed loudly, lifting his head up from Louis’ shoulder and looking at him with sleepy eyes. 

“Your family makes me feel more at home than my own does, mate, I pinky promise I’m okay,” he reassured, his hand running down Louis’ chest before he raised his pinky to link it with Louis’. Louis felt his stomach erupt in butterflies at the gentle touch, his abs contracting at the touch. Louis just nodded at him, giving him a smile before pulling him back down. Harry relaxed into his arms, pushing his face in the crook of his neck again. They stayed completely silent, besides Louis’ soft humming and Harry sniffling every now and then.

Harry made Louis’ heart feel like it was going to pop out of his chest, but he loved it.

Harry ended up falling asleep right there in Louis’ lap, and Louis didn’t mind it one bit, even if his legs were going numb and his back was starting to hurt. He didn’t mind it. Harry was happy, that’s all he cared about. 

So he fell asleep too, inhaling Harry’s sweet cinnamon scent and holding his warm body against his own. And before he fell asleep, he decided that he really, _really_ wanted to keep Harry in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was it? are y'all good? do u have cavities from the sweetness?????? I DO. 
> 
> taylor swift's new album is amazing i love it so much go stream evermore!!!
> 
> anyways, i love yall!
> 
> leave feedback babesss
> 
> word count: 7, 855
> 
> <3
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	8. hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why are you acting like that, jeez, you’re being a prick,” Harry scoffed, leaning his back against the door and looking to the side, his eyes scanning the shower curtain decorated with different colored polka dots. 
> 
> Louis sighed loudly, making Harry’s head snap up to look at him. He watched Louis spit out his toothpaste before he turned his head to look at him, palms resting against the bathroom counter. “Harry, I’m serious, just leave it-”
> 
> “I’m not gonna leave it because you’re gonna hold in your feelings and be all upset all day and-”
> 
> “You say that like you fucking know me,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII!  
> a few things before we begin.  
> 1: harry gets sensory overload because of his anxiety and since he also has asthma his hyperventilating made him have an asthma attack.  
> 2: THERE'S SMUTTT you can skip if u want  
> 3: somebody asked about louis’ depression! so louis’ depression is there, but he masks it well (as people with depression do) so nobody asks. but it’s more evident in this chapter with the way he reacts to what harry says and the way his mood drops rapidly after what harry says to him. it’ll come up more in the next few chapters. i just thought i’d explain.
> 
> ok enjoy!  
> song of the ch: Hurts So Good - Astrid
> 
> also im sorry for this

Light poured in through the windows, hitting Harry’s face and unpleasantly forcing him awake. An irritated groan left Harry’s throat as went to pull the blanket closer to himself, trying to make himself comfortable. There was a stupid crick in his neck and sharp pain in his lower back from the weird position he was laying in. Harry cracked one eye open, looking around. He noticed that he wasn’t in Louis’ childhood bedroom, but his family’s the living room, and he also noticed that they weren’t on a bed but on the recliner, the foot rest pushed up so that Louis’ legs were stretched out. Harry was laying on top of him, his head resting in the crook of his neck, and Louis’ head was resting on top of his own, cheek pressed into Harry’s curls and soft snores filling his ears. A lazy smile made its way across Harry’s face as he tried to untuck his head from where it was laying, not wanting to wake Louis as he switched positions because of how fucking uncomfortable he was. 

Eventually, though, Louis picked his own head up and laid it back against the recliner, his mouth falling open slightly. Harry tried his hardest to hold in his chuckle as he slowly tried his best to turn his body over and lay his head on Louis’ other shoulder. Louis’ grip tightened on his waist, his arms wrapping tightly as he pulled Harry closer. Harry sighed in exasperation, turning his head to look at Louis, who had his eyes half open, sleepily. 

“Stop fucking moving, oh my god, I’m trying to sleep,” Louis snarled, and Harry snorted, trying to get up off of Louis.

“Let me get up then, I’m uncomfortable,” Harry laughed, trying to pry Louis’ arms off of him. “You’re like a bloody octopus, for god’s sake, how are you not uncomfortable?”

“Because you’re keeping me warm, now come lay down and sleep-”  
“Technically, we aren’t _laying_ , we’re sitting,” Harry pointed out, finally getting Louis’ arms off of him and sitting up. Louis was looking at him with a grumpy pout on his face, and Harry couldn’t help but smile, his eyes softening at the sight. Louis’ hair was a mess and his face was puffy from sleep, his lips as well. His voice was still rough and scratchy as well, warming Harry’s heart and making his tummy swirl. 

Louis made a fake crying noise, throwing his head back. “Just shut the fuck up, jesus,” Louis whined, and Harry let out a laugh, getting up off of Louis’ lap. 

“Come on,” Harry sighed, reaching his hands out for Louis to grab. Louis just looked at him, eyes narrowed into a glare. 

“No.”

Harry sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Up. We’re gonna go upstairs,” he stated, grabbing Louis’ hands, which were shockingly warm, in his own, but Louis’ hands went limp around his own and his arms fell back to his sides. He shrugged, looking up at Harry with a smirk. 

“No,” Louis repeated, his smirk falling as a yawn escaped his lips. “I’m comfy.”

Harry shut his eyes in frustration, taking a deep breath. “You are so god damn insufferable, holy fuck,” Harry grumbled under his breath. Louis started giggling, and Harry opened his eyes to see Louis with his head thrown back and his tongue between his teeth as he giggled. Warmth spread through his chest at the sight of Louis’ bright smile and his eyes all crinkled up, giggles spilling from his pink lips. His eyes softened a bit, and he tilted his head to the side as he watched him giggle. 

Harry shook his head, shaking himself out of his little lovesick daze, and he walked closer to Louis and tugged the blanket off of him, laughing when Louis yelped at the cold air that suddenly hit his body. 

“What the fuck, dude?” Louis hissed, and Harry didn’t say anything, just moved closer and tucked one arm underneath Louis’ knees and the other arm under his armpits and hefted him up into his arms, ignoring Louis’ protests of “put me down, you yeti,” and “oh my god, why.” Harry giggled, holding the smaller boy tightly in his arms and heading towards the staircase. 

“Why are you carrying me?” Louis asked, a whiny tone in his voice. Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance, stopping at the bottom of the staircase.

“Stop whining, for god’s sake, or you’re gonna be walking up these stairs instead of being carried by a big, strong Harry,”

Louis threw his head back, snorting. “Big and strong my ass, you bust your ass doing everything,”

Harry giggled, starting to make his way up the stairs with Louis in his arms, who was moving closer to press his head into his chest. Harry felt his heart skip a beat, but he scoffed anyway. “I said strong, not graceful, idiot,” he huffed. “Strong and graceful are not synonyms.”

“You’re a synonym,” Louis grumbled, his nose rubbing against Harry’s chest. Louis weighed practically nothing, and that slightly shocked Harry. Louis had the fastest metabolism he’d ever seen. Or maybe those theatre dances he did at rehearsal made him stay tiny. Harry didn’t know, but it didn’t matter. He just wanted to hold Louis a little longer.

“Louis, you can’t use that word as an insult, it makes no sense,” Harry grumbled under his breath when he got to the top of the stairs. 

“Shh,” Louis hushed him, putting his finger up against Harry’s lips. “Peasants don’t get to speak,” he giggled, and Harry gasped, then bit Louis’ finger, earning a squeak from him. “Did you just fucking bite me?” Louis exclaimed, and Harry nodded, small laughs leaving his mouth as he pushed open Louis’ bedroom door with his foot and walked inside with him before walking towards the bed and dropping Louis on it with no warning, making the mattress creak and the headboard shake a bit. Louis gasped, erupting in another fit of giggles, his hands coming to clutch his stomach.

“Dear god, shut up,” Harry huffed, shoving him over and pulling the comforter from under him. “It’s 7 a.m., I need some more sleep, stop fucking laughing,” he stated, putting the comforter over the both of them and curling his body away from Louis, shutting his eyes. The room was way warmer than the living room, so Harry hummed comfortably and felt his body relax until he heard a hum behind him and felt arms snaking around his waist, and he let out a little whine.

“Get off, you octopus,” Harry teased, but he snuggled back into Louis’ warm chest anyways. “Jesus, you’re annoying, I feel bad for your next girlfriend,” he laughed, and he heard Louis’ breath hitching in his throat and his hands freezing where they lay on his tummy. Harry felt his heart drop a bit at Louis' tense attitude all of a sudden, and he put his hand on top of Louis’. 

Harry opened his mouth to speak, then bit the inside of his cheek and breathed out slowly, feeling his chest getting tight and his tummy getting all squeamish. Louis pulled his hand from under Harry’s, curling into himself. He felt his throat getting all choked up, and he turned over to see Louis’ back, just hearing soft breathing. He felt his hands shaking all of a sudden, not really understanding why Louis was all of a sudden upset with him, and he felt a soft noise erupt in his own throat, almost like a whimper.

But Louis didn’t say anything. 

“Lou-”

“Go back to sleep, Harry,”

Harry just nodded, turning back over slowly with tears stinging his eyes, wondering what he did and where he went wrong. 

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Sleeping with anxiety was quite literally the hardest thing for Harry. Thoughts racked his brain and his heart was racing. He hadn’t had a serious anxiety attack in awhile, not with Louis there to sit him down and talk him through it. He hadn’t had time to sit down and be distracted by his own anxious thoughts because Louis talked so goddamn much that it didn’t happen as often. He mostly got anxious when he was around people, but Louis had been telling him to take deep breaths and he reminded him that most people don’t think that deeply into the way you’re acting if you’re nice, which helped him so much. He’d learned how to talk to people and how to control his anxiety, and if his thoughts spiraled, he should talk.

But the only problem was that the only two people he felt genuinely comfortable talking to were unavailable. Niall was in Ireland at a wedding, and well, Louis was just sleeping and being extremely closed off for some reason that Harry didn’t understand. Ever since he mentioned having a girlfriend he’d been weird with him. He didn’t even want to cuddle, which confused and bothered Harry even more because Louis cuddled him even when he was being obnoxious. 

To put it simply, Harry’s anxiety was shooting through the roof and he didn’t know who to call to talk to because normally, talking is what calmed him down from his anxiety. 

And that’s how he ended up sitting on the floor in Louis’ bathroom, his back against the tub, and Zayn’s calming voice coming through the phone. He and Zayn didn’t talk much, they hung out a few times with Louis and Liam and texted memes back and forth, but otherwise Zayn didn’t know him too well, so it was odd that Harry called him out of all people, but maybe he would understand because Zayn also had anxiety. 

“Is everything okay, dude? You don’t sound great,” Zayn’s voice came out in a concerned tone, and Harry swallowed thickly at the sound. 

“Just, um,” he breathed out slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to push away the nauseous feeling. “Louis is mad at me for some reason and-and I feel like I’m gonna have an anxiety attack and my best friend is at a wedding and-”

“Breathe, Harry,” Zayn reminded, and Harry squeezed his eyes shut, his ears starting to ring as he tried to steady his breathing. “Can you tell me about your favorite disney princess?” Zayn questioned, and Harry furrowed his eyebrows but didn’t ask because he didn’t want to argue.

“Mhm,” Harry hummed, his free hand reaching up to tangle in his curls. “I-um,” his voice shook, his heart rate speeding up. “I really like, um, Rapunzel,” he got out through deep breaths and stutters.

Zayn hummed, and Harry heard rustling through the phone and assumed he was turning over on his bed. “What’s your favorite song from there? I like Mother Knows Best, Mother Gothel is pretty dope,”

“She was mean,” Harry sniffled. “She kept Rapunzel locked up and almost killed Eugene.”

Zayn snorted. “You actually call him Eugene instead of Flynn?”

Harry felt a small smile tugging at his lips. “His name is Eugene and his fake name was Flynn,” a shaky laugh fell from his lips. “And I See the Light was pretty,” he wondered aloud.

“It was really pretty, I liked the lanterns,” Zayn replied, and Harry could hear his smile. He smiled as well. “Do you think you’re okay to talk? You don’t have to tell me what happened, but I’ll listen,” he offered. “I know my best friend is a prick.”

Harry couldn’t help but chuckle at Zayn’s little insult, and he rubbed at his eyes. He didn’t really know what to tell Zayn, since Zayn was supposed to think that they were in a relationship, so he sucked his cheek in and tried to think of a lie. “I mentioned El because we were play fighting,” he started, taking a breath. He wasn’t exactly _lying_ , he did bring up a girl. “And I was like I don’t know how she dealt with you for so long because you’re really fucking annoying.” Harry hoped that Zayn wouldn’t be able to figure out his little white lie. 

Zayn just sighed loudly through the phone, a little chuckle leaving his lips as well. Harry felt a little calmer at that point, which he appreciated greatly. He liked that Zayn wasn’t making him feel stupid for his anxiety, which was always his biggest fear.

Anxiety was the worst thing, in Harry’s opinion.

“Are you sure that’s what you said? Your voice goes up when you’re lying,” Zayn pointed out, and Harry’s jaw dropped in pure shock. 

“How do you even know that?!” he questioned, his voice squeaking with the tone.

Zayn just laughed again, and Harry had his eyes trained on the cabinet in front of him, looking at the outlines of the wood to keep his thoughts in line.

“Louis tells me everything, Harry, and he tells me when you lie to him, your voice goes like 2 octaves higher than it is. It’s the inflection, I can hear it,” he explained, and Harry scoffed.

“You sound like a pretentious English professor.”

Zayn snorted, and Harry laughed as well, his eyes crinkling a little bit. He liked talking to Zayn.

“But I think you should know something, Harry,” Zayn cleared his throat, and Harry hummed in confusion. Louis already tells him everything that Zayn tells him, and he hoped Zayn wasn’t about to explain something he already knew the story to. He braced himself, though, his breath stopping in his throat, making the whole room feel still and quiet with the suspense. 

“I, uh,” Zayn paused, breathing out slowly. “I know, you know?” he said quietly, and Harry furrowed his eyebrows.

“About?” he questioned, not catching on to whatever Zayn was trying to imply.

“You and Lou,” he dragged out a bit, and Harry just felt even more confused. “Like, that he loves you and stuff?”

Harry chuckled awkwardly, his face turning a bit pink and his tummy feeling warm and swirly at the sound of those words. “He’s my boyfriend, but I didn’t know he loved me…” he trailed off, picking at his pajama pants with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. 

There was an awkward pause of silence between the two through the phone, and Harry could practically feel the phone static. But he couldn’t feel weird about it. Not after Zayn just said that Louis loved him.

_Louis loved him._

He actually, really did. Louis loved him. He didn’t have to talk about Harry to Zayn, didn’t have to tell him anything, but he did. It was shocking, though, because he thought that Louis was the straightest person he ever met, but apparently not. Louis actually loved him.

“No, mate,” Zayn sighed. “How do I say this,” he mumbled, more to himself than to Harry. Harry furrowed his eyebrow, his hand coming up to rest on his own chest. He was glad that it was still way too early in the morning and nobody was awake, so he still had time to sit in the bathroom and talk to Zayn before Louis got up. 

“I know you two aren’t actually together, I can read Louis like an open book, and-“

“You what?!” Harry squeaked, his eyes widening and eyebrows jumping up to his hairline. He felt his breathing quicken, his heart rate as well. His whole face started to burn with the thought that Louis actually might have _told_ him-

“Louis is a good actor, but he’s a bad liar. I know him better than I know anyone, and I could tell something was off, but he doesn’t even know that I know-“

“You haven’t told him that you know?” Harry whisper screamed, now afraid that Louis might be awake to hear him. 

“No!” Zayn whisper screamed back, mocking Harry, and somehow making him smile despite the nerves that made their way back into his tummy. “He looks so happy I’m kinda scared that if I tell him I know he’s gonna call everything off early and I just wanna see him happy,” he explained, and a crooked smile settled on his own lips. “Eleanor didn’t make him happy, Harry, _you_ make him happy. He probably got upset because-“

“I told him I feel bad for his future girlfriend.”

“Well, that would explain a lot,” Zayn chuckled. “He doesn’t _want_ a girlfriend, he wants _you_.” 

Harry felt his heart skip a beat at his words, his breath hitching in disbelief. “How do you know?” he breathed out softly. “How did you know it wasn’t real? I thought we were doing pretty well, even his mum and siblings were quite convinced.” He genuinely was shocked that Zayn didn’t believe it. 

“I’m just observant,” he chuckled. “But just,” he sighed, and Harry listened carefully. “Just go and cuddle him, and if you’re around his family give him a few kisses since I know you guys don’t kiss in private because Louis thinks you don’t love him back-”

“He what?!” Harry squeaked out. “He can’t be that dense-”

“Harry you need to talk to him about it, not me, okay?” he sighed. “It’s something you guys need to discuss.”

“But Zayn,” Harry whined. “I don’t wanna, he’s really mad at me and he’s not gonna want to talk,” he argued, his lips turning downward into a small frown. If there’s one thing Harry hated more than his anxiety, it was confrontation. Sure he enjoyed talking to Louis about his feelings, but not his feelings _about_ Louis.

“If you guys don’t talk things out, both of you are gonna end up in a worse situation,” Zayn explained. “So please? You can text me after if you want, you know I don’t mind.”

“But-”

Before Harry could speak, there was a knock out the door and a rapsy voice, and Harry jumped at the sound before it registered as Louis’. 

“Harry, are you in there? You weren’t in bed, is everything okay?”

“I gotta go,” he said quickly to Zayn, pressing the end button and clearing his throat a little, wiping his hands on his pants. Harry let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes tightly, looking at the door. “I’m fine, I was brushing my teeth and then Ni called me and I didn’t wanna come into your room and wake you so I stayed in here,” he lied, thickly swallowing before pushing himself off of the floor and placing his hand on the knob and turning it slowly, knowing he was going to have to open the door anyways to see Louis. Harry nibbled on the inside of his lip when he opened the door, his eyes landing on a messy haired, puffy faced Louis. He tried his hardest to not swoon and grab him by the waist to kiss him until his lips turned blue.

“Hi,” Harry breathed out, minty breath hitting Louis in the face. Louis looked up at him blankly, not even giving him a smile, and his heart twisted painfully in his chest. He felt choked up all of a sudden, the tension between them growing as Louis just blinked up at him silently and didn’t say a word. 

“I have to brush my teeth,” Louis whispered, pushing past Harry to go into the bathroom, and Harry furrowed his eyebrows at him, scoffing slightly. Now he didn’t even know if he wanted to cry or slap Louis for being a dick out of nowhere.

“Asshole,” Harry muttered, stepping into the bathroom with Louis shutting the bathroom door, looking at him with his eyebrows knitted together. 

Louis glanced over at him with his toothbrush in his mouth, looking Harry in the eyes with irritation. Harry looked at him with his eyebrows raised as if to prompt him to speak.

“Well, are you gonna speak-”

“Can I brush my teeth in peace, please?” Louis glared at him sharply, and Harry took in a sharp breath, his eyes trained on the blue eyed boy in front of him who all of a sudden seemed so cold that it gave him shivers and made his heart wrench in his chest. 

“Why are you acting like that, jeez, you’re being a prick,” Harry scoffed, leaning his back against the door and looking to the side, his eyes scanning the shower curtain decorated with different colored polka dots. 

Louis sighed loudly, making Harry’s head snap up to look at him. He watched Louis spit out his toothpaste before he turned his head to look at him, palms resting against the bathroom counter. “Harry, I’m serious, just leave it-”

“I’m not gonna leave it because you’re gonna hold in your feelings and be all upset all day and-”

“You say that like you fucking know me,” Louis muttered harshly, and Harry made a small shocked noise at Louis, who’s face softened a bit because of the hurt expression painted across Harry’s. The words hit Harry like a punch in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. He made a soft noise of hurt, staring at Louis as his face fell, his eyes welling up with tears. But he didn’t take it back, he stood his ground. He didn’t even say anything else, continued to brush his teeth, and Harry felt his chest stinging with pain.

 _You say that like you fucking know me_.

So Harry didn’t reply to him, just opened the door and stepped out, not even giving Louis another glance. He walked back into Louis’ room, eyes scanning the walls and all across the photos and posters he had up. Harry let the tears spill out of his eyes, but he bit harder on his lip to suppress the whimpers that threatened to spill out. It was around 8:40 a.m. last time he checked his phone, and he really hoped nobody was awake to see him cry. 

He just felt so fucking _stupid_ . Of _course,_ Harry told Zayn that he was in love with him, that was supposed to be part of the plan. They’re supposed to think that. God, Harry couldn’t believe that he actually fell for all of Louis’ sweet boy bullshit. He fell for all of his shit, trusted him, let him sway him into trusting him. He thought maybe this would work out for him. Maybe for once life will be on his side and Louis actually did love him, but no. Louis was still the same self-centered prick that Harry met on his first day of school.

Harry sat on the bed, his tears falling onto the bed sheets and leaving little wet droplets. _He couldn’t believe he actually let himself fall for Louis._ Harry’s body felt cold and his tummy felt weird and twisty, but not in a good way. In an anxious kind of way, a way that made him feel like he was going to throw up or start hyperventilating. His hands felt all shaky and his chest felt weak and _god_ it hurt so bad. He couldn’t believe he _trusted_ Louis not to hurt him. He didn’t even know why he felt so betrayed, it was a fucking deal and he wasn’t supposed to fall in love in the first place. So technically, this was his fault.

He was so angry at himself.

The door opened not too long after, and he didn’t even look up because he knew what Louis’ cologne smelled like so he knew he was in the room. He felt his chest getting tighter and his breathing start to quicken, suddenly starting to feel a little more anxious at his presence. 

_Breathe_ , he tried to remind himself. He whimpered, digging his fingernails into his arm harshly, trying to ground himself.

“Harry-”

“Stop it,” Harry breathed out shakily, not even lifting his head. “Leave me alone-”

“You’re gonna have an asthma attack if you keep breathing like that, let me help you,” Louis said sternly, and Harry violently shook his head, his ears beginning to ring when Louis shut the door.

“No!” Harry said a bit louder, and Louis shushed him. Harry brought his hands up to cover his ears, the noise sounding louder than it probably was. “Don’t touch me, don’t touch me,” Harry repeated twice, curling away from Louis who was slowly walking closer to him. He turned away, his fingers moving up to tug at his hair and Louis shushed him gently. Harry moved away from him when the bed dipped, his back now against the wall.

“Harry, let me-”

“No, please,” Harry wheezed out, and he started to feel like his throat was closing up.

“Harry let me help you, Jesus,” Louis snapped, and Harry’s hands pulled harder at his own hair wincing at the sound and crying harder in response to it. “Ha-” Louis started, but he cut himself off with a sigh, crawling closer and sitting down next to him. Harry could feel the body heat radiating off of Louis, but he didn’t want to curl into him for once. “Can you tell me about your least favorite customers at work?” he questioned, and Harry wheezed once more, coughing after.

“Okay, okay,” Louis sighed, getting off of the bed. Harry could hear him rummaging through his bag, and he heard Louis speak up again. “Come on, tell me how much you hate chocolate scone lady,” Louis pushed. 

Harry tried his best to speak through his wheezing, the hyperventilating triggered his asthma and now he was having trouble. “She-she um,” Harry coughed. “She’s really s-snobby and, um,” Harry explained, feeling the bed dip beside him again and he heard Louis shaking something before popping something open. “She always asks for them to be a certain temperature and if it’s not she gets angry with me and yells at me,” Harry said weakly, and Louis hummed.

“Open your mouth, you’re not breathing properly,” he said, gentler than he had before. Harry didn’t have the energy to argue, now feeling dizzy from the lack of oxygen, so he opened his mouth and allowed Louis to put his asthma pump between his lips. “Okay, I’m gonna press it. Breathe in,” he instructed, and Harry did as he was told, holding his breath when the albuterol got into his lungs. Louis counted to ten for him, and Harry breathed out before letting Louis do it again, counting once again.  
Harry slowed his breathing down, but he still had tears rolling down his face, fast and warm when they rolled under his chin and salty when they fell onto his lips. 

“Harry-”

“I don’t wanna talk to you,” Harry choked out hoarsely, and Louis audibly gulped. 

“Please, let me-”

“You’re an asshole, I don’t want to talk to you,” Harry repeated, and Louis didn’t say anything, just sat back on his legs and breathed out slowly. 

“I’m sorry for being mean to you, it was uncalled for and unnecessary,” he spoke gently, and Harry lifted his head, the tears still falling. Louis’ face looked sincere and apologetic, but how could Harry trust that? He just nodded, wiping his own tears off of his face with the heel of his hand. His heart was still hurting and he still felt anxious and his ears were still ringing, but he couldn’t do anything about that.

“I don’t want,” he took a deep breath, coughing before looking away and focusing on the stickers on the headboard so he could continue. “I don’t want you to touch me unless you have to, okay? This whole thing is over as soon as we leave here,” he said harshly, and Louis’ breath hitched audibly, but Harry couldn’t bring himself to feel angry. 

“Harry-”

“Say you won’t touch me or talk to me unless you have to,” Harry grumbled. He wasn’t going to let himself fall harder in love with some stupid asshole with blue eyes. He wasn’t going to let himself get more hurt than he already was. 

Louis nodded, swallowing. “I won’t. I pinky-”

“No pinky promises,” Harry mumbled, his own heart breaking at the words.

“Okay, I promise.”

There was a knock at the door not a minute later, and Fizzy’s voice came through the door. “Hey, guys! We’re gonna have breakfast and hot cocoa and decorate the tree. Come downstairs, mum needs some help.”

“Be down in a minute!” Louis called back, glancing at Harry, who was looking back at him with red ringed eyes and a tear stained face. “Do you wanna wash your face before we go down?”

Harry just nodded without a word, getting up off of the bed on shaky legs and walking into the bathroom, shutting the door and taking a deep breath. He walked over to the mirror, looking at himself, seeing how puffy and red he was. “Fuck,” he huffed out before leaning down, splashing some water on his face.

Harry poked his head back into Louis’ room to tell him that they should probably head downstairs now, and Louis just looked at him and nodded, eyes empty. It made Harry’s heart ache, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Instead, he took a deep breath, preparing him for having to kiss Louis when he went downstairs.

So Louis followed closely behind him as the two jogged down the stairs, sniffles still leaving Harry’s nose and his legs still feeling like jelly from his attack, except now he was shaking more because of the albuterol. They got down the stairs, and Harry was looking down at the floor until there were three different pitches of squealing coming from the couch, which caused Harry’s head to snap up to look where they were coming from. 

Fizzy, Lottie, and Daisy were all squealing and looking at Louis and Harry with their hands over their mouths. Harry furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, looking down at his clothes and then back up at the girls. 

“Is there something on my-”

“You’re under the mistletoe!” Daisy pointed out, looking at Harry with bright eyes and a wide smile. Harry’s mouth dropped open slightly, his throat going dry at the thought of kissing Louis after whatever the _fuck_ happened that morning. Harry let out a soft noise, looking at Louis, who was giving him an apologetic smile.

“Cmere, then, baby,” Louis mumbled, and Harry could physically feel his heart breaking at the words and the feeling of Louis’ hands squeezing his waist when he pulled him closer. Harry felt a lump in his throat again, his hands starting to shake once again as he cupped Louis’ cheeks, bringing their lips together in a slow but deep kiss under the mistletoe, butterflies filling his tummy at the feeling of Louis’ thin and slightly chapped lips moving against his own gently. While the butterflies were going wild though, he still felt his heart aching at the thought that he would never get to do this again after New Years. He would never get to kiss Louis, they probably wouldn’t be close anymore either. 

In Harry’s mind, Louis was just being kind to him so that the deal would be easier. He was only being kind to gain his trust to make him more comfortable. He was only doing it for himself, and Harry got lost in it when he probably shouldn’t have. It was his fault. His fault for falling for a straight boy, his fault for falling for a dickhead, his fault for falling for Louis.

He didn’t mean to.

Harry pulled away, a small string of saliva connecting their lips, his eyes meeting Louis’ blue ones. His eyes seemed a bit darker, and Harry knew it was because he was in a mood. They always did that. Harry’s eyes were searching Louis’, his thumbs pressed into his face still because he just _didn’t want to let go_. He wanted to continue kissing him, wanted to savor his taste and smell and the feeling. 

“Gross,” Lottie mumbled, breaking the trace that Louis and Harry seemed to be caught in, both of them looking up before hesitantly pulling away from each other. “We said kiss,” she continued, and Fizzy scoffed.

“Not make out,” she finished, and Harry’s face flushed red as he stepped away from Louis. He felt like he was going to start crying, but he couldn’t, he really couldn’t. Fortunately for him, Daisy ran over and grabbed his wrist, tugging him over to the tree and making him giggle a little bit, the stinging feeling in his eyes going away. 

“Come on! Let’s go put some ornaments up.”

And Harry did.

⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅

Christmas eve was never fun for Harry, like ever. He never enjoyed it, never had fun, he always ended up crying by the end of the night because of his parents arguing. He assumed this year would be different though, maybe he could actually drink hot cocoa and make a snowman, have a snowball fight, and cuddle with Louis in front of the window to watch the snow, but that wasn’t exactly the case.

It wasn’t the case because now Louis had a bunch of his childhood friends over to celebrate his birthday with his family, dancing and music and dinner and all, and Harry felt too anxious and angry at Louis to stay glued to his side the whole time like Louis had told him to earlier. There were just _so many fucking people_ and despite the amount of alcohol in his system and his foggy brain, he was still feeling shaky and he didn’t want to talk to anybody. 

Of course, he wished Louis a happy birthday when they woke up, but it was an awkward scene considering the fact that Harry made him a gift from scratch, thoughtful and sweet and kind of romantic.

_“Morning,” Harry mumbled, already sitting up in the bed with the wrapped gift in his hands. “And happy birthday,” Harry said softly. Louis groaned, his voice raspy when he sat up and said_

_“What’s that?” Louis shifted, pulling the blankets to cover him up to his hips. Harry shrugged, trying his hardest not to look at Louis._

_“Made you a gift about two weeks ago, and I figured you should have it,” he murmured, finger tracing over the blue and green wrapping paper around the square gift. He took in a shaky breath. “Don’t open it now, though,” he instructed, placing the gift gently in Louis’ lap, eyes focused on the blanket so that he wouldn’t have to meet Louis’ eyes._

_Louis placed his hands on the gift, his fingers wrapping around it so that he could bring it up to his ear, shaking it, but no sound came out. “Can’t I open it now?”_

_Harry vehemently shook his head. “I don’t wanna be here when you do,” he said, swallowing thickly. “It’s quite a lot, and I just don’t want to be here when you do, okay?” he urged, and Louis’ breath hitched. Harry lifted his head, looking at Louis, who’s small fingers were making tiny shapes in the wrapping paper._

_“You managed to wrap this?”_

_Harry bit his lip, suppressing his laugh that wanted to spill out. “Wrapped it’mself,” he said softly. “Happy birthday, Tomlinson,” he mumbled coldly, picking at the fuzz on his hoodie._

_Louis coughed awkwardly. “Back on a last name basis, I see,” he pointed out, and Harry let out a cold laugh._

_“Guess so.”_

_Awkward silence filled the space between them, the cold air hissing at the window as branches knocked at the glass. It was snowing again, coming down fast and hard and all Harry wanted to do was go and play in it with Louis, but no._

_“Okay, Harry,” Louis said softly, and Harry lifted his head to look at him._

_“Not Styles?”_

_Louis shook his head, eyes sad and dark when they made eye contact. Chills ran down Harry’s spine, his head ducking shyly because of Louis’ expression._

_“I have no reason to be angry at you, so you’re still Harry to me.”_

_Harry didn’t say anything, just nodded and looked back down at the blanket._

_“Okay.”_

Harry sniffled, the memory in his brain making his chest tight with pain. Louis was fine, it seemed, he was dancing with his friends somewhere and Harry was standing with his back against the wall, taking another large gulp of his drink. The music was filling his ears and kind of making him feel a bit out of it and dizzy as he stared at the dance floor, watching Louis’ bright smile. Harry smiled too, his smile could really light up the darkest night. Louis had a sunshine smile. It was Harry’s favorite. Despite how angry he was at Louis, Louis deserved to have a good birthday. If he didn’t love Harry back, that wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s. He couldn’t control that. 

Harry looked down at his feet, his bottom lip between his teeth and his thoughts getting a bit foggy because of the amount of alcohol he had consumed. The day after this was Christmas and they were going to be heading back to their college the day after since they got invited to Gigi’s new years party. He was glad, though, because they could tell everyone they broke up right after Christmas because Louis wasn’t feeling it and things would be fine. They would be okay. Harry wouldn’t have to talk to him, they wouldn’t have to act anymore, wouldn’t have to pretend. 

“Hey.”

Harry lifted his gaze at the sound of someone’s voice, the voice registering as Louis’. His eyes met Louis’, who’s pupils were slightly blown and his face was red and sweaty from dancing. Harry blinked a few times, his vision slightly blurred, so he brought his hand up to rub at his eyes before tilting his head at Louis. Even in his drunken state, looking at him hurt. It hurt so much. 

“Shouldn’t you be dancing?” Harry asked as quietly as he could over the music, bringing his cup to his lips and taking a sip.

Louis shrugged, breathing out a laugh. “Can’t come check on my boy?” he questioned, and Harry rolled his eyes immediately, masking his pained expression with the alcohol that burned his throat. Louis came closer, and Harry leaned closer into the wall. He looked straight ahead, though, his green eyes looking into Louis’.

It was around 11:30 p.m. at that point, and they had already cut Louis’ cake, meaning people were leaving and Louis didn’t want to dance as much because Harry knew he got tired way too early. 

“‘M not your boy,” Harry whispered softly, eyes flickering across Louis’ face. Louis had a small smile painted across his face, it looked sad though, regretful. Harry tilted his head, and he suddenly felt the need to run his thumb across his cheek gently, so he did. He lifted his hand, running his knuckle across Louis’ cheek and wiping off a bit of sweat and glitter, the glitter from the Christmas ornaments that they were hanging from the ceiling as party decorations. 

“What if I want you to be?” Louis asked softly, his hand moving slowly to rest on Harry’s waist. Harry made a soft noise of shock, putting his hand on Louis’ back. His drunken brain could barely comprehend it, but he knew Louis said he wanted him, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the alcohol, but he wanted to listen.

“Louis,” Harry breathed out. “You’re drunk, please,” he begged, looking him in the eyes. Louis stared back at him intensely, and even as drunk as he was, Harry knew the feeling it gave him; the familiar tingles and warmth. But he really couldn’t tell if the warmth was from the alcohol or from Louis' hand that was running up and down his waist and the alcohol tinted breath fanning his lips. Despite the height difference, Louis had Harry pinned up against the wall by the pressure he had on his waist, and Harry couldn’t find it in him to stop him.

Louis leaned in, and Harry leaned down, his forehead dropping to rest on Louis’ sweaty one, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Louis’ breath was fanning his lips now and his whole body felt like it was on fire. The music was now like background music, and Harry felt like he was in his own little bubble with Louis standing there, their lips barely touching but still feeling so warm and _fuck_.

“Louis,” Harry whispered, leaning forward to brush their lips, speaking against them, their alcoholic breath mingling together. “Kiss me,” he begged. “Kiss me, fuck, please kiss me- mmph-”

His words got muffled by Louis grabbing his face with one hand and pushing their lips together hard, his mouth already pushing Harry’s open. Harry felt his stomach swooping his hands immediately coming to grasp the front of Louis’ shirt. Everything around them was blurred now, the music sounding like buzzing in his head as Louis’ warm lips worked against his own. Louis tasted of straight vodka, and Harry couldn’t help himself as he pulled him closer, tilting his head and pressing his nose against his cheek and Louis made a quiet noise, his hand moving to Harry’s back, pushing his cold hand up the back of his shirt and making Harry arch against him, their hips clashing slightly. 

A gasp left Harry’s mouth, his lips parting slightly, and Louis moved the hand that was on his face to the back of his neck licking into his mouth, his tongue tracing the roof of his mouth and the back of his teeth, making Harry whine high and pretty in his throat. Harry pushed him, though, keeping their mouths pressed together with their tongues sliding soundly together. The butterflies were going crazy in his tummy, fireworks exploding behind his eyes as he pushed Louis’ chest, getting himself off of the wall. Louis pulled away for a split second, saliva on both of their lips as his eyes scanned across Harry’s face.

“What-”

“Up,” Harry murmured, pushing their lips together vehemently. “Upstairs,” he breathed out against his lips, breathing out harshly against his cheek as he licked into Louis’ mouth again, earning a soft groan from him. 

“Upstairs?” Louis breathed out against his mouth, and Harry whined impatiently.

“Upstairs, please, kiss upstairs,” he got out between kisses, not really wanting to continue their little make out session down here.

Louis didn’t even hesitate, grabbing Harry by the wrist, ignoring Harry’s squeal when he dragged him towards the stairs. Harry just ran behind him, following the smaller boy down the hallway to his bedroom. Louis dragged him in, and Harry switched the light on immediately before he kicked the door shut, his eyes meeting Louis’ for a split second before Louis threw him up against the door, his back cushioned by the hoodies on the back of the door. He moaned anyways, though, Louis’ lips meeting him in a slow and dirty kiss, tongue licking into his mouth, across the inside of his cheek, along his gums, licking the taste of alcohol out of him and Harry felt his head spinning with arousal, his hands grasping at Louis’ hips. Harry’s hands came up to cup Louis’ cheeks, his thumbs pressing into his face as his nose pressed harder into his cheek, both of them breathing hard against each other’s faces as their lips smacked, small moans and hums leaving their throats. Louis pulled away from Harry, ignoring the whines of protest leaving his mouth. Louis shushed him, murmuring something before leaning in and pressing his lips against Harry’s neck, leaving open mouthed kisses that left Harry breathless. Harry could barely comprehend what was happening as Louis’ teeth grazed his skin before his lips latched onto his neck.

“Lou,” Harry breathed out, and Louis hummed, sending vibrations against his skin as he nipped at his neck. “Please,” he breathed, his head falling back against the door as Louis bit harder at his neck, the skin beginning to tingle a little.

Louis pulled back, kissing the mark he made before kissing his way up to his ear, nipping at it and making Harry melt in his arms. “What do you want?” he questioned, and Harry furrowed his eyebrows, too drunk to even think. “Tell me. More kissing? Do you want me to touch you? Or do you want to stop? Tell me, we aren’t gonna do anything you don’t want to,” He explained, and Harry smiled a bit before he pressed his face into Louis’ neck biting on it softly and earning a moan. 

“Mmm, I’m really drunk,” Harry slurred, tongue tracing up Louis’ neck and making his breath hitch. “‘N you smell so good, fuck,” he mumbled, sucking softly on a spot, hearing Louis moan again. “Kiss me, please, feels good,” Harry mumbled softly against his neck, and Louis didn’t say anything, he just pulled Harry off of the wall in one swift motion and pushed him backward, grabbing his hips and smashing their lips together. Harry let out a soft noise as Louis led him towards the bed and the back of his knees hit the mattress before he fell backward, Louis landing on top with a soft “oof”. Harry pulled away to shuffle up onto the pillows, not wanting his legs to awkwardly dangle off of the bed, and Louis grinned at him, crawling up between his spread legs and lowering himself down, one leg between Harry’s legs.

Louis’ smile made Harry’s heart jump in his chest, and he couldn’t help but break into a smile as well, a giggle leaving his lips when Louis leaned down and pressed a kiss against his nose before leaning back down and capturing his lips in a feverish kiss, his hand pushing Harry’s shirt up and rubbing against his tummy, making Harry’s muscles contract under the cold touch. Harry moved his hips up slightly, pushing them against Louis’, and Louis gasped into his mouth, biting on Harry’s bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth as he ground downwards against Harry, their clothed cocks lining up as their moans spilled into each other’s mouths.

They were both half hard in their pants, but the way Louis moved his hips made Harry more and more aroused. Harry moved his hands from around Louis’ waist , trailing them down to his ass and gripping both of the cheeks in his palms and rolling Louis’ down harder against himself, gasping at the friction.

God, Harry didn’t want to stop, and he knew he would regret this when he was sober, but Louis was so fucking addicting and he was so hard, _fuck_.

“You’re handsy,” Louis laughed against his lips, kissing him hard, his teeth knocking against Harry’s. Louis pulled his hand out of Harry’s shirt, moving it so that it was tracing the top of his jeans. “Can I touch, baby? Or no? If you want to stop I can-”

“Please, want it, want you,” Harry begged, and Louis breathed out a laugh before leaning back down and kissing at Harry’s neck as he moved his other hand between their bodies as well, working at the button and the zipper, pushing it down and pushing one hand into his pants, fingers tracing his cock. Harry’s cock jumped at the touch, his hips jutting up as well.

“Off, take them off,” Harry whined, and Louis smirked against his neck, biting softly before sitting back on his heels and hooking his fingers in Harry’s jeans, peeling them off of his legs. “Yours too, off,” Harry ordered, and Louis didn’t say anything, just nodded and got off of the bed, unzipping his jeans and taking them off, tossing them onto the floor. 

Both of them were left in their pants, and Louis hastily climbed back on top of him and kissed him, a little more gently this time.

“You’re beautiful, Harry,” Louis murmured between slow, open mouthed kisses against his mouth. His stomach flip flopped a bit, and he just whined against his lips in response.

“You’re so drunk, Louis,” Harry said back, not allowing Louis to respond as he licked into his mouth again, his mouth opening to allow Louis to lick into his mouth as well. 

Louis moved his hand between them again, finger teasing the waistband of his pants teasingly, his hips grinding down agonizingly slow against Harry’s. Harry felt dizzy from arousal, his lips disconnecting from Louis’, his head falling back against the pillows as Louis pushed his hand into his pants, grasping his length. 

“So hard for me,” Louis breathed out, leaning down to kiss his neck again, lips latching onto the middle of his throat. Harry bucked his hips up into Louis’ fist, making Louis squeeze his cock a little. “Relax, Harry,” he said against his neck, licking over his adam’s apple. “Let me take care of you,” he pressed one more kiss against his neck before sitting up on his knees and leaning over into his drawer. Harry tilted his head in confusion, watching him dig through the drawer.

“You have lube?”

Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I mean, duh, I’ve used lube when having sex with women,” he laughed, and Harry couldn’t help but laugh with him. He felt himself sobering up slightly, but even with a slightly clearer brain he still wanted to continue.

“I didn’t think you’d need it, because, well,” Harry trailed off. “Vaginas.”

Louis snorted, shutting the drawer and settling back between Harry’s legs, tugging his pants down his lean legs. Harry lifted his legs to make it easier, one of them wrapping around Louis’ body when his bottom half was bare. Louis leaned up, pushing his shirt up his body and leaning down, pressing his lips to the center of his chest softly. 

“Can I finger you?” Louis questioned softly, and Harry moaned in response, nodding so fast his chin hit Louis’ head. Louis grinned, looking at Harry before leaning down and kissing him. “Eager-”

“You talk too damn much, put your fingers in my ass for god’s sake,” Harry whined against his lips, biting down on Louis’ lip and pulling it into his mouth, sucking on it. 

“You’re just needy,” Louis mumbled when Harry let go of his lip and he grabbed the bottle of lube and popped the cap open. Harry smiled, the banter between them feeling natural with their intoxication, and Harry noticed how much he missed it.

“No, I’m drunk and horny,” Harry watched him spill the lube on his fingers. 

He hadn’t done anything with any guy since maybe freshman year of college, but somehow even in his drunken haze, he trusted Louis enough to be the first to touch him in awhile. 

Louis was still between his legs, sitting on his knees as he took hold of Harry’s thigh, leaning down to press a kiss on the tender skin before nipping at it. Harry watched him move slowly, bringing his fingers down to his ass, spreading his cheeks and smearing the lube against the fluttering hole, making Harry whine loudly.

“Shh, I got you,” he said softly. Harry spread his legs wider, feeling his heart beating hard in his chest as Louis circled his index finger around his hole before he pushed it in slowly, making him hiss at the slight stretch, having not had anything inside of him in awhile. 

Harry panted, hands grasping at the sheets as Louis started moving it in and out slowly, enjoying the soft moans that spilled from his mouth. Louis leaned back down, kissing him deeply and slowly, their lips molding together and making soft smacking noises. Harry lifted both hands, tangling them in Louis’ feather soft hair and pulling. 

“‘Nother one, please,” Harry softly whispered, and Louis smiled against his mouth, mumbling “So polite.”

So he did, pulled the one out and then pushed two in, pumping them in and out while kissing Harry slow and deep, passionate. Harry let his moans spill into Louis’ mouth, his jaw falling slack as Louis continued to lick into his mouth. Louis crooked his fingers slightly, making Harry see stars behind his eyes as his back arched, a loud whimper of Louis’ name leaving his lips. 

“You moan so pretty, don’t you,” Louis murmured, kissing Harry again. “God, I fucking love you.”

Harry’s breath hitched in surprise, Louis’ fingers hitting his spot head on over and over, fingers crooking and making Harry moan out in short breaths.

“You’re drunk- _oh_ fuck there, right there,” Harry groaned, burying his head in Louis’ neck and sucking on his neck to suppress his noises, aware of the fact that there were people downstairs. 

“I’m honest,” Louis moaned at the feeling of Harry leaving marks on his neck. 

“You won’t remember this - fuck - you won’t remember this in the morning.”

Louis pulled his two fingers out, pushing in another so that there were three. A high pitched noise left Harry’s throat, and Louis leaned back in to peck his lips. 

“I will, I promise.”

Harry sucked in a breath. “Sure,” he breathily moaned. “Fuck, stop talking, just make me cum, I’m close,” Harry panted, back arching off the bed as warmth pooled in his stomach. 

Louis smiled against his mouth, forehead dropping onto Harry’s as he crooked his fingers again to hit his spot, now roughly hitting his spot with every thrust of his fingers, pulling moans out from his lips. Harry whined high in his throat, his cock twitching and blurting precum from the tip, and Louis glanced down, moving his other hand to grasp his cock, rubbing his thumb against the tip. “Fuck, just like that, I’m gonna cum,” Harry moaned, and Louis nodded, leaning down to kiss his lips as he continued his movements. 

Louis thrusted his fingers in a few more times and continued flicking his thumb over the tip of his cock, and a few moments later, Harry’s whole body froze, his cock twitching in Louis’ hand and his eyebrows furrowing, cum spurting out over Louis’ fist, a moan of Louis’ name leaving his lips as he panted, his jaw falling completely slack. His chest heaved and his tummy felt all swirly and warm, his orgasm making his thighs all shaky. 

“Fuck, Lou, holy shit,” Harry breahed out, and Louis pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheets, bringing his other hand up to Harry’s mouth and pushing his fingers in his mouth, Harry’s lips wrapping around them. “Cum,” Harry swallowed when he pulled away. “Cum on me, please,” Harry breathed out, and Louis breathed out in relief, pulling off his pants and kneeling between Harry’s trembling thighs, hand wrapping around his own shaft and tugging himself off fast, his head falling back. “So pretty, Lou,” Harry breathed out, hand wrapping around Louis’ thigh. 

“‘M pretty?” Louis whined out, and Harry nodded, eyes lidded as he stared at Louis, beautiful as ever with the yellow bedroom light on his skin. Harry thinks for a second, staring at Louis’ beautiful body in front of him. For a second, he thinks. He thinks that maybe in another life, they could be happy. Maybe in another universe, they could be together and they could kiss and hold each other, say they’re in love. In another universe, another timeline, things could work out in their favor. But that wasn’t this timeline. That wasn’t this universe, that wasn’t this life. They _wouldn’t_ be together, and Harry had to accept that. 

But Harry decided that he would savor this moment in this universe for as long as it lasted. 

Deep moans left Louis’ lips, his head thrown back and marks beginning to form on his neck, and Harry just wanted to kiss him. “Gonna cum,” Louis whispered, his hand faltering on his cock, breath hitching as his cock twitched. He whined loudly, Harry’s name tumbling from his mouth every now and then as his hips twitched, cum shooting out, landing on Harry’s chest and chin, even a bit on his lips. Harry watched him, his thin lips parted and eyes shut, his adams apple bobbing every now and then with the moans that fell as he came down from his orgasm, his body falling on top of Harry’s, leaning in to kiss him lazily, tongues mingling together again.

“I love you,” Louis mumbled against his lips, and Harry hummed. 

“Since you won’t remember this,” he started, pulling away from the kiss, looking Louis in the eyes. He traced his finger down his face gently, stubble under the pads of his index finger as his eyes flicked across his gorgeous face. 

“I love you too.”

  * ⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅



Louis was asleep, his arms around Harry’s waist, naked torso against Harry’s back, and Harry laid there, wide awake, wanting to remember this feeling before the next day came. He just wanted to remember this. He was sober now, having been for about a half hour now, but Louis knocked out an hour ago after they had another heated make out session.

Harry stared at the wall, gulping.

He loved Louis so much.

With that thought, Louis’ phone buzzed, the screen lighting up, and Harry furrowed his eyebrows. It was late, maybe around 3 a.m. at this point, so he reached over, careful to not move around too much to wake Louis up. He was sure Louis wouldn’t mind him checking his phone.

**_Message from Eleanor:_ **

_ive been thinking about what u said_

_yesterday_

_i think i wanna get back together_

_happy birthday and merry christmas btw, call me when you’re up??_

Harry’s mouth went dry, his heart dropping into his stomach. He felt his eyes stinging, his throat closing, and his chest beginning to ache at the thought of Eleanor and Louis being back together. He felt his whole body turn numb, his limbs turning into jelly as he shut the phone off, laying back down and turning around in Louis’ arms to face him. Harry looked over his sleeping face, the moonlight making his features softer. _He loved him_. He really did.

But he had to let go, let him be happy.

“I love you,” Harry whispered, thumb tracing Louis’ cheek gently. “I love you.” A tear slipped from Harry’s eye as he leaned in, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth before tucking his head under Louis’ chin and shutting his eyes, his tears wetting Louis’ skin.

What a fucked up Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how did yall feel? LMK!!
> 
> love u all smmm!!
> 
> word count: 9, 716
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	9. i didn’t mean to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No, Harry, tell me now because we’re both clearly marked up and you’re very upset and I don’t like it-“
> 
> “Since when do you fucking care about how I feel?!” Harry snapped, tears immediately filling his eyes and Louis felt his heart stop for a split second, his whole body freezing at the sound of his voice, the pain, and he thinks for a second, no, he knows that he caused this and fuck he wanted to punch himself in the face so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry in advance. 
> 
> song(s) of the chapter: Strong - 1D and 102 by The 1975
> 
> prepare for this, it’s kind of gonna sting 
> 
> there might be typos bc i’m half awake as i’m posting this so i’m sorry i’ll correct it at a reasonable time of the morning
> 
> anyways, enjoy!

Christmas came and went slower than Louis liked, having feeling numb after what happened between him and Harry. Because Harry was angry at him and didn’t even want to look at him, he was forced to be quiet. He could technically talk to Zayn, but he was sure Zayn didn’t want to be bothered with his problems. Besides, Zayn probably had something better to do.

Louis didn’t remember anything from his birthday party, nothing at all, he just recalled waking up the next morning on Christmas, naked and cold in his bed, Harry already awake and dressed, putting things in his bag because they were going to be leaving. 

_“Uh,” Louis groaned softly, sitting up in the bed and pulling the comforter around his body. His body felt heavy and sticky, probably from sweat, he assumed. “Why am I naked-“_

_“You insisted on sleeping completely nude because you were drunk,” Harry spoke quickly, his voice up a few pitches, and Louis raised an eyebrow at him, listening to his inflection. “I fell asleep on the couch after cleaning up a bit, didn’t wanna sleep with you naked,” he swallowed, still not looking at Louis. He was sitting on the ground on his knees, folding his clothes and packing them into his bag. Louis felt his chest clenching at the cold tone in Harry’s voice, his mood significantly dropping when he noticed that Harry was most definitely lying to him. Harry never lied to him unless it was a little lie about eating his cookies or trying to surprise him with something. Harry didn’t lie to him, Harry didn’t like to lie. Lying made him anxious. But the fact that he was lying made Louis’ heart feel heavy and his head feel dark._

_“Harry, you’re lying to me-“_

_“I’m not lying, Louis,” Harry grumbled out, pushing himself off of the ground. Louis suddenly felt like he was going to start crying, his throat feeling closed up._

_“Your voice goes up when you’re lying, Harry, tell me the truth,” he pushed, staring at him, pulling the blanket closer to his naked body._

_Harry let out a bitter laugh, turning his head over his shoulder to look at Louis, his smile sarcastic and his eyes sad. Louis felt his heart clenching again. He just wanted to know what he did wrong. He wanted to fix it, fix things with Harry._

_“You say that like you know me, Louis,” Harry spat, and Louis felt a sharp pain in his chest, his face turning red at the sound of the words he had said to Harry two days prior._

_“Harry-“_

_“And check your phone,” Harry continued, turning around to open the door. “Eleanor texted you. I think she wants you back, congratulations,” he said, no emotion in his words as he swung the door open and stepped out, shutting it quietly. Louis’ breath caught in his throat at the words, and he furrowed his eyebrows, reaching over to the bedside table._

_Sadness was something he’d barely felt in the past few weeks, Harry’s little giggle and dimples always found a way to bring light to his day and make him smile, make him feel lighter. But he felt so heavy and his brain felt so clouded._

_Louis unlocked his phone, quickly going to open up his text messages, fingers fumbling over the screen and ignoring Zayn and Liam’s texts before he clicked on Eleanor’s messages, reading over them._

**_Message from Eleanor:_ **

_ive been thinking about what u said_

_yesterday_

_i think i wanna get back together_

_happy late birthday and merry christmas btw, call me when you’re up??_

_Louis took in a sharp breath, his eyes widening at the messages on his screen._ **_Get back together_ ** _? Louis was shocked that that was even a thought in her mind, but he didn’t even recall texting her on his birthday. Maybe he did it while he was drunk? Because the texts were from Christmas morning at 4:00 a.m. and he didn’t remember anything._

_He asked her to get back together? His jaw dropped slightly, tears stinging his eyes._

_The whole goal of this was to get back together with Eleanor in the first place, but instead he fell in love with Harry, and fuck he was regretting this so much. Not regretting Harry, regretting making those stupid rules because fuck, if the rules didn’t exist then he would be able to pin Harry against the wall and kiss him so hard his mouth hurt._

_But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. Because Harry wasn’t going to listen, clearly, he was stubborn as hell and didn’t want to listen to anything Louis had to say, didn’t want him to explain. Louis couldn’t explain to Harry that he loved him and not Eleanor, he couldn't explain that he didn’t want her because now he was wrapped up in this stupid fucking thing with stupid rules and Harry was going to tell him to get back with Eleanor._

_Fuck he just hated this so fucking much._

_Louis got up off of the bed, quickly rushing to the door to lock it, catching a glimpse of himself in his mirror, seeing marks on his skin, and he did a double take, backing up to look at himself, his face scrunching in confusion as he moved closer, fingers running over the purple and red marks on his neck and collarbone._

_“What the fuck,” he mumbled to himself, tracing them. They weren’t exactly big, but they weren’t small either. He didn’t get a chance to take a look at Harry before Harry left the room, so he couldn’t tell if he had any on his neck, but where the fuck else could be possibly get those from? He was sure that drunk Louis wasn’t a cheater, even on his fake boyfriend. Louis’ eyes scanned the room, looking around to see if maybe there was a condom or something, trying to figure out if they had sex or not and that’s why he was naked, which would explain why Harry lied to him._

_Louis’ eyes fell on a little bottle on the floor and he walked towards it, crouching down to pick it up and read the label, when he noticed it was a small bottle of lube._

_“Fuck me,” he groaned, sitting on the ground cross legged and resting his forehead in his hand._

He did end up calling Eleanor later that night when Harry was distracted. The girls and Ernest wanted him to go out and play in the snow, so Louis took advantage of that and went to his room, dialing Eleanor’s number and they had a 20 minute long conversation. He explained to her that he was with Harry still, and she essentially didn’t care, telling him she just wanted him back.

_“Eleanor, you know I’m with Harry-“_

_“But I still love you,” she bargained, and he sighed softly, feeling guilt spreading through his chest._

_“You told me you didn’t,” Louis said softly, feeling too tired to argue with her. “You said you didn’t-“_

_“I was wrong, okay?” She sighed. “Please, Louis…” she begged softly, and Louis just took a deep breath._

_He just wanted Harry. He wanted Harry, Harry, Harry, nothing else, nobody else, he couldn’t see anything in anybody else, he just wanted Harry._

_“I, um,” Louis stuttered, wanting to satisfy her. He didn’t want anyone to be unhappy. He didn’t even care anymore if he wasn’t happy. Maybe this would be good for Harry. “I have to break up with him-“_

_“When?”_

_“Probably when we leave my family’s house,” he explained quietly, heart feeling empty all of a sudden._

_“Alright,” she said softly. Louis stared up at his ceiling, biting on his lip. “I’ll see you soon then?”_

_Louis gulped quietly, nodding even though she couldn’t see him. “When I’m back,” he said softly._

_“Okay, I love you,” she whispered, and his breath hitched, his eyes stinging with tears even though he could feel nothing at all._

_“I love you too.”_

Louis and Harry were already on their way back home, the car silent, no music playing, not even Harry’s giggles filling the car. Harry had his earbuds on, head resting against the window. They said their goodbyes to his parents and siblings not too long ago, trying their best to fake their smiles, but Jay could tell something was off with both of them before they left, and she said something to Harry before they left that Louis couldn’t make out, but Harry teared up from it and he knew because he saw Jay wiping his tears and leaning up to kiss his cheek. 

That made Louis ache.

Harry was completely ignoring him, though, not even looking at him when he cussed under his breath at another driver, not even saying _Louis, you have road rage, calm down_ , nothing. 

Louis bit the inside of his cheek, wondering if he should bring up the hickeys, because right before they left his sisters saw Harry’s bruised up neck and his face flushed in embarrassment when they started poking fun at him for it. So something _definitely_ happened between the two, but he couldn’t tell what it was. He knew for a fact they didn’t have sex, unless they did it raw which kind of stressed Louis out because how the hell did he just have sex with Harry and not remember it _jesus_ he would be mad at myself for not remembering their first time, but he was also confused as to how Harry actually let him kiss him. He couldn’t remember if Harry was sober or not. 

Louis cleared his throat, glancing over at Harry, who lifted his head off of the window and looked at Louis coldly, eyes flicking up and down. Louis sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, looking back at the road before he got too distracted by Harry. 

“So you did lie to me, then?” Louis asked, eyes trained on the highway ahead of him, both hands on the steering wheel. He felt a pit in his stomach as he took a deep breath, waiting for Harry’s explanation.

“Yeah,” Harry croaked out hoarsely, rubbing his eye. Louis nodded, feeling his heart sink.

“You never lie to me, Harry-“

“What do you want me to tell you, Louis, seriously,” Harry let out an exasperated sigh, tugging his earbuds out. Louis gripped the steering wheel, the tone in Harry’s voice making his stomach turn. He suddenly felt the need to pull over so that he wouldn’t crash while they talked, he felt like Harry needed his full attention, so he did. He exited, ignoring Harry’s questioning of “where are we going?” and “what are you doing?”

He ignored him, parking in a random McDonalds parking lot before taking a deep sigh and unbuckling his seatbelt so he could face Harry. 

“Why are we parked?” Harry grumbled, looking at Louis with the most annoyed expression Louis has probably ever seen him with. “I wanna go home, jesus christ-“

“Tell me the truth, Harry, what happened on my birthday-“

“Louis I don’t want to talk about it, _please_ can we talk about this when we get back to the dorms,” Harry’s voice cracked halfway through the word _please_ and Louis felt his heart beating faster.

“No, Harry, tell me now because we’re both clearly marked up and you’re very upset and I don’t like it-“

“Since when do you fucking care about how I feel?!” Harry snapped, tears immediately filling his eyes and Louis felt his heart stop for a split second, his whole body freezing at the sound of his voice, the _pain_ , and he thinks for a second, no, he _knows_ that he caused this and _fuck_ he wanted to punch himself in the face so badly. 

“You treat me like I’m everything one second and I say _one_ thing, _one thing_ that you don’t like and you _text her_ and then tell me you love me and-”

“I said _what_ ?!” Louis squeaked, staring at Harry with wide eyes and a dropped jaw. _Fuck_ , he thought to himself. “Fuck, no, no no, Harry, wait I was drunk I don’t even--”

“Don’t even remember,” Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes with a bitter laugh. “Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t,” Harry chuckled, looking down at his lap with teary eyes.

And Louis couldn’t even argue, he couldn’t even say that he loved Harry because Harry _saw_ the messages with Eleanor and he _knew_ that Louis had texted her. Louis didn’t even know what his drunken logic was, texting Eleanor and then kissing Harry and saying he loved him. God, how stupid was he?

Louis’ face dropped, his eyes filling with tears as he stared at Harry, the sight of the heartbroken boy making his chest ache. “Did we, um,” he trailed off, coughing to hide the hurt and tears in his voice. 

“We didn’t,” Harry said softly. “Promise,” he said sincerely, and Louis nodded, sitting back down properly in his seat and staring at his sweats, a tear falling from his eye and onto his sweats. _How was he gonna come back from this, how?_ Fuck, Louis had never hated himself more in his whole life, he just wanted to scream and cry and - _fuck_.

“Harry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear,” Louis whispered, not lifting his head. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry,” he said through his tears, whimpering. “Harry, look at me,” he begged, turning his head to look at him, his body jerking as he hiccuped. “Please-”

“It would’ve been better if you just treated me like shit instead of making me feel like I mean something to you,” Harry said, lifting his head to look at Louis, a sad smile on his face. Louis looked back at him, shaking his head and murmuring _no, no, no_ because Harry _did_ mean something to him, meant everything. 

“Harry, it’s not how it seems-”

“And you didn’t have to tell me you loved me to make me feel better,” Harry hiccuped, his body jerking as well because of how hard he was crying, every sob feeling like a punch in the gut. He knew that by the way everything looked and how he acted towards Harry, it looked like he was just trying to hurt him, but that wasn’t the case and he knew Harry wasn’t going to listen. 

“And I’m not mad at you, Louis, _god_ I can’t be mad at you just because you love her, that’s not a crime,” Harry coughed, breathing out hard. Louis whimpered, reaching out to touch his face and wipe his tears because every tear that fell made his stomach lurch more and more, he just felt so fucking sick and angry at himself because of the way everything looked.

“Harry, please listen-”

“I don’t wanna listen because even if I do, you’re gonna be with her,” Harry said, his voice breaking, and Louis bit on his lip, staring at him. His whole body felt so god damn numb and he just wanted it all to stop, stop, _stop_. 

“I love-”

“Don’t tell me you love me, _please_ don’t say that you love me,” Harry begged. “I don’t want to hear that, I need to get over you because you’re going to be with her at the end of the day and I can’t control that,” Harry said, giving Louis a sad smile, making Louis’ heart crack even more. “Just say you don’t love me so I can forget that you said you did,” Harry looked at him, and the tears fell faster and harder from Louis’ eyes at the words. “Look at me and tell me you don’t love me so I can get over this whole thing.”

“Harry, I don’t want to hurt you-”

“I’m already hurt enough,” Harry said softly. 

Louis clenched his jaw. “Will you be okay?”

Harry nodded, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, what Louis had been wanting to do the whole time. “Don’t worry about me,” he breathed out. “Just tell me.”

Louis took a deep breath, swallowing thickly as he looked up at Harry, tears in his eyes and a heavy heart, his brain feeling dark and cloudy and so, so in pain. He looked into the other boy’s sad eyes, giving him an apologetic look, trying his hardest to not reach out and wipe the tears away from his face. He wanted to kiss them away, kiss him better, hold him tight, but Harry was right because no matter what was said in this car, he didn’t have the balls to tell Eleanor he didn’t want to get back together with him and he would forever hate himself for that. 

“I,” Louis swallowed, staring at him, blinking and looking up a bit, staring at Harry’s eyebrows because he couldn’t look him in the eyes and say it. It hurt too bad. “I don’t love you,” Louis said, biting on his lips. “I don’t love you,” he repeated, and Harry swallowed, the tears falling faster out of his eyes, mirroring Harry’s. The pain spread into his stomach and his throat and _god_ it just hurt so fucking bad, he just wanted to make everything right, but how could he do that now?

Harry nodded, reaching over the console in the car to wipe the tears from Louis’ face with his hoodie sleeve. “Thank you,” Harry said softly, nodding at him. Louis refrained from pushing his face into his palm to kiss it, he just let Harry pull his hand away and sit back down, buckling up. “Take me home now, please?” Harry whispered, glancing at him. Louis didn’t say anything, just turned the radio on, his phone connecting immediately, starting to play _102_ by The 1975.

_Now we’re here_

_We’re at the common again_

_I smoked six of the ten fags I only bought an hour ago_

Louis really needed a smoke.

He turned the key in the ignition, beginning to drive out of the parking lot and make his way to the highway.

_Said well I, I_

_I like the look of your shoes,_

_I like the way that your face looks when_

_I’m arguing with you_

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The car ride back to the dorm buildings was quiet and sad, just music filling the space between them as they made it back. Louis told Harry he’d bring his things up, but Harry told him not to bother, just told him to go see Eleanor and fix things with her. Louis didn’t exactly want to, not at all. 

But regardless, Harry wasn’t even going to be at the dorms, because he dropped off his bags, unpacked them, then repacked one bag and left without saying a word. 

Louis knew he was going to Niall’s.

And it hurt, _god_ it hurt so fucking bad. He dropped his bags and collapsed on his bed, Harry’s scent on the sheets still and making his chest ache. The tears he had been holding in fell from his mouth immediately, a sob ripping through and making his chest hurt and his ribs rattle. He just wanted _Harry_ , he didn’t want Eleanor.

Nothing hurt more than hurting the person you loved the most. 

When Harry walked out of that door, he felt a piece of his heart go with him. He felt his heart being ripped out of his chest.  
He just wanted Harry to listen, wished he’d stop being so fucking stubborn and sit down and hear what he had to say because Louis could explain everything and maybe it wouldn’t hurt any less but maybe he’d understand and not hate him.

It hurt to think that Harry hated him right now.

It hurt to think that Harry walked out on him. Another person he loved gone, all because of something stupid that he did. And for a second, Louis remembered that this is the reason he didn’t let himself get close to people and maybe he shouldn’t have let himself get so close to Harry in the first place.

God, he shouldn’t have even asked Harry to fake date him in the first place or he wouldn’t be in this goddamn mess. He shouldn’t even blame Harry for walking out, it was his fucking fault for starting this, for thinking it was okay, for _falling in love_.

Louis flipped over onto his back, staring at the ceiling, and he honestly didn’t even hear the door open, but he heard Zayn’s voice coming from the doorway and then the door shutting.

“Boo?” Zayn called softly. “Boo? Harry texted me and told me to come check on you, is everything okay?” he asked, and Louis felt his heart wrenching even more because Harry still fucking cared even if he was being a fucking prick.

“No,” Louis answered honestly, knowing that it was okay to be this way in front of Zayn. He had always been vulnerable with Zayn. He cried in front of him a lot, let him know when he felt gray, let him know when his heart felt heavy. Zayn was always there to paint his gray thoughts yellow, even if it took a few weeks. Harry had been tainting his thoughts with pink and sparkles lately, because that’s what his personality was like, but the thought that Harry was pulling away from him made him feel so _gone_. 

“You wanna talk?” Zayn asked, inching closer to him cautiously, and Louis didn’t even glance at Zayn when he laid beside him, wrapping both of his arms around Louis and pulling him into his chest, cradling the back of his head. Louis didn’t normally like to cuddle, but he did when he was sad. He didn’t hug back, just grasped Zayn’s shirt, another sob ripping through his throat, and Zayn shushed him, his fingers carding through the soft hair on Louis’ head. “Okay, it’s okay, Lou, cry, you need to let it out so it doesn’t hurt worse,” Zayn whispered softly, and Louis felt his stomach churning at those words because Harry said the same to him.

“I hurt him,” Louis whimpered, and Zayn nodded, rubbing his back a bit. 

“We all hurt people, Lou, it’s okay,” he said softly, and Louis shook his head. 

“I’m so angry at myself, Zayn, I hurt him so fucking bad,” he sobbed, crying into his chest, his tears soaking the shirt as his body convulsed with every sob. 

Zayn just nodded, letting him cry out the pain, staying silent, just saying “I know” every now and then, ruffling Louis’ hair.

“I told him you love him, I don’t know why he left,” Zayn whispered, and Louis groaned into his shirt, another sob breaking through. 

“I told El I’d get back together with her and he saw the texts and now he wants nothing to do with me,” Louis explained through whimpers and cries, body shaking. 

“And you fell in love with him even though the deal was when Eleanor wants to get back together you guys will call off your little thing, right?”

Louis cried harder at his words, not lifting his head from his shirt. “He told you?” he squeaked out, his sniffles cutting through his words.

Zayn nodded, hugging him tighter. “Told me everything,” he said softly. “Cried to me on the phone yesterday when you were asleep because he knew I already knew and he didn’t want Niall to question him. I knew before he told me, I knew it was fake because I know _you_ , Lou, and I told him I knew when he called me during his anxiety attack-”

“He called you?” Louis squealed out again, his voice more high pitched because of the tears. He wondered when Harry and Zayn were suddenly so close, wondered why Harry didn’t come to _him_.

Zayn hummed. “He called me because you made him upset and he didn’t want to call Niall,” he explained, and Louis didn’t say anything back, just took a deep breath. “Lou,” Zayn started, and Louis hummed, hiccuping again and sniffling. “You need to tell Eleanor you don’t want her, please,” Zayn begged, and Louis’ head shot up off of his chest. 

“I can’t-”

“You _can_ because you need to take care of _yourself_ for once and not some dumb girl who couldn’t care less about you or your happiness, Louis!” Zayn lectured. “God, I haven’t seen you so happy in so long, but you even _sounded_ happy when Harry was with you, shit, you told us jokes and you wanted to go out and you wanted to eat and you slept and you talked and you didn’t shut us out, Lou!” Zayn whined. “I’m not telling you that you need Harry to be happy, but Eleanor dragged you down and brought out the worst in you, but Harry somehow made you happy, just him _being in your life_ made you happy because he taught you a lot about yourself and I don’t want you to shut down again because of Eleanor making you feel like you have to hide yourself and your feelings! God, Lou, I knew for the past few years that you were hiding your dorky little self because of her and Harry brought it back out and I can’t have you hiding again because you’re my best friend and I need you to be happy, so _please_ , Louis, you need to tell her you can’t do this. 

And it’s not just because of that, but the way he looks at you drives all of us crazy because you’re too dumb to realize that he’s stupidly in love with you! Eleanor won’t love you like you deserve, but Harry will and I can promise you that. She doesn’t deserve you, Louis, please don’t let her ruin you again.”

Zayn finished his little rant with a sigh, and Louis found himself crying even harder at the thought that somebody could possibly love him enough to notice that he wasn’t himself with Eleanor. He remembered why Zayn was his best friend. Zayn knew him better than he knew himself. Zayn loved him, and Louis sometimes forgot that.

Louis sniffled, hugging Zayn tightly and whimpering out “I love you,” coughing on him, and he knew that Zayn would give him shit for the coughing and snot later, but he didn’t care.

“I love you too, okay?” Zayn reassured. “Now text her and tell her you want to meet up at the Starbucks and I’ll drive you there. I’ll stay the whole time. You are telling this girl that you don’t want her and then we’re gonna figure out how to get Harry back, okay?” he raised an eyebrow, letting Louis pull away from their hug, and Zayn cooed at Louis, whose sobs were slowing down and now he was just shaking and sniffling. “Your face is all puffy and you look like a mess, how cute,” Zayn teased, and Louis hit his chest with his palm, glaring at him, but a smile broke through anyways.

“Fuck off,” Louis grumbled, falling forward onto Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn didn’t reply, just wrapped his arm around Louis and smiled. “Thank you for talking Harry down when I couldn’t.”

Zayn shrugged. “No big deal,” he sighed. “I like the kid, he’s really kind and funny. Keep him around or I might have to date him instead,” he joked, and Louis suddenly snorted, reaching to pinch Zayn’s nipple, making him squeal. 

“He’s mine, back off,” Louis laughed, and Zayn guffawed, shoving Louis’ hand away. 

“Dear lord, you’re possessive!” Zayn cackled. “Come on, you weirdo, we’re gonna go wash your face and tell of Eleanor,” Zayn rolled his eyes, still laughing when he got off of the bed. Louis smiled, his heart skipping a beat as he got up off of the bed with Zayn, going to follow him out.

Louis coughed, walking down the stairs with Zayn, neither of them wanting to take the elevator. He thought for a second, Harry running through his mind, the image of his sad face on Louis’ birthday as he gave him his present, and he gasped a bit, pausing on the stairs.

“I forgot to open his present!” Louis groaned, face palming and groaning. “He told me to open it when he’s not around because he doesn’t want to see my reaction-“

“What the fuck could he have possibly given you?” Zayn snorted, continuing to jog down the stairs, pushing the staircase door open and holding it open for Louis.

Louis shrugged, a small laugh leaving his mouth. “Harry’s weird. He probably did something really sappy to make me cry,” he said, his voice getting quieter at the end, a little smile resting on his lips, but his heart sank anyways. 

He missed him.

His smile faded with the thought, and Zayn sighed, resting his hand on Louis’ shoulder.

“We’ll get him back, I have a plan.”

Louis furrowed his eyebrows, but he didn’t bother asking because Zayn would probably tell him later.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Louis did exactly what Zayn said, texted Eleanor and told her where to meet him, and Zayn drove him there, giving him a thumbs up and a wish of good luck before allowing him to leave the car when he saw Eleanor walking into the starbucks.

Nervously, Louis opened the door, biting into his bottom lip and nibbling on it, seeing her sitting down at a table, her hands folded together as she looked down at the table. Louis felt a pant of guilt in his chest, taking a deep breath as he moved closer to the table and pulled out the chair, taking a seat soundly, music softly playing in the store. Eleanor lifted her head, a confused smile on her face when she saw the empty look on Louis’ face.

“Louis,” she raised an eyebrow. “Why do you look upset? Who bothered you?” 

Louis went to speak, and nothing came out of his mouth but a little sigh, his shoulders dropping with the guilt in his chest. 

“I, um,” he coughed a little bit, looking down at his hands. “El-“

“Louis, just say it,” she sighed in exasperation, and he lifted his head to glare at her.

“Don’t rush me,” he huffed out, and she rolled her eyes. He rolled his as well, hating the attitude that she always had. He took a deep breath, clenching his fists together as he tried to string together a sentence that didn’t hurt her too bad, but still got the point across.

“Eleanor,” he started, biting his lip and putting his hand on the table. “We can’t be together, I would be lying to you and to myself and I can’t hurt another person, I need to make things right with Harry-“

“What?” Eleanor breathed out, looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Louis, I don’t understand-“

“Eleanor, I love Harry,” he explained, giving her an apologetic look. “I’m in love with Harry, _so_ in love with Harry and I can’t be with you, I’m so sorry, but I can’t. You’d just get hurt because I would be making an empty promise and I can’t make anymore of those because I already made too many and broke someone’s heart,” he explained, his voice cracking halfway through at the reminder of the way Harry was crying in the car earlier. “I broke his heart so bad, and I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but Harry makes me a better person,” he explained, and she just stared at him blankly, a hurt expression painted across his face. He felt a pain in his chest at that, hating that he had just broken another person’s heart to fix his own, but he needed to. He needed to care about himself more.

Eleanor let out a loud sigh, looking up at the ceiling and blinking a few times, not saying anything for a while. Louis looked at her, bottom lip between his teeth. 

“I’m sorry I made you break up with him,” she said softly, and he gulped. “It was wrong of me. I should’ve known you were happy just from the way you guys seem on social media and whenever I saw you guys together.” Louis smiled at her words, looking down. Every time she bumped into them, they were giggling or flirting, and even if it was ‘fake’, it wasn’t. Everything was real, maybe not at first, but it was real. 

“I’m sorry I hurt you in the first place, and I may love you and I may be angry, but I want you to be happy,” her voice got a bit higher at the end, signaling tears. He felt his heart wrenching, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw a tear falling from her eye. “I want you to be happy, okay? Go get him back,” she whispered, and he looked at her, eyes softening a little bit.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said.

“I’m sorry I hurt _you_ ,” she replied, giving him a sad smile. “But maybe you needed to be hurt, it led you to him.”

Louis nodded, looking down at his hands. She was right. If she didn’t shatter his heart, he wouldn’t have ended up with Harry in the first place. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Like Ted Mosby said, all these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.

Louis figured that Eleanor breaking up with him led him to be in the right place at the right time, and that was with Harry.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “For letting me go.”

She nodded, giving him a soft smile and reaching her hand over the table to lay it on top of his, squeezing it. 

“You’re welcome.”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“Just tell me your plan!” Louis whined when he and Zayn walked into the dorm room. “I need to know the plan to get my boy back!”

Zayn snorted, rolling his eyes. “Open his present to you first, I’ll tell you while you’re looking at it.”

“Looking at it?”

“I know what he made you, stupid, go sit on the bed,” he laughed, leaning down and digging through Louis’ suitcase before pulling the present out of it, grinning. Louis stared at him with a raised eyebrow, scoffing slightly. “Can’t believe he told you what he made me,” Louis grumbled, taking the gift from Zayn and placing it in his lap, unwrapping it slowly. 

When the gift was unwrapped, his eyes fell upon a book - a scrapbook, specifically. The cover of the scrapbook had a photo that Zayn had taken of them a week before Christmas. They were eating cupcakes at Gigi’s apartment, and Harry rubbed icing all over Louis’ face then kissed him, making the icing smear all over his own face. Louis’ heart skipped a beat at the photo, noticing the genuine smile on his own face in the photo. 

Flipping open the book made Louis’ heart explode even more. His eyes fell on the first page, seeing a photo of them in their little blanket and pillow fort that they made, a little inside joke from that night written onto the page with a description of that night.

_November 20th_

_We watched Disney movies for hours on this night, crying and laughing over stupidity. You were feeling sad and gray and I didn’t like it, so I dragged you out of your sad burrow on your bed and made you build a fort. You complained the whole time, but I know you loved it. I loved it too. I love seeing you happy. That’s the only thing I want, for you to be happy._

Tears filled Louis’ eyes immediately, his hand coming to cover his mouth as he gasped, flipping the pages and seeing that there was a different photo on every page, little doodles of stick men and the memories under the photos, surrounded by jokes from that day. Louis felt the tears leaking from his eyes before he could even stop them, listening to Zayn as he spoke.

“Gigi is still making him come to her new years party-“

“I need him back-“

“I know you do,” Zayn laughed, resting a hand on his back.

Louis couldn’t stop the tears from falling as he looked through the scrapbook, his heart doing flips in his chest at the effort of the gift, despite Harry’s horrible handwriting and shitty hand drawn hearts. He loved it. The gift, the ugly hearts, the stupid photos, _Harry_ . He had _never_ been loved like this in his 25 years of life, _ever_ . Harry just _loved_ him and it made him feel so fucking good. He felt so needed, secure, _safe_. He felt okay for once in his life, holding this book

and knowing that Harry loved him too.

“We’re gonna have him come to the party and we’re gonna try to get you two alone, if that’s okay,” Zayn suggested, and Louis nodded vehemently. 

“Yes, god, anything,” he sniffled, wiping his tears on his sleeve. “I just need him back, I need him to listen to me,” he softly said, his voice filled with tears and sadness. 

“It’s settled then,” Zayn cleared his throat.

“New years?”

“New years.”

Louis nodded, biting his lip, the anticipation filling his tummy. He didn’t know what would happen, and honestly he was terrified, the fear of the unknown laking his tummy lurch. But he had to do this. Even if he didn’t end up with Harry, he needed Harry to know that he loved him. 

New years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY FOR THE PAIN LOLOL
> 
> lmk how y’all feel!
> 
> ok, i need sleep now it’s 4 am LMFOAAOOAOA
> 
> love you all!!!
> 
> word count: 6,274
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


	10. forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted his god awful jokes and his long rants about why the ending of How I Met Your Mother was bad. He wanted his messy curls and his whining when Louis tugged too hard when he braided his hair. He wanted his stupid yeti limbs and his giggles and his dimples, he wanted his stinky morning breath and warm cuddles in the morning, he wanted his sleepy rambling and random psychology facts, his warm lips and sweet kisses, his little bunny teeth; and even as much as he hated it, he wanted his little cold toes against his legs when they were trying to sleep. Fuck, he just wanted Harry so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is quite anti climactic and short (and super fluffy) but this is the last chapter!
> 
> song of the chapter: hearts don’t break around here - ed sheeran

It’s odd for the first few days.

On the first day, he kind of moped around, laid in bed, and avoided showering, not having the motivation. He cried a lot, staring at the photos of he and Harry on the walls and snuggling Harry’s teddy bear. He tried to eat, he really did, but he ended up puking everything up and not even wanting to eat anything afterwards.

He just felt so fucking guilty for hurting Harry, guilty for overreacting over a small little comment that Harry made. He didn’t need to act like that, he didn’t.

On the second day, he ate a strawberry popsicle. He thought about Harry’s dimples popping through when he had it in his mouth and how his mouth tasted afterwards (because he’d have to kiss Harry in front of their friends). 

He tasted sweet.

On the third day, he binged Harry’s favorite show and laughed for once, couldn’t stop imagining the absurd comments Harry would be making if he was actually there.

He hated that he felt like he needed him.

Louis never thought that he would depend on another person to make him feel safe, yet here he was, craving a warm body against his own so that he would fall asleep faster. Harry’s warm cinnamon scent always made Louis’ heart contract in his chest, and he hadn’t even smelled him in 4 days which was driving him fucking insane. Even smelling Harry made his heart do jumping jacks in his chest. It made him feel safe and warm inside, he just wanted to grab his shirt and use it as a pillowcase.

He never thought that he would be depending on another person for comfort. Louis  _ hated  _ depending on other people. He didn’t like needing people, he figured it would just stress him out. Even when he was dating Eleanor, he honestly believed that he was the only person he ever needed. He didn’t even depend too much on Zayn until recently, honestly. Of course he told Zayn everything, but he didn’t feel the need to talk to him when he was sad or call him when he felt like he needed a hug. Depending on people wasn’t fun for Louis, because that meant that when they left, it would break him.

And this was breaking him so,  _ so  _ much.

But somehow, he still wanted Harry. When people left, he didn’t want to see them anymore, wanted to erase the photos from his phone and forget the color of their eyes. But for some reason with Harry, all he wanted to do was find him and say  _ hey, I fucking love you _ . 

Harry really made him so soft it was disgusting. He made him trust, it was fucking gross. He didn’t like trusting people. That just wasn’t his thing. 

But little by little, Harry made it easier for him. Harry never forced him to talk, but if he wanted to talk he let him. So in turn, Louis just felt comfortable to talk and talk and talk without feeling like what he was saying didn’t matter. And maybe that’s why he liked Harry so much, maybe that’s why it hurt that he was gone.

Because Harry made him feel wanted.

Harry  _ wanted  _ to hear him rant, he  _ wanted  _ to help him run lines for his plays. Harry  _ wanted  _ to be around him. 

And Louis? Louis wanted Harry more than he wanted anything else in the entire world.

He wanted his god awful jokes and his long rants about why the ending of  _ How I Met Your Mother _ was bad. He wanted his messy curls and his whining when Louis tugged too hard when he braided his hair. He wanted his stupid yeti limbs and his giggles and his dimples, he wanted his stinky morning breath and warm cuddles in the morning, he wanted his sleepy rambling and random psychology facts, his warm lips and sweet kisses, his little bunny teeth; and even as much as he hated it, he wanted his little cold toes against his legs when they were trying to sleep.  _ Fuck _ , he just wanted Harry  _ so bad _ . 

Louis was laying on his bed, the blanket pulled up to his nose and his eyes trained on the ceiling above him. He woke up way too god damn early in the morning, but he couldn’t sleep to save his life, his mind was racing all night. It was finally December 31st, meaning that around 8 p.m. that night he would be seeing Harry for the first time in a few days, and he hoped that when he saw him, Harry would give him a chance to explain himself and maybe even accept his apology. 

He hummed, turning over onto his side and staring at the floor of his dorm room, grimacing at the condition of it. He was sure that if Harry walked in right now he would get a long lecture about the state of the room and how he needed to clean properly and take proper care of his things. 

Harry’s nagging shockingly made him happy, though.

It was nearing 6 p.m., and Louis still wasn’t dressed, He was leaving at 7 and he didn’t know what the  _ fuck  _ to wear. He knew that Harry wouldn’t care, he’s seen him in his pajamas, seen him wearing no shirt, seen him cry. He’d seen him at his worst, yet for some fucking reason, he still wanted to impress him. Louis was throwing clothes all around the dorm, trying to pick a sweater to wear because he didn’t want to wear some ugly old t-shirt and jeans, he wanted to look  _ somewhat  _ presentable. He was sure that by the end of the night he’d look like shit from being drunk anyways, but he hoped that he would feel more confident to talk to Harry if he looked good.

“Dude.

Louis’ head snapped up at the sound of his door opening, and he saw Liam walking in. Liam and Zayn both had keys, that wasn’t new, but he grunted in frustration, throwing a shirt at him.

“Shut up, I’m getting dressed and you’re annoying me,” Louis joked, sinking down on the floor to dig through his drawer to find his green hoodie that Harry liked so much. 

Liam let out a muffled giggle behind his hand, hopping onto Louis' bed and staring at him with a grin. 

“You look stressed,” he teased, and Louis lifted his head and gave Liam a dirty look.

“Wow,” Louis deadpanned. “Thanks Sherlock, I’ll be sure to tell people how observant you are,” he scoffed, shoving a shirt out of the way, his eyes lighting up when they fell upon his green hoodie. “Got it!” he squealed, tugging it out and sniffing it to make sure it was clean.

Liam grimaced at him. “You should’ve just washed it before, gross,” he stuck his tongue out, and Louis flipped him off without giving him another look as he tugged off his shirt and went to put on deodorant so he could put on the hoodie. “You ready to see your boy?” Liam questioned with a little smile, and Louis felt his heart skip a beat in his chest, his cheeks flushing as he looked down and his hand tightened around the deodorant stick. 

“He’s not m’boy,” Louis mumbled under his breath, trying to hide his smile by focusing his eyes on the ground. The butterflies in his stomach were going crazy, though, and Liam was snorting from the other side of the room as he looked at him. 

“You seem pretty happy to be seeing someone who’s  _ not  _ your boy,” Liam joked, and Louis scowled at him, flipping him the bird before he tugged the hoodie over his head. He looked at himself in the mirror, running his fingers through his messy fringe, trying his hardest to untangle it and mess it up so it didn’t look shit. His heart was beating faster than he wanted to admit, honestly. He felt way too fucking nervous for no reason. He was so scared to see Harry he didn’t even know why. The fear of not knowing what was going to happen when he saw him was driving him insane. Would he punch him, curse him out, yell at him? Would he kiss him? Louis was  _ scared _ . All he wanted to do was apologize to Harry, let him know he loved him, he didn’t want him to leave forever, he wasn’t going to  _ let him _ leave forever. He couldn’t.

He couldn't finally have one good thing and let that thing slip through his fingertips. 

Louis picked up his cologne, spraying some on the front of his hoodie and a bit on his neck before looking himself over in the mirror again, taking a deep breath and blinking a few times. Harry’s favorite hoodie and Harry’s favorite cologne. 

“You’re so fucking whipped,” Liam snorted, and Louis couldn’t help but laugh too, a blush spreading across his face as he looked down. 

“Shut the fuck up, and let’s go,” he said in response, his face red in embarrassment and shyness because  _ Liam was right and he definitely didn’t want to admit that.  _

The pair made their way down to the parking lot, Zayn was already at Gigi’s helping her set up, so Louis and Liam were going to be traveling together (Louis insisted on driving because he hated the way that Liam drove like a grandpa). Nervously, Louis reached for the door handle and pulled the door open, taking a deep breath as he sat down in the drivers’ seat and shut his eyes. The passenger door shut quietly, and the air between Liam and Louis was quiet as Louis tried to take in what was about to happen.

Louis pushed his key into the ignition, biting down hard on his lip to try and slow his breathing and calm the nerves rushing through his body. 

“Do you think he’s going to want me back?”

Liam looked at him with a small smile, then looked back down at his lap and chuckled.

“You never lost him, Lou,” he said softly. Louis looked at him in confusion, his stomach lurching when he watched Liam’s lips twitch into a bigger smile. “He texts me everyday asking if you ate and if you slept and if you drank water because he knows how you get when you get sad,” he explained, and Louis’ whole face softened, his hand dropping from his keys as his mouth fell open in pure shock. His heart squeezed in his chest, thinking of Harry worrying about him because he didn’t want him to, but holy shit was he happy that Harry still cared. 

“He’s still my boy,” Louis breathed out, a smile on his lips. 

“Yeah,” Liam replied, looking at him before squeezing his forearm. “He is.”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The party was already practically in full swing by the time Liam and Louis got there, music and lights and sweaty bodies and  _ ew  _ Louis really wasn’t one for parties, so he hated this. He only ever went to parties when Eleanor forced him too, so he just genuinely didn’t want to be there. Liam abandoned him as soon as they got there as well, said he wanted to go find Maya or something, which fucking sucked because  _ fuck you _ . Louis groaned, though, bracing his back against a wall with a cup of something Liam poured him before he ran off. He didn’t really care what it was, he needed some liquid courage before he went to find Harry anyways. 

The music was blaring, making his ears ring from where he was standing up against the wall, and he shut his eyes, taking it in as he put his cup to his lips and let the alcohol burn his throat. 

He was nervous, really nervous. There was a pit in his tummy, and his whole body was practically  _ shaking  _ as he opened his eyes, scanning the room to see if he could find Harry. Harry didn’t even  _ like  _ parties, so he wondered why he was there in the first place. He was sure Zayn or Gigi convinced him, since apparently Zayn, Liam, and Harry were besties now and they texted without Louis even knowing. Louis rolled his eyes at the thought, taking another sip of his drink and looking down at his feet. 

“Lou!” he heard his name being called out enthusiastically, and his head snapped up to see Gigi coming towards him with a huge grin. His body relaxed and he looked back at her, a half smile on his face as he reached his arms out for a hug. 

“Hey, Gi,” he greeted, giving her a peck on the cheek and a warm hug. “Shouldn't you be with Zayn?” he laughed, swaying them back and forth in the hug, and she giggled, obviously a little bit drunk. 

“I came to find you!” She laughed, rolling her eyes as she pulled away from the hug. “Harry was looking for you, Zayn told him you were here,” she said casually, giving him a smile. Louis’ face screwed up in confusion, a small noise falling from his lips at the sound of Harry’s name.

“ _ Harry’s  _ looking for me?” he questioned, and she gave him an equally as confused look.

“Yeah?” she laughed. “You do know he only came here to see you, right? Said something about wanting to apologize for being over dramatic and-“

“But he wasn’t being over dramatic!” Louis cut her off with a groan. “I was being a fucking prick-“

“Tell him that!” She laughed, shoving his arm. “He was being all mopey for a few days, his best friend invited Maya and I over because he wanted to see us-“

“I hate that you’re all so close now,” he grumbled, and she rolled her eyes. 

“You’re the one who introduced us to him,” she flipped him off, and he snorted. “But go to him, okay? He’s in my bedroom, I left him in there and said I was gonna come find you,” she explained, and he went to thank her before she stopped him. “Just don’t fuck on my bed, okay?” she added, and he guffawed in response, his heart feeling light and happy at the thought of Harry looking for him.

So he left Gigi there, running quickly down the hall and slipping on his sock clad feet as he reached her room, the nerves in his body on edge when he took a deep breath, staring at Gigi’s bedroom door. Harry was in there, and he was only a doorway away from him now, not too far now. He was so,  _ so  _ nervous, yet so,  _ so  _ excited. He just wanted to press Harry against a wall and kiss the fuck out of him and tell him he loved him,  _ god _ , he never wanted to stop saying that he loved him. 

He loved him so much.

So he turned the doorknob quietly, cracking the door open, his eyes being met with a soft yellow light and soft humming coming from the room. The hum was deep and rumbly, and his heart swelled at the sound as he pushed open the door fully and stepped inside without a sound, shutting it very quietly, the sound of music being drowned out behind the door now. His eyes fell upon a very disheveled looking Harry, disheveled meaning he wasn’t well dressed like usual, he had a hoodie and a pair of black skinnies on, paired with a beanie. He furrowed his eyebrows, walking closer, and Harry lifted his head, his eyes meeting Louis’ without much surprise on his face. That shocked Louis, considering anybody could have walked in. It could have been a murderer, for all Harry knew.

“You don’t look surprised,” Louis said quietly, sucking his cheeks in as he went to sit on the bed in front of Harry, watching Harry shy away a little bit. His heart wrenched, but he didn’t say anything, just waited for a response.

Harry shrugged, a soft laugh falling from his mouth. “Smelled your cologne, Lou,” he said softly, not making eye contact with Louis. The air was awkward, and Louis was stuck there gnawing on his bottom lip as he tried to think of what to say to Harry.

Harry looked tired, but still beautiful as ever. But he looked so  _ sad _ . That made Louis want to punch himself in the face. 

“Louis I’m-“

“I’m sorry for-“

They both started at the same time, and their heads lifted up simultaneously to look at each other, sad, awkward chucked tumbling out of their mouths when they met each other’s tired eyes.

“You can go first,” Louis said softly, and Harry took a deep, shaky breath. “Breathe,” Louis reminded him, and Harry didn’t even scowl at him, just did what Louis said and breathed in and out a few times, very slowly. 

“I overreacted-“

“You didn’t overreact,” Louis cut in, and Harry glared at him.

“You told me to talk first and now you’re cutting me off.”

“Well that’s because you’re wrong,” Louis pointed out, giving him a sarcastic grin, and Harry gave him a deadpan expression, his head falling to the side.

“Can you shut the fuck up for two seconds and let me talk before I choke you?” Harry threatened, trying to hide his smile.

They really couldn’t have a serious talk, could they?

“That sounds pretty kinky for a bott-“

“Continue that sentence and I’m leaving you here and moving out of our dorm.” 

Louis’ jaw snapped shut, and he pretended to zip his lips and throw out the key, then settled with his hands folded in his lap.

Harry took another deep breath, trying to calm the laughter that threatened to escape his mouth. “I’m sorry for overreacting about you being a dick to me that morning,” he said softly. “My immediate trauma response when people who I love are mean to me is to push them away until I’m ready to talk and I’m sorry I did that to you because you wanted to talk and I wouldn’t let you-“

“Harry you don’t have to explain your trauma to me, I know you enough to know that it was a trauma response,” Louis cut him off, rolling his eyes. “Why do you feel the need to explain that to me-“

“Because I made you sad!” Harry exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. “Liam told me you didn’t even want to get out of bed and I felt like it was my fault!”

“But it wasn’t your fault I was mad at myself for hurting you!”

“Then why didn’t you reach out?” Harry questioned, crossing his arms, and Louis sputtered, groaning.

“Why didn’t  _ you  _ reach out?” Louis asked, pointing at him. “You do realize a relationship is between two people, right? This isn’t going to work out unless you talk to me and you know I’m gonna listen to everything you say so  _ why don’t you talk _ ?” Louis asked in frustration, and Harry made a fake crying noise, covering his face with his hand before scrubbing over it. 

“Because I have communication issues!” 

“No shit, Sherlock!” Louis snapped, and Harry jumped at the sound, covering his ears. Louis’ face softened with guilt, and he reached out for Harry. “Baby-“

“You need to work on your anger issues, Louis, seriously,” Harry said, his face screwing up. “And we need to talk, like actually, about us,” he said, motioning between the two, and Louis nodded at him, his tummy feeling weird from the guilt. 

They were quiet for a few moments, just breathing and staring at each other, blinking and trying to figure out the words to say. Louis tentatively moved a little bit closer, and Harry watched him, not doing anything to stop him when his hand came to rest on his calf. 

“You know I love you, right?” Harry said softly. Louis swallowed thickly and nodded, staring him down. “I don’t know why, you’re annoying and cocky and I want to punch you more than half of the time, but I’m  _ really  _ in love with you, Louis.”

Louis felt tears prickling in his eyes as he looked at Harry, his tummy swirling. “You know I love you too, right?”

Harry scoffed, breaking their eye contact. “You’re not exactly the most subtle about it,” he joked, and Louis laughed, shoving him. 

“I love you a  _ whole fucking lot _ , you know” Louis added to his statement from before. “Like, I thought I was straight until you kissed me,” he giggled a bit, and Harry rolled his eyes. 

“Get to the fucking point, Christ.”

“Stop rushing me,” Louis scolded, and Harry put his hands up in defense. “I drunk texted Eleanor thinking that you wouldn’t want me, I did it  _ way  _ before we kissed that night, like before the party even fucking started, I swear.”

Harry nodded, listening intently. “I believe you, I don’t know why you needed to say  _ I swear _ .”

Louis shrugged. “I want you to know that whatever happened with El and I is completely done, like  _ done, done _ ,” he emphasized. “Like we met up and I told her I can’t do this anymore and I can’t keep lying to her because I love you.”

Harry snorted, biting his lip. “That’s gay.”

Louis blinked at him, shoving his shoulder and causing him to fall over. “Can you be serious for two fucking seconds?” he laughed, and Harry giggled, shaking his head. “And you’re fucking gay anyways, I don’t even know what I am, I just know my fingers were in your ass and that’s  _ pretty fucking gay _ , isn’t it?” he added, making Harry laugh even harder.

“I honestly came here thinking we were going to fight, not laugh,” Harry said through gasps, throwing his head back, and Louis joined him, his hand on Harry’s leg, squeezing it a bit. 

“I don’t want to fight you, Harry, I don’t, I’m so tired of fighting we need to  _ talk _ ,” he giggled a little bit. 

Harry propped his elbow up and rested his cheek in his palm. “We are talking, Lou,” he smiled, and Louis nodded. “Seriously, though,” Harry cleared his throat. “Like actually,” Louis began. “I’m sorry for snapping at you  _ and  _ for drunk texting Eleanor  _ and  _ for continuing to be an ass when I could’ve calmed down and talked to you nicely and told you why my feelings were hurt by what you said,” he apologized sincerely, looking at Harry, who was looking at him with a gentle smile. 

“I forgave you already when you came in here and made me giggle,” Harry said, and Louis smiled at him, breathing out a laugh, his heart skipping a beat. 

Louis didn’t reply, though, just crawled closer to him on the bed and pushed his shoulders so that he was laying on the bed, and his tummy started to swirl with butterflies as he climbed over Harry’s body, his knees resting on either side of his hips. Harry breathed out slowly through his nose, air hitting Louis’ face and his hands fell back down beside his head. Louis immediately went to grab them in his own, intertwining their fingers and pressing his hands into the bed, his heart thumping and his face turning a soft pink with the little bit of intoxication and the proximity of their faces when he dropped his forehead onto Harry’s. 

“We’re a mess,” Harry laughed, his eyes meeting Louis’ own, and Louis chuckled leaning down and pecking his nose. 

“We can make the most of it, though,” he said softly. Harry hummed, shutting his eyes. “I can help you talk and you can help me calm down, deal, baby?” Louis questioned softly, and Harry smiled softly, his face flushing a bit. 

“Deal,” Harry said softly, opening his eyes again to look into Louis’ eyes. Louis felt shivers go down his spine, and Harry giggled, pulling his hand away from Louis’ and holding his pinky out. Louis didn’t say anything, just linked their pinkies and leaned down, kissing both of their fingers at once, then grabbing his hand and pushing it back down to the bed.

“Oooh,” Harry smirked, a giggle shaking his body. “I’m pinned down, whatdya gonna do, fuck me?” He teased, and Louis guffawed, throwing his head back. 

“Not on Gigi’s bed, for Christ’s sake, but I’ll tell you what I  _ am _ gonna do,” he smiled, leaning down and rubbing their noses together in an eskimo kiss. Harry hummed, leaning up into it and letting his eyes flutter shut. 

“What are you gonna do?”

Louis leaned down, capturing Harry’s lips in a slow but deep kiss, his nose pressing against Harry’s cheek from how deeply he kissed him. 

He just felt so fucking happy that he had Harry. Harry was his, Harry was here, and Harry was staying. That’s all he could’ve ever asked for in life. Yes, Louis hated getting attached, but he couldn’t help but be attached to such a sweet, curly boy. He was so happy that his heart decided to set itself on Harry.

Because in another universe, Louis doesn’t have this. He’s not here on his best friend’s bed kissing the boy who made him realize who he is and the boy who can calm him down with a look and a laugh. In another universe, Louis never met Harry and they never hated each other. In another universe, he’s unhappy and he doesn’t have anybody to turn to. In another universe, it’s dark.

He’s glad, though, that he decided to trust the universe, or whatever Ted Mosby said. Of course Harry got him addicted to How I Met Your Mother.

But he wouldn’t want it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all sooo fucking much for reading! this story has been so fucking fun to write and i’m so glad that all of you decided to take this journey with me. thank you for all of the love and support. you guys are the greatest! i have some more story ideas, but thank you so much for reading, you have no idea how much this means.
> 
> i love you all.
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


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